Chapter 5

Critical Situation Skills

Personalized business language: We follow up in this chapter with specific and singular needs of business interactions, which can be addressed rapidly and “on the fly,” if one masters the underlying use of information-to-knowledge transformational language.

Resolving Conflict

Conflict is seldom based on factual information that is right or wrong. More often than not, it is (by dictionary definition): an incompatibility between two or more opinions, principles, or interests. Different perspectives, perceptions, and experiences contribute to potential conflict in any situation. These differences can be related to:

• Values and beliefs
• Goals and responsibilities
• Resources
• Processes and procedures
• Individual differences and styles
• Imbalance within a team (relationships, communications, leadership)

Even though conflict frequently has a negative connotation, it can be highly positive. Just as Schumpeter called innovation creative destruction, conflict creates healthy tension, wherein people act with transparency and not hidden agendas.

When these differences are viewed as assets (instead of road blocks and distractors), they help pave the way to consensus, creativity, and commitment. (Consensus is something one can live with, not have to die for.)

When approached and handled effectively, conflict can be a significant catalyst in successful planning, execution, implementation, problem solving, decision making, and innovating. In essence, it’s a necessity for successful outcomes in any organization. A conflict, in and of its self, is not destructive. It’s the lack of effective conflict resolution (along with conflict avoidance) that causes impasses and destructive downward spirals.

If these differences (conflicts) are a good thing, then resolving conflict is more than fast-tracking (or demanding) others to see it my way. The key to dealing with conflict is not your ability to merely influence or convince others by what you tell them (or demand of them). It begins with your ability (and intent) to, first and foremost, understand others. The route to understanding is (once again, our reoccurring theme) asking the right questions at the right time. (When I was young and managing international sales forces, my idea of conflict resolution was to shoot everyone in the room and be the sole survivor. I learned there were always larger guns.)

Here are the keys to creating successful conflict resolution:

1. Focus on the process, the issue, the problem, the decision …not the person(s). Don’t find blame or assign fault or culpability.
2. Seek to understand first, not argue … ask the right questions.
3. Listen for understanding and with acknowledgment. Be empathetic. (Empathy: recognizing and understanding what the other feels, not sympathy, which is feeling what the other feels.)
4. Focus on the favorable outcomes, benefits, and value related to the mission, vision, strategy, stakeholders, and desired results.

Keep in mind, these keys are applicable whether you are facilitating conflict resolution with others or you are directly involved in the conflict.

Let’s look at each of these key steps in more detail:

1. Focus on the process, the issue, the problem, the decision, not the person(s). Don’t expect to change others’ core beliefs or behavioral styles. Don’t be critical of the person’s personality or preferences. Don’t cite blame or fault. Avoid blanket statements such as “You always …” or “You never …” Instead, focus on and deal with the specific matter at hand.
2. Seek to understand … ask the right questions. In order to resolve anything, you must be aware of others’ positions first. Ask questions to seek out the who, what, when, where, why of the situation. Ask additional probing questions as needed to determine the root of the conflict, not just the symptoms or effects. This is not meant to be an interrogation, but an exploratory conversation. This positions you to have a full understanding before attempting to be understood.
3. Listen for understanding and with acknowledgment. Be empathetic. Do you listen for understanding? Or, do you listen in order to respond? Listening is a science. Listening for understanding is an art. We’ve all been taught to keep quiet while the other person is speaking. But, here’s what hasn’t been taught: the technique of confirmation, which not only cites what the other person is saying, but also, more importantly, demonstrates your understanding. (What is said and what you understand aren’t always one and the same!) If you were to exactly repeat the words said, that would only confirm you heard what was said. It’s important to paraphrase and summarize what you’ve heard (put it in your own words) to confirm or validate your understanding. If there’s a disconnect or misunderstanding, this gives the other person the opportunity to clarify. (Note: This technique does not suggest agreement. It’s merely a path to true and accurate understanding.)

   The skill and value of empathy can easily be an entire chapter (or an entire book) all on its own. (Google empathy and you’ll find 32,500,000 results.) So, let’s discuss empathy here in context of conflict resolution, and to do that, let’s look at the working definitions of what empathy is not and what it is.

   Contrary to popular belief, empathy is not walking a mile in their shoes. It is not having been there and done that. It is not being able to fully relate to what the other person has experienced. In the purest sense, empathy is recognizing what the other person is experiencing or feeling. The formula for acknowledging empathy is to state: “It seems as though you are feeling (fill in the blank with the feeling/emotion).”

   Acknowledging someone’s feelings relative to the situation (happy, satisfied, elated, sad, confused, scared, frustrated, angry, disappointed, and so forth) provides a sense and reassurance of understanding. If you don’t pinpoint the emotion or feeling correctly, usually the other person will appropriately clarify or correct you, which is exactly what you want. Example:

   • You: “It seems as though you are frustrated with the new procedures.”
   • Them: Yes, I am frustrated.

     or

   • Them: I’m not frustrated, I’m angry that the procedures changed again and we weren’t consulted first.

   With either reply, the result is that both of you can confirm the feelings.

   Being empathetic is not meant to be agreement or approval. Instead (and more importantly), it is an acknowledgment of understanding, which is key to conflict resolution.

4. Focus on the favorable outcomes, benefits, and value related to the mission, vision, strategy, stakeholders, and desired outcomes. Often, conflict is around differences in input or principles, not necessarily around desired outcomes that may very well be mutually agreeable to all parties. Once you know and understand the source of the conflict, you can focus on and position what’s best in regard to achieving the desired results.

Conflict resolution isn’t about compromise or demands. It’s about questioning, listening, understanding, and confirming, and, ultimately, it’s about influencing others to see things from a perspective that can still be in their best interest.

Negotiating

Negotiating is the process of reaching agreement with two or more parties. It’s the give and take, win–win, win–lose, or lose–lose proposition. The focus on the process and end result of negotiating is different from traditional conflict resolution, and, yet, the same communications skills apply—questioning, listening, understanding, confirming, and empathy. When it comes to negotiations, it’s important to know how your audience thinks, not just what they think or how they feel.

Negotiating also requires a different level of rapport, persuasion, and confidence. If you’re in a position of power over your audience, it’s easy to insist and declare what the final agreement will be. However, the savvy negotiator uses personal power (influence and persuasion) instead of positional power to create the win–win.

Techniques to utilize when negotiating are as follows:

• Listen to the needs and wants of the other party.
• Ask noninflammatory questions to gather additional information and understanding (not “How did you end up in this pickle?” but “What would you like to accomplish from here?”).
• Identify common elements of both sides.
• Identify disparities of both sides.
• Emphasize the positive and agreeable aspects of your proposal and theirs.
• Tactfully challenge other’s views, without intimidating.
• Effectively handle objections to your proposal or position without being defensive.
• Identify top priorities and deal breakers—yours and theirs.

The process of effective negotiations is more about well-honed communications skills and interpersonal skills versus the actual content of the negotiations. It’s having the right level of emotion, without exhibiting or promoting destructive emotion. It focuses on consummate questioning and listening techniques, not threatening power plays. It’s the competency of taking inventory (deal breakers, priorities, needs, and wants) throughout the discussion, as these can easily morph or they can abruptly and drastically change.

The most effective tactics for negotiation:

If we revisit decision making for a moment, we see the need for musts and wants. A must is something critical and mandatory (and measurable), without which you will fail. A want is merely a desire, though some wants are more desirable than others.

Applied to negotiations, never sacrifice a must for a want. In chess, you don’t take a knight if it means losing your queen. In business, you don’t accept a cosmetic improvement in return for losing productivity and performance. Whether negotiating with unions, investors, lawyers, suppliers, or customers, never make that trade.

The vaunted Ritz-Carlton Hotel approach at one point had all employees capable of offering up to $2,500 in free amenities to please an unhappy guest—when, in fact, often a mere thank you or free drink would have sufficed. Nordstrom’s one-time policy of accepting all returns—even if perspiration stained, damaged, or not from their store—gained publicity but also red ink, since it enabled transgressions and the wrong kind of customers.

These are negotiation tactics that sacrificed musts (profit) for wants (please every customer, reputation as a good company).

Most people think that negotiation is about win–lose, a zero-sum game. It’s not. It’s about win–win, where we’re both happy, even if not ideally happy. But bear in mind, the opposite of win–win is lose–lose.

Both Mercedes and Chrysler took a bath because of poor-faith negotiations. Mercedes should have been more honest and Chrysler should have been more diligent.

How about you?

Exploiting Success

Do these questions for a postproject debrief (the infamous postmortem) sound familiar:

• What didn’t meet expectations and why?
• How can we prevent that from occurring again?
• What do we need to do differently next time?
• What constraints or barriers did we face?
• What hindered your progress?
• How can we do better next time?
• Who blew it?
• How do we recover from this (or hide it)?

Even if you add a first question on success (as many debriefs do), most of the discussion focuses on what didn’t go well. While those discussions have a time and place, how often do you and your team discuss the intimate details of success in order to exploit that success? We’re not referencing the cursory celebration party. Instead, we’re suggesting a postmortem on success factors. This will position you and your organization to exploit the current success and create repeatable successes. (Novel idea, huh?)

Here are additional ideas on exploiting success at different levels of the organization.

Exploiting Individual Success

Implement a routinely scheduled one-on-one meeting with managers and direct reports. The format of this meeting is not designed to be a mini-performance review. Instead, it focuses on three areas:

This is the employee’s meeting. The manager may facilitate it, but the idea is for the employee to come to the meeting to discuss things from his/her perspective. The meeting is designed to be casual, informal, and conversational. As the employee discusses accomplishments, this is the manager’s opportunity to recognize and acknowledge these successes. The accomplishments don’t have to be big, bell-ringing, life-saving, heroic measures. It’s the employee identifying what they did, how they did it, and why that accomplishment or result is of VALUE. The value can focus on or be beneficial to any or all of these areas:

The value can also be aligned with areas such as mission, vision, strategy, revenue, profit, customer loyalty, company culture, quality, streamlined processes and procedures, and so forth.

This discussion positions the manager to explore and acknowledge employee accomplishments, in essence, to exploit successes. And, you don’t have to throw a parade to do so.

This may sound like an elementary activity. And, yet, executives throughout a variety of organizations have told me how this tool and process have drastically changed and improved communications throughout their organizations.

NOTE: If you are interested in more information about this process, check out the Appendix. (Everything you ever wanted to know about effective one-on-one meetings is there!)

In the same way, you should debrief and celebrate the success of any initiative or project, and you should also debrief and celebrate your own incremental successes. Leaders can be successful and have no idea how or why. In order to exploit success (repeat it), you must be able to identify the components of it.

The foregoing progression demonstrates that we are normally at our best in unconscious competence (we tie our shoe without thinking about it, do our job without thinking about it, and so on), but we can only learn and improve in conscious competence (making a loop in the lace to tie the shoe, creating certain computer responses to do our job, and so on).

Here’s a quick example: Fold your arms and then your hands very fast three times. We’ll wait.

Now, try it again with the opposite arm on top and opposite thumb on top. You can do it, but only after some brief difficulty, until you return to conscious competence from unconscious competence.*

Examining victories requires the conscious competence of what we did to improve and succeed, and what needs to be incorporated in every future, similar scenario. That’s why golfers need swing coaches and actors need directors.