Chapter 10. Golden Rule 10: Maintain relationships
You must see any argument in the context of the wider relationship between you and the other person. Before embarking on an argument you must consider what has been the relationship between you in the past and what will be the relationship between you in the future. What impact will the argument and the possible outcomes have on your relationship? There’s much to think about here.
What is the argument really about?
It’s important to remember that arguments are often about underlying issues, rather than the actual issue being discussed. There’s a need to figure out whether the issue at hand really is what is being argued about, or whether the real issue is something else. Many people find that the argument they’ve had was in fact reflecting an underlying tension or difficulty. That argument about putting the socks in the laundry basket may in fact reveal a deep-seated concern about the relationship. In the business context the other firm may be appearing to be really tough, but is that because they felt short-changed by the last deal you negotiated? Or is their firm going through tough times, and if so what does that mean about how you should approach the deal?
What do you want?
Perhaps the first point to make is that very rarely does a person win an argument outright. It’s unlikely after a discussion that your opponent is going to say: “Do you know, I’ve been mistaken all this time and now I see you were right all along.” As a result, most arguments end when some sort of compromise is reached between the parties.
“Suppose you’re at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you’re drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you’ll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthrals your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you’ll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You’ll be a WEALTH of information. You’ll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.”
Dave Barry
It’s so easy to win an argument and lose lots of friends. Take great care in how you argue.
Apologizing
There are times in an argument where an apology is needed. Perhaps it’s clear you have behaved wrongly and there’s nothing else to do but to admit that and apologize. Refusing to apologize will make you appear big headed. If you need to apologize make it a proper one. That should involve the following elements:
• Clarity. “I’m sorry that you feel I have treated you badly” is not an apology for behaving badly. Politicians are famous for creating apologies that are in fact, on close reading, not apologies. A proper apology must be a clear acceptance of the wrong done.
• A statement of what will be done to correct the wrong or an explanation of why it cannot be rectified.
These essentials should all be included where an apology is appropriate. But there are times when, although it should not be required, simply to move on some kind of apology would be useful. Something along the lines “I can see that what I’ve done/said has really upset you and I would never want to hurt you and I’m sorry about that” might be appropriate. That acknowledges that hurt has been caused but avoids entering into a debate about who is right or wrong.
The importance of the relationship
In many, many situations the relationship is far more important than the argument. In the business context you might squeeze the very last penny out of your client by your fearsome arguing, but you may lose the client. Entering a deal that is fair and reasonable to both sides will produce a far more effective long-term business relationship.
As a consumer I remember countless garages where every time I went I felt suspicious that I was being ripped off, and I never trusted them. I now use a garage where, after several dealings, I have come to trust the mechanics. There have been several times when they did a minor task for free or their charges seemed moderate. They have a customer for life with me.
I’m sure we have all received good treatment from a firm and then recommended that firm to friends and thereby generated work for them. But that involves the consumer feeling happy with the agreement. Feeling they were forced into signing a contract or were browbeaten into an agreement is not going to do any good for customer relations and, in the long term, business.
I remember a situation where an employee was seeking a pay raise and pushed very hard for a salary increase a bit higher than I thought appropriate. Having given in, the next year when the issue of pay raises came around it was decided not to give him as big a raise as other people as he had done “so well last time.” I later worked out that he would have been significantly better off if he had not pushed so hard the first time.
Losing an argument
You can’t win every time! But first a word of warning. Earlier I urged you to be careful when arguing. Many people arguing with us are going to get something out of the argument if we lose. As we’ve seen, there are many devices that can be used to deceive you or wear you down. Here are just some:
• You may have been misled as to an important fact. Don’t believe a statistic just because you’ve been told it.
• The argument that convinced you may have had a logical flaw.
• There may be arguments against the view presented to you that you have not been able to think of.
• You may have been so overtaken with the emotional appeal of the argument that you have failed to consider its merits.
• You may just be tired and not want to continue.
So don’t admit defeat too easily, especially if that’s going to affect you financially or cause you to lose your job. Unless there’s some kind of emergency, no one should object to you saying:
“You’ve given me lots to think about and you make a very strong case. I need to go away and mull over the issues we’ve discussed.”
Indeed, if someone seems unhappy with that, you should wonder if they have something to hide. Are they worried you will find out a fact that will prove them wrong?
But despite all of this, it may be that you simply need to accept defeat. Many people try to save face in this situation.
“I’m sorry. I think I got confused about what we were arguing about. I thought we were arguing about X, but you thought we were arguing about Y.”
Others seek simply to end the argument without grace:
“I refuse to have a battle of wits with someone who is unarmed. Goodbye.”
That kind of remark might sound clever at the time, but it’s hardly going to bring any long-term benefit. It is noticeable that Al Gore, in conceding defeat to George W. Bush, showed considerable graciousness and his reputation was enhanced because of that.
Winning an argument
Well done if you have won your argument! But be gracious in victory. We’ll look at this more in Part 2 of the book. But if in winning you lord it over your opponent, you may win the argument and lose a friend.
Summary
Remember that keeping a good relationship with the person you’re dealing with is more important than winning the argument. Perhaps you were not able to convince them this time, but there will be other occasions. Maybe you were able to convince them, but there may be other issues to discuss. Arguing can lead to a breakdown in relationships. Don’t let that happen to you. Argue carefully and you will be strengthening, not weakening, your relationships.
In practice
Remember that relationships matter more than arguments. Whether you have won or lost the argument, you nearly always will want there to be a good ongoing relationship. If you’re the winner then don’t lord it over the other person: be gracious. If you have lost don’t be a bad loser. At the end, whatever the result reaffirm the relationship. Spend some time together and just have fun. Go for a coffee and have a laugh.