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(In)Authenticity

The key to getting unstuck

We take a big risk by placing authenticity at the center of our exploration because our popular culture uses the word to mean so many different things. As one reader said, “When both Pope Francis and Donald Trump can be described by admiring fans as ‘authentic,’ I don’t know what the word means anymore.”

Pause here and make some notes as you consider this question: What does an authentic conversation look like to you?

What most people call “authenticity” is the tendency to speak our mind, take a clear position, and be consistent with what we’ve said and done before. As activists, we were taught that being authentic means being certain, persistent, and unapologetic. If we feel any degree of ambivalence or uncertainty, we just stay quiet.

The need to be certain can make for entertaining television debates, but it is limiting too. It creates unproductive friction in our relationships while eliminating opportunities for dialogue, learning, or innovation. On the wider stage, it creates polarization among the loudest activists with most of us remaining silent.

This kind of authenticity is grounded in consistency with the past. In fact, the first definition of “authentic” in the Oxford dictionary uses the words “made or done in the traditional or original way, or in a way that faithfully resembles an original.” So we assume “authentic” people act in a way that is consistent with how we have seen them act, what we have heard them say, or “their roots.”¹

This can be good. You make a commitment that you will stand up for a community, organization, or ideal, and you stick to it. People know what to expect. They can rely on you. You honor your word. In this sense, consistency with the past can be important in maintaining your integrity and existing relationships.

Consistency with the past can lead to getting stuck

The trouble is that consistency with the past can hold you back from creating a new future. It gets you stuck in repetitive patterns of conversation or behavior. How often have you found yourself in a debate about issues and heard yourself saying the exact same phrases and telling the exact same stories you have before? If you consider where your ‘talking points” come from, you’ll find that you are recycling conversations from the past. They might come from a parent or older sibling, a friend or colleague, an article you read, or a public figure you heard. This is one factor that causes polarization and gridlock to persist.

What happens if you have new experiences, learn new information, and meet people who challenge your point of view? In that circumstance, holding onto the past stops being true self-expression. Or what if you find that the conversations you’ve been having aren’t producing the results you want? Maybe they are insufficient or even incompatible with the future you want to create. Then consistency with the past can be harmful to your cause.

Put simply, a past-based definition is frozen, or static. Let’s set static authenticity aside for a moment and think about dynamic authenticity.

Dynamic authenticity is aligned with the future

You might be asking, who are we (Jason and Gabriel) to tell you how to be authentic? We are bundles of conflicting attitudes and desires. We want long-term solutions, and we want them now. We want everyone on Earth to flourish, and we would like to boot litterers off the planet. We want social equity, and we want to be independently wealthy. We want to act with self-determination, and we want to be coerced and rewarded into doing the right thing. We want people to stop driving their unnecessarily large vehicles, and we treasure our dogs, who have a large carbon footprint (from their meat-based, processed-food diet).²

If you found yourself chuckling as you read that last paragraph, or if we seem a little more human for admitting our contradictions, you are noticing a fundamental premise of our work. When we express these inconsistencies—our own inner conflicts that usually remain hidden—we create a different kind of space. We expose our vulnerability, our journey of growth. Our own inner tensions make the conversation come alive.

Surprisingly, it’s not that difficult. We are humans, and we are complicated. We all have a profound capacity for love, awareness, and courage. We are also deeply motivated to stay safe and to look good. We will avoid hard work, yet we’ll climb mountains for fun. We judge others for being judgmental. We strive to win, dominate, and control, and we like to belong, to be heard, and to be loved.

It turns out that where people are thriving and innovating together across “party lines,” a different kind of authenticity is at work—one that is dynamic and alive (table 1). Rather than being true to the person you’ve known yourself to be, imagine being true to your growth, not knowing who you could become.³ Rather than being consistent with the past, imagine being consistent with a future you really want. Imagine riding waves of continual inquiry rather than anchoring in certainty. Imagine connecting with people, whether or not you have always agreed, based on your common humanity and the future you could create together. This idea of dynamic authenticity is more like the Oxford dictionary’s third definition of “authentic”: “(in existentialist philosophy) relating to or denoting an emotionally appropriate, significant, purposive, and responsible mode of human life.” ⁴

Table 1 Static authenticity versus dynamic authenticity

For the purposes of this book, we can work with the following definition:

“Authenticity” means striving to be consistent with the world you want to create and being honest about your inconsistencies.

Notice how you respond to this new idea. When you start to consider being oriented toward growth, toward the future that is inherently unknown, how does that feel? When you imagine people expressing ambivalence and vulnerability and acknowledging their inauthenticity, how does that feel? On one hand, you may be enlivened by the idea, inspired, excited.

At the same time, the uncertainty could be terrifying. When we think of authenticity as static, being authentic means knowing who you are. Dynamic authenticity involves not knowing who you are or who you could become. As humans, we’re often uncomfortable with ambiguity or uncertainty, so you may actively avoid those experiences. It’s okay if this idea is uncomfortable or disconcerting. Think of that discomfort as a healthy sign of your experience of being alive. Discomfort is a part of growth and venturing into the unknown.

The cornerstone of dynamic authenticity is a key paradox that we will explore and experience in this book: the pathway to authenticity is to acknowledge our inconsistencies. If authenticity is about aligning with the future you want, one opportunity for growth is to find the misalignments.

Dynamic authenticity is a team sport

In the next several chapters we will take you through that process of identifying inconsistencies. We will ask you to consider those contexts where you have worked to engage people in the issues that matter to you. We will ask about the times when your actions, your words, your way of being have fallen out of step with your aspirations. What can those occasions reveal about your own inner contradictions that have yet to see the light of day? In identifying these moments of inauthenticity, we create an opportunity to express ourselves more fully and powerfully.⁵

When we do, something different becomes possible. Instead of keeping us separate from other people, our hidden selves bring us closer! We laugh about our shared imperfections and just how mixed up we really are. From there we can create the space for something new—a fresh authentic conversation toward a better world.

Playing this game alone, however, is very difficult because often we can’t see our inconsistencies without help. In the introduction we described this book as “serious play,” and it is a team sport. It requires getting help from our friends to reflect—to hold up a mirror and help us see how we have approached challenging conversations.

If you haven’t chosen someone already, we strongly suggest you invite a friend, a colleague, or a group of people to join you as you work through this book. Invite someone to be your coach. Find someone who can quickly see the traps you fall into, isn’t afraid to say so, and can help guide you along this journey. Your coach may even agree to join you! You can commit together to help each other break through gridlock, however that may appear in each of your lives.

Our experience is that authenticity grows in conversation. We plant the seed with our own commitment to producing new results. We lay down roots in these peer-support “buddy” relationships, where we get to explore and be vulnerable. Then we reach out into the open air, newly approaching difficult conversations. If we are persistent, we get to enjoy the fruits of new understanding and creative outcomes.