Breaking the Code of Our Consciousness
Patrycja Slawuta—graduate of the Warsaw University. She studied psychology and sociology. Fellow of the most prestigious science institutions in the United States.
She analyzed aspects of genocide and the psychology of intergroup differences. She researched the emotions of shame, guilt, fear, hate, and animosity between various groups. She worked for two years on Wall Street. Now Patrycja lives in New York and San Francisco.
In Poland she cooperates, among others, with Geek Girls Carrots, an organization supporting women in IT; she participated in Waw.Ac—Warsaw accelerator program and is an active participant of many conferences on technology (ex. Magento.pl).
She is the creator of psychological workshops SelfHackathon, during which she hacks our minds. She cooperates with her sister Joanna Slawuta. Their workshops enjoy enormous popularity in the United States, Europe, South America, and Australia.
Patrycja covers not just human fears, but also long distances—she has run over 18 marathons. She runs all over the world. In near future she will be running in Tokyo, Paris, and Vienna.
We have to turn off the hang-ups. We need to understand how we had been programmed by our environment; whom do we let to program us. Sometimes such programming is toxic and does us harm.
We have to learn to reprogram ourselves, to turn off the brain in some moments and stop listening to critical voices in our heads and “just do it!.”
—Patrycja Slawuta
We are meeting on a sunny Monday early in the morning in a coffee shop in San Francisco’s Marina neighborhood. Patrycja just moved from New York to the West Coast. She is still fighting jet lag and for the past two days she’s been waking up at 4 a.m. “At least I do some more work!” she laughs. She enjoys telling me about her last weekend, when she ran across the Golden Gate Bridge to Sausalito and back—over 18 miles total.
She talks about things that are important for all of us and which we don’t want to admit even to ourselves.
Patrycja Slawuta—The slayer of our fears!
About My Research
I conducted lots of research in psychology of extermination and the remembrance of Holocaust in Poland. That was my first research. It was inspired by Neighbors, a book by Jan Gross of Yale University. I was interested in the reactions it evolved in Polish people so the subject of my Master’s thesis was collective memory in Poland. In my research I describe what actually happened, then what people remember of it and which part they don’t and how they selectively remember the facts.
In the fourth year of my studies I went on a scholarship to the Basque Country where I studied the issue of terrorism and its consequences, especially in societies, which directly experienced political violence. I was part of the team studying the complicated psychological and political situation involving the activities of ETA as well as the actions of the Spanish government.
New York
Living in the Basque Country I got news from a colleague of mine from the Warsaw University about a scholarship in New York, for which the application deadline unfortunately had passed… I decided to apply anyway.
Eventually the scholarship was awarded to two people—a young academic from Germany and me. As a research team we received a half a million-dollar grant from the National Science Foundation, one of the most prestigious science foundations in the United States.
The subject of our study was the issue of collective guilt: in particular determining what events lead to the feeling of collective guilt and collective shame. We were looking into issues involving the Guantanamo prison. We analyzed the behavior of people who were reminded that in the past the group to which they belonged had done something bad, committed mass crimes.
After two years of working in academia and writing scientific papers I decided to change my career path and left the university. Although I was passionate about science and research I was more interested in transferring the findings of that research into everyday life.
Wall Street
I chose to change my field. I got a job on Wall Street, where I worked in the years 2009–2010, at the exact time when the world economy was collapsing. I was at ground zero of the crisis. I watched people losing their jobs. I observed the downfall of the giants of the financial world. Those were very important experiences at the intersection of morality, behavioral economy, and anthropology of culture.
The Semantics of Emotions
Still, after two years of working in the financial world I decide to go back to university. I focused on the embodiment phenomenon. This is a notion that assumes that abstract concepts and more complex emotions in particular (such as shame) exist not just in the mind but also in the body. It is the semantics of abstraction, which the brain perceives as a sensory experience. For example, love is associated with warmth, softness, and warm colors. Feeling of guilt, on the other hand, involves the feeling of “weight” and the desire to hide from the view of others. Those physiological correlates of emotion are often culturally universal and reflected in colloquial expressions such as “weighed heavy on his heart,” “carry the weight of the world on his shoulders.” Scientists claim also that the question of embodiment is especially important to all concepts connected with morality. That’s why “good” and “evil” often have colloquial equivalents: white and black, high and low, or even left and right.
This is fascinating research, which helps us understand how out internal architecture of beliefs, opinions, and values looks like. This is especially relevant to the world, which is not renowned for its “introspection,” since there is simply no time for that—the world of start-ups.
Start-ups
I became interested in the world of start-ups. The world of people who do interesting stuff. How it worked out? I began seeing people who achieved a lot in their lives. They would come to me with their problems and it turned out they needed to talk about their fears, feelings of shame, and experiences of failure, which they did not know how to deal with.
In America facing problems of this kind you get a prescription or go to a yoga class. Yoga of course offers great supports, helps you to calm down and relax. But this is not enough.
The First Workshops
This is the origin of my first workshops. During the meetings we “hack” or “breaking into” our brain and mind.
So far we’ve held workshops in five countries on three continents, among others, in Poland, Spain, South America, and on both East and West Coasts of the United States.1 They always sell out, which is encouraging. I cooperate with many companies from all over the world. In Silicon Valley they include the companies in Y Combinator. This year we also “hack” in Asia, which will be an interesting experience, given cultural and social differences.
I do workshops for both women and men. However, the group approach to issues is completely different when I work just with women to when I work with only men. We also often have mixed groups—our workshops attract people who spend a lot of time “in their heads,” which to them is both a gift and their greatest curse.
SelfHackathon Workshops
Three Main Principles
Principle 1: The Brain Is the Least Discovered Natural Resource
There are all kinds of natural resources such as coal, gold, silver, uranium… However, from the psychological point of view it is the brain and the nervous system that still are the most unexplored and unused natural resource.
Principle 2: We, as Human Beings, Are a Living Code
The sequence of our DNA resembles a code, which changes constantly, just as our nervous connections. The construction of our DNA can be compared to computer code.
It is significant that I have been working with technological companies—programmers code. I get inspired by the similarities in the functioning of our brain and computer code.
Principle 3: The Code Can Be Changed
We know of the neuroplasticity of the brain, which means that the brain changes according to the stimuli received at a given moment. My classes are based on the premise that the code can be broken and changed.
What Would You Like to Hack?
The response is practically always the same. Women usually want to “break into” the spirit of go-getting, self-confidence and man would like to “hack” emotional intelligence. This is why when I work with just men (particularly with programmers) I stress the fundamental elements of emotional intelligence: questions of how to deal with fear and shame. These are the problems not much talked about in Silicon Valley. And unfortunately, in Silicon Valley, the number of people dealing with depression is 40 percent higher than in the rest of the United States. And it is a taboo subject.
Self-Aggression and Self-Sabotage
In Silicon Valley it goes without saying that you should only show the best aspect of yourself, especially if your success is still in the future. I am talking particularly about the process of getting through next rounds of financing by the founders who think that if someone invested in them, if they got the money they have to show more positive energy. Unfortunately sometimes this turns out to be a big problem as their negative emotions don’t get any outlet. At one moment they will burst and “scream” to draw attention to themselves.
My work with men consists in talking about ways to deal with emotions. Both positive and negative ones. Men often do not know how to do it.
Women, on the other hand, suffer from low self-esteem, lower feeling of self-worth, and generally lower drive. Women usually take less risk than men and our level of self-criticism is much higher. But Silicon Valley is a new Wild West. It is the capital of risk taking, for which you often get a reward.
Research shows that the level of aggression in both men and women is the same. The difference is that men direct their aggression outwards, women—inwards, apply it to themselves. Various forms of self-aggression and self-sabotage are the two main elements, which I most often address during my classes in Silicon Valley and in New York.
Bro Culture
There is much talk about sexism in Silicon Valley. Personally, I think there was much more sexism on Wall Street than in Silicon Valley.
In the Valley women have to “blend into” to the general coding culture. In San Francisco, more often than in other big cities, you see women wearing sports outfits, guy style. At the same time women complain about the prevalent “bro culture.”
There are still relatively few women working in IT. There is even a kind of fascination with women in Silicon Valley. Men who work in IT spend little time with women during their workday, so when they do have a chance to work with a woman they are intrigued and fascinated. In a sense we have a similar situation when men become nurses—sometimes it even causes raised eyebrows.
Differences Between East and West Coast
Women in New York are very aggressive. But New York is an aggressive city.
There is unspoken pressure in New York to always look your best, dress in style, and be in good physical shape. Women are expected to show sophisticated femininity.
I know many men who for their dating go from Silicon Valley to New York because they think women on the East Coast are more feminine, stylish, sexy…
Impostor Syndrome
Women often are scared and don’t want to take risks. It is completely understandable given the culture, the social roles, and the potential consequences of “failure.” It is a problem I’ve encountered in every country. Science calls it “impostor syndrome”—it means that we question our own skills; we ask ourselves if we should be where we are, if we should hold this position. It is a common phenomenon in spite of the fact that women do very well at school and in college. More women complete doctorate studies and receive academic degrees.
Yet if we go into business, where many people will judge us, where we have to make decisions, present yourself professionally, where you have to sell yourself—then women become withdrawn or act more cautious.
Internal Limitations
Research shows that woman begin apply for a promotion when they have fulfilled 100 percent the required criteria. Of course this is a sign of redundant perfectionism. Whereas men ask for a promotion when they have just 50–60 percent of fulfilled requirements. Moreover, men negotiate their salaries four times more often while women usually avoid negotiations and if they do negotiate they receive a salary that is 30 percent lower. It is connected with the fact that women generally still earn less than men.
When I started working on Wall Street I was offered a certain salary. Although I knew that people in similar positions earn more I was satisfied with the offer. From our point of view we receive as much as we believe we are worth. We create internal limits as to the money we should be making, how much happiness we should have, how much we can be loved.
First—The Body, Then Motherhood
There are two main factors that activate the feeling of shame in women: first, the body, second—motherhood. The issues involving motherhood always come up in conversations, having children, not having children, being in a relationship, not being in a relationship… We also always encounter comments about female body.
For example, in the situation where a man, probably not intending to create any sexist subtext asks a young woman When are you planning to have children? —many women feel embarrassed.
When people ask me such a question I feel I am becoming defensive. Still, this is a popular question asked by the VC representatives in Silicon Valley. It means that the subject of motherhood can have a negative outcome during such an important conversation. We would like to be assessed on the base of what we do and not what we are—mothers, bellies. That’s why during talks the question about future motherhood can throw women off.
Ready, Brilliant Answer
The talks with VC people can be viewed as a test of our confidence. The questions are often difficult, detailed, and sometimes even aggressive. Many VCs not often invest in an idea—ideas change all the time, get dropped, are replaced by new ones—but in a person. Investors want to know if we can handle stress and if we are motivated. Will we keep going in spite of difficulties and possible setbacks, which are common in Silicon Valley. When a confident woman comes to a VC meeting, a woman who knows not just her business but also her worth—the conversation will be completely different. In the Wild West called Silicon Valley what matters is courage, confidence, and the ability to present both yourself and your vision of the future.
Comments during such talks can be brutal regardless of the fact if they concern a man or a woman. In this sense gender is irrelevant. The difference is that man has often inflated notion of their worth and are overconfident and if someone tells them What a stupid idea!—it will be as water off a duck’s back; they will just get up, straighten their clothes, and keep going forward.
Action–Inaction
The feeling of self-worth is a missing element between a dream and action to make it come true. How to rebuild, to reprogram the feeling of self-worth?
Many of us have great ideas but the gap between the world of dreams and realizing them is sometimes too large. Self-esteem or the proactive attitude is the missing element that transforms wishful thinking into something I am actually doing.
The feeling of confidence is connected with action, with “taking matters into your hands.” Low self-esteem is connected to passivity, or inaction.
Social Perfectionism
Perfectionism is a character trait. However, there is also something called “social perfectionism.”
Many of us are social perfectionists. It means we do not want to start anything at all as it is easier to do nothing than to make something happen. Social perfectionism kills self-esteem because when we do nothing we judge ourselves as less worthy. Social perfectionism comes also from shame. It is easier to do nothing rather than something and be exposed to criticism. A similar behavior is procrastination.
Three Major Elements of Programming
Every day 60 to 80 thoughts cross our minds. Ninety percent are repetitive thoughts, always the same.
People like to believe that they think what they want. Unfortunately this is not true. Usually we think of something we heard or read. This is how we had been culturally programmed.
During my workshops I always speak about three major elements of programming: Thoughts, Heart, and Environment.
First Element—Thoughts
First—the head, our thoughts. What do we think about? How do we view the world?
Einstein said that the fundamental question was not if God existed or not but whether the Universe was friendly or not. And this is the fundamental question: do we believe that people are friendly and want to help us, a kind of “positive conspiracy” or maybe we think that the world is evil and people want to take advantage of us?
For a while I had been “negatively programmed.” In my “software” there was a red light that kept coming on: Watch out! See what they are doing behind your back! Be careful as THEY will steal your ideas, your business! It took me a few years to reprogram myself.
It turns out other people don’t busy themselves thinking about us too much, neither do they “plot” to “get us” or defeat us.
Determining if the world is friendly or not, if people want to help us or not we often assume that humanity operates on the principle of trading favors. This is one of the fundamental programs, filters through which we view the world. In truth people help others because of their giving nature. Human nature is good if one’s let it be that way.
What We Think About Ourselves—What Is My Worth?
Limiting Beliefs
These are false beliefs that I always mention during my classes. There are three kinds of limiting beliefs:
1. I am fundamentally broken
Statistics are terrifying—many of us have an “internal critics” in our heads—voices, which live in our minds are internalized judgments someone had once made about us, or demonstrated with their behavior. Those voices have been coded into us. Especially women are prone to internal such self-criticism.
2. I am unlovable
We are convinced that we have to hide the truth about ourselves as there is “something” wrong with the way we are. That’s why we don’t deserve love, intimacy, and acceptance.
3. I am a failure
Giving up without a fight. Perseverance, patience, and the ability to pick yourself up after failure are the fundamental elements of success not just in Silicon Valley, but in general.
Such thoughts often hide deep in our subconscious. They are hard to pinpoint and in order to get rid of them sometimes we need to reprogram our personality.
Where Do These Thoughts Come From?
All the way from our childhood; from our experiences; from what we once heard, saw, and lived through.
It takes one experience for us to start looking at the world through a “filter.” As a result we create a self-fulfilling prophecy. We need to understand the way we have been programmed to be able to deprogram ourselves. Some people are culturally programmed. I often work with people from Asia where they have a completely different “programming,” one stemming from their culture.
Research shows that until age 25 we get programmed by the environment—school, culture, and parents. If after 25 we don’t start reprogramming ourselves we are operating on “old software.”
What to Do? Think Differently
First we have to realize we have limiting beliefs. Next we need to understand where they came from. Oftentimes when we look back we are able to recall details or events from our life that made a given thought program itself in a certain way. Sometimes it is by pure accident.
When I was 12 I was laughed at because I was wearing a dreadful tracksuit. I still remember it clearly. Such events become deep memories. Sometimes they are so painful that we forget about them or reject them. Still, in spite of the passage of time, they keep subconsciously influencing our lives. As a result for years we tell ourselves: don’t dress different than others or else you will be ridiculed again. That’s why we have to start with consciousness. Zen philosophy and Buddhism also want you to be aware of your thoughts so that you can track down their origin. Nature abhors vacuum. That’s why we cannot just reject our thoughts and tell ourselves: I will no longer think this way. We have to slowly change the interpretation of that event and start to think about ourselves in a new way.
How to Change My Thinking?
Three Aspects—ABC: Affective, Behavioral, and Cognitive
We change our thoughts on the affective level: we change our emotions.
Many women when asked if they liked themselves said they did not. This is quite shocking.
Asked if they were someone else they would like to spend time with themselves? They also say they wouldn’t, they would not enjoy meeting themselves. Our attitude toward ourselves, the answer to the question why we do not like ourselves are issues studied by Stanford scientists, looking at women’s empathy toward themselves.
Women don’t have empathy for themselves.
We often empathize with others, but not with ourselves. We scorn ourselves for doing something wrong, something stupid again: you had another chocolate! Such thinking is not rooted in good self-esteem.
Behavioral Aspect or How to Change our Behavior
For example, when we never talk to anyone at meetings the brain receives this message: I act this way because I am an introvert.
Yet if we do something against our old habits and the situation forces us to start a conversation then we get another feedback, which questions our assertion that we are introverted.
These are the baby steps, which involve feedback and result in changes in our behavior.
Cognitive Aspect—Mind and Thoughts
This is very interesting insight—understanding what events made someone hold certain beliefs about oneself. Understanding the role of a woman and of a man. You can see then that some of our thoughts are completely absurd and irrational. This is like an anthropological study of ourselves, how we behave, what we say.
Viktor Frankl said that between the stimulant (the way someone acts toward us) and the response (the way we react) there is a space where we can make a choice. This is the space where our humanity operates. One-third of a second might pass before we respond to a stimulus. Often we react automatically, as if on autopilot. This is why it is considered that 90 percent of our thoughts are repetitive. We repeat the same thoughts and respond with the same thoughts, the same behavior.
Second Element—Heart
The second element is the heart, or the emotions, both positive and negative ones. This aspect connects to the rather unpopular feeling of shame and many kinds of fears.
Male and female brains have the same amount of neurons, the same number of neural connections. This is undisputed. The female skull is smaller because a woman’s body is smaller. The proportions of male and female bodies are identical. Some parts of female brain gets easily activated—as for instance the limbic system and the amygdala, connected to the fight or flight response.
Women ruminate a lot, which means they more often consider various solutions, commiserate, think of possible outcomes. We can wonder a whole night why we did what we did. To end rumination is to get “out of your head,” so movement and action. And the first step toward this is realizing that thoughts self-propel.
Men have an easier time admitting to a mistake: I failed, I did it wrong. Next time I will do better. Women are taught to do things perfectly—we don’t make mistakes and if we do they reflect on us as people. Failure often paralyzes and blocks us from taking further action.
That’s why our goal is to focus on action. Sometimes we have to turn off the thinking part of the brain and just do something. Brain is like a muscle that can be easily trained.
We need to learn to exchange rumination into action.
Third Element—Environment
The third element is the environment. Surroundings versus “SELF.”
Neurological research carried out at UCLA indicate that there is no such thing as “Self.” The “Self” is made up of information received from others, from the outside world. Our “Self” is the result of all those influences. What we consider our SELF is made up of the thoughts heard from my mother, my husband, my grandmother, anyone with whom I spend my time. This is why it is so important to decide whom we allow to program us. There is a grain of truth in the saying that we are the median of five people with whom we spend our time. I have seen this in myself. When I am in Poland I am a different person because different people influence me there.
Because of this it is important to pay attention to who is our “social model.” Whose behavior we copy, in whose footsteps we follow. And are we doing it consciously or not.
Social Support
My dad says that when you make a fire in a stove you have to first make the draft in the chimney. When you have the draft the fire burns by itself.
Today we women, especially in IT, are building this “draft” together. One pulls another up. There is no space for envy, competition as in “if she gets it, there will not be enough for me.” There is lots of money available on the market. Thinking that “there won’t be enough for me” is old typo of thinking which doesn’t help anyone.
When I worked on Wall Street I observed how men were helping each other out, how they “pulled each other up,” supported one another.
It is only recently that women gave themselves permission for such cooperation, for mutual support. We celebrate our friend’s success without assuming that since she managed to do it, I will not. Such thinking is fear-based and connected to the thought “I will not make it in time” —I will not manage to have a child, I will not manage to get a career. You don’t have to rush everything so much, be scared that there won’t be enough for us. We are living in the times of plenty and of unprecedented historical peace.
When We Are Our Own Enemy
Women sometimes try to shame other women using it as means of control. Girls who have issues around their bodies shame other women because it is easier to vent your aggression on another woman. This is very toxic. This kind of bullying starts with ourselves and this is why it is so important to have compassion for oneself. Only then you can begin to feel empathy for another. Artificial “niceness” is easily felt. Unfortunately, sometimes we are our own worst enemies.
Can Women Give Themselves Credit?
Women don’t brag. This is very sad. During my workshops I teach women to boast of their successes, even the smallest ones. We don’t boast because we are afraid of envy, shame, we are afraid to say something inappropriate. Women often say “I was lucky” which means that their success was not the result of their hard work but was due only to luck. Sometimes this is not true, as we work very hard.
Women think in a more social way. We like to talk with our friends, but do we just gossip or do we talk about our successes? To reprogram those conversations is an interesting and worthwhile challenge.
During my workshops we create groups in which the participants have to praise themselves for something. Even for just going out to a yoga class. These are everyday matters yet for me they build the feeling of being in a group of women with whom I can share my successes and I know that they will listen and understand me.
In one of my groups I had some famous people. The change that occurred in their self-assessment was incredible. Before they started they were afraid to say they were on CNN or that they got an award in Cannes. They didn’t think much of it. To be able to give yourself credit for what you’ve done is a natural, but paradoxically it does not come naturally to us.
Let’s pat ourselves on the back! Maybe even for small things, such as a dinner with your husband: It was a busy day but I want to congratulate myself for spending a nice evening with my husband.
Femininity—A New Trend?
There is a new trend focusing on anything concerning women. This is a good direction as many women do interesting things.
These days both in New York and in Warsaw there are many meetings, conferences and workshops for women. I am not sure if the gatherings for just women will be better than the mixed ones. Research shows that creativity needs diversity.
Still, some matters should be discussed just among women. When we talk about the feeling of shame involving our bodies or our motherhood—these subjects are so intimately feminine that the male participation could affect the comfort level of participants. Statistics shows that when men are present women’s participation in the discussion falls by 75 percent. That’s why it’s important to create a safe space for conversation.
It happened to me in my professional life that I had the answers but did not speak up. Someone else did. Later, on my way home, I asked myself why I remained silent.
Public Speaking
Women who speak up in public are less liked, since they are perceived as arrogant, aggressive in their behavior, and pushy. Research shows that the audience doesn’t like women who are the first ones to state their opinion. On the other hand if we never say anything we disappear in the crowd. So we walk a thin line and it is easy to fall.
Sometimes a question arises: can we deal with the situation when someone accuses us of being arrogant and pushy?
A person with a healthy self-esteem would answer: Yes, I am courageous and I am the first one to speak.
Or do we prefer to keep quiet and later feel bad about saying nothing?
Change has to come from within and without—both in the environment and in women’s consciousness.
Research shows that women have an easier time speaking if they represent not just themselves but a larger group of women. We prefer to say: “In our opinion…” instead of “In my opinion…” We speak then on behalf of a group of women.
The More Diverse the Group, the More Creative It Is
It is a known fact that mixed social groups are more creative. Diversity increases creativity. This is why there is so much discussion about the presence of women in the field of technology. It turns out that the meetings are much more fruitful when there are women participants. Their voice makes it possible to introduce another point of view on many issues that so far have only been discussed by men. This goes another way too—at a meeting where only women are present the male perspective might be lacking.
There is a growing awareness in the United States that many business incubators or accelerators have only white women participation. So this is the issue of not just gender, but also ethnic diversity. What if there were more women from Asia, more African American or Latinos? We are taking first steps to improve this ratio, but there is much to be done.
To Kill an Idea Is the Easiest Thing
The same parts of the brain that are responsible for physical pain are involved in perceiving social pain and the pain of rejection. That’s why being ostracized hurts physically. We all fear rejection. We are scared someone will say “no,” someone will say our idea is hopeless.
These situations are very common in the start-up world.
That’s why the companies who get into Y Combinator for the first three months, during the incubation, close themselves off from any external influence. New ideas are so vulnerable that they require special protection.
Such was the case when AirBnb was a start-up. The idea was questioned; people wondered Who would want to sleep on a mattress in a stranger’s home? Today Airbnb is worth several billion dollars. However, the idea was so sensitive and fragile that for three months it had to stay in an incubator.
This is the origin of the name “business incubator” since it shelters young ideas from external influences.
Because it is the easiest thing to kill and ridicule ideas. And, unfortunately, there are many societies where negative criticism is a “national sport,” where it is common practice to call any new idea ridiculous and dismiss it with What is she thinking? Who does she thinks she is?
Male Start-ups—Female Start-ups
In comparison to the start-ups created by men, women founded start-ups stay longer on the market enjoying success. “Male” start-ups quickly get going and climb up. “Female” start-ups take more time. It looks a bit like motherhood and taking care of a baby.
A Professionally Fulfilled Mom?
When people start having children both a woman and a man become more conservative in their roles of a mother or a father. This is regardless how liberal both people were before.
Are mothers who stay at home with their children unhappy?
Many women love to take care of children and give up their careers to take care of the family. Many others, however, are unhappy that they had to put their professional life aside. Some of my clients are women who left their jobs, sit at home and suffer. Others were able to combine their home duties with careers. These situations again involve the feelings of shame as this is not just about work but also about self-image: what kind of mother I am, what others think about me. Women think that if they continue to work they will be bad mothers. In spite of the known fact that daughters of working mothers do better in adult life. Working mothers are often more productive and better organized than working women who don’t have kids.
A friend of mine is a mother of a three-month old, keeps working, and does well at her job. Such approach is encouraging and should be followed.
In the United States more and more men stay at home to take care of the children. The model of the American family is changing, especially here, in Silicon Valley.
Will it be easier in the future to combine the roles of a mother and a working woman? I don’t have the answer.
Maternity Leave—In Poland or in the United States?
In the United States maternity leave is unpaid and lasts only three months.2 Many women think that the first three months of being a mom are the hardest. Taking care of a newborn is hard, time consuming and exhausting. When the child begins to be more fun, begins to communicate, a woman must return to work to pay for a nanny… At that moment the vicious circle begins as her whole income goes into paying for child care.
In Poland I met many young women who during their paid maternity leave started their own business. They say that it helped their companies to take off.
Changing Role of Man
I know some men whom you interviewed for your book “Talent Olympics in Silicon Valley: Conversations with Start-up Masters” and I know that they take care of their children and at the same time are really successful. They can be real role models for other couples.
The role of a man in raising children and is very important. The myth that only the mother takes care of the children is fading. Unfortunately the stereotypical “Polish Mothers,” women who sacrificed everything for the sake of the family, had a negative impact on the future of their children.
A new trend arises and the role of men in the lives of children is changing. It is happening in both Warsaw and the Silicon Valley. Some men are not quite happy about it, as women are becoming stronger. Still, there are others who enjoy the new situation and they appreciate the increased professional activity of women. Still, many feel threatened. It is reflected in lame, sexist comments publicly expressed by some men. It is their defense mechanism since they fear the loss of their power, status, and role.
What Does It Mean to Be a Woman, a Man?
Traditional roles begin to change. What will the new woman, the new man be like? How will their new roles be formed?
In the United States homosexual couples can marry. Gender definitions are becoming less rigid. What does it mean to be a woman or a man? We can already say that although physically I am a woman I choose for myself another gender. I will follow my own plan and I will be the person I want to be. I can run marathons, create companies, and take risky decisions. The question is not “Why?” but “Why not?”
Power Couples
Nowadays we stop talking about a power man or a power woman but we begin to talk about power couples. In the United States creative couples are becoming trendy. When two influential people come together and create something important, introduce changes, they become a modern power couple. A new unit is being created, a unit made up of two strong, influential people. You can see such couples on the political and business world—for example, Barack and Michelle Obama or Bill and Melinda Gates. The women do not hide in the shadow of their husbands but are professionally active, at the same time remaining very feminine. And these people are perceived not necessarily as individuals but as a pair that creates something together.
In Poland there are also some interesting role models, although there the changes take more time. I know many Polish couples who travel with their children. They put the kids in their backpacks and go for a month to Mexico… I hope there will be more families like that.
My Advice—Just Do it!
My motto has always been Just do it!
This saying has an interesting history. It is a Nike slogan heard from a runner from New Hampshire.
The story goes like this:
One of Nike employees would see a jogger who did his running every day, even in the snow or during a rain storm. He just stepped out and ran.
Finally the employee asked him: How do you do it? The sky is falling and you run!
The runner replied: Just do it!
So this is how the slogan came up.
You have to turn off your hang-ups. You have to understand whom you let program you. Sometimes the programming is very toxic.
You have to learn how to reprogram yourself, when to turn off your brain and stop listening to the critical voices in your head and: Just do it!
Do not fear…
I heard this advice many times. It keeps coming back in my life. I don’t know if it is fate… but people often tell me not to be afraid. Just like that.
I heard it first from an old woman in a Mexican village. She said: Do not fear. Consciously, I had no idea what she was talking about. Subconsciously I understood her very well. This is what I sometimes tell myself: Do not fear.
Fears exist only in the mind.
So, girls—Do not fear.
This is my message to you.
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The interview took place July 6, 2015 in San Francisco.