CHAPTER 7

SEVEN WAYS FOR CREATING POSITIVE CONNECTIONS

Connection gives purpose and meaning to our lives.

Brené Brown

In most martial arts, before learning to fight, one must learn the art of falling down (called Ukemi in Japanese). In this same vein, we have reviewed tools for conflict resolution before we addressed ways to create positive relationships. When you have the confidence, tools, and commitment to manage conflicts, you will be empowered and free to focus on building positive contacts. You know that if you ‘fall’, you have the necessary tools to get back on your feet and so does your opponent. To that end, possessing tools to resolve conflicts (RESOLVE) is an essential part of any functional and rewarding relationship. This chapter deals with creating positive connections.

Unfortunately, promoting trust and nurturing healthy workplace relationships are not a priority in many organisations, which is shocking because investing in creating supportive connections between employees can have a massive positive influence in terms of performance-related outcomes. A retired manager summarised 35 years of being actively engaged with many senior management teams in the following way, ‘Unfortunately, all the teams I was part of throughout my career were pretty dysfunctional. It is sad, because of this we never got close to achieving our potential.’ He is not alone. A Gallup World Poll found out that only 15% of employees worldwide are engaged in their workplaces (Clifton, 2017). Paradoxically, organisations tend to engage in organisational restricting and creating performance appraisal systems that, in many cases, end up being trust killers. The good news is that building healthy relationships is a skill that can be learned and improved. When you successfully improve the quality of relationships in your life, many other aspects of your daily functioning can be transformed. It can affect everything from physical health, to overall satisfaction of life.

This chapter will provide you with tools to:

• ■create and nurture positive relationships and supportive work environments
• ■accurately assess your relationships
• ■have a reality check by receiving feedback about how others perceive your ability to relate
• ■make a plan to address your areas of weakness in relationship-building.

Human relationships by their very nature are often both rewarding and difficult. Relationships in the workplace are especially challenging because you spend many hours at your workplace and, more often than not, you don’t get to choose your co-workers. Further, the structure of most professional environments renders itself to power play dynamics, which may challenge your sense of self-worth. Also, many of your gifts and talents may stay in the shadows, unless they are needed to perform your day-to-day duties. For example, if you are an engineer, you probably won’t be recognised at work on your ability to play a piano sonata, or your outstanding strategic chess skills. And, to top it off, when that inevitable argument with a supervisee or supervisor occurs, you won’t have the option to go to a couple’s counsellor (even though that can be an effective solution!).

One of the main myths regarding interpersonal relationships is that connection is some kind of ‘chemistry’ over which we have very little control. Simply stated, ‘we “click” or we don’t and it cannot be helped either way’. If I ‘click’ with my supervisor or supervisee, my work life will be that much easier than if I don’t. The reality is that connection is an interaction that can be broken down to its basic ingredients. When we look at each ingredient and then at how they correspond with each other, we get a better understanding of the art of connecting. In order to help you improve your interpersonal connections, we have developed a tool to help you quantify connection, measure the strength of a specific relationship, and identify opportunities for its improvement. This tool helps to break down an abstract concept into observable behaviours.

We first identified seven aspects of healthy relationships and constructed practical tools that can create positive workplace connections. Most of them are also applicable to all interpersonal relationships. There is a famous Jewish-Hasidic story of a man who, upon his death, met with the Creator, and was faced with the option of choosing between Heaven and Hell. He was surprised to discover that both places looked pretty much the same! But, in Hell, the people could not feed themselves because the forks they were given were too long to handle and, hence, they were ravenously hungry. While, in Heaven, the forks were also absurdly long, but nobody starved, because people fed each other.

Our hope is that improving your ability to implement small steps in the way you connect will allow you to experience ‘heaven’ in your workplace.

SEVEN WAYS TO CREATE AND IMPROVE POSITIVE CONNECTION IN THE WORKPLACE

COMMITMENT AND LEVEL OF VALUE (LOV)

Creating and improving existing relationships is an art form that requires deliberate intention, energy and effort. You wouldn’t want to waste those resources on relationships that are not truly important to you. You can use the stakeholders map in Chapter 2 to help you assess how much you are willing to invest in building a connection with a specific person. Don’t be discouraged by a dysfunctional or bad relationship. This chapter is about improving those relationships to work in your favour.

TRUST

The ability to trust and be trusted is the foundation of relationships. Your trustworthiness can always be improved and deepened. Bill’s story is a manifestation of the power of trust to produce amazing results.

Bill was hired to develop a new and innovative product for an established company. Doing his work required introducing new procedures and workflows for the staff of the organisation. This change was met with resistance by the employees. The path to implementing his new product was full of obstacles. Several directors tried to guide Bill, but they were unsuccessful, due to their lack of knowledge in his specialised field. They failed to understand what Bill needed and how to support him when things didn’t go as well as planned. Eventually, the chief finance officer, Katrine, stepped in to take over this necessary supervisory role. Katrine was reluctant to do it because, like everybody before her, she had little insight into the new product and the procedures required to build it. So, she decided it was time for her to learn.

First, she focused on learning the product and understanding Bill’s needs at the company. Very quickly, a bond of trust was created between Bill and Katrine. During this time, the product started to develop at an exponential pace. It was successful in every measurable matrix and the staff smoothly adapted to the new procedures. Bill told us, ‘I was “in love” with the company and with my job. Each day we had a breakthrough and, when we faced setbacks, I didn’t waste unnecessary energy worrying about it. Instead, Katrine and l focused on solutions and empowering each other. I woke up each day looking forward to the day ahead. The active ingredient in this relationship was first and foremost trust and the commitment to stay honest and engaged, even when it was hard. We dealt with many internal and external obstacles. Those were the most productive and fun years of my working life. Since then, I have developed many products, but I was never able to replicate this same success because since then I never had that kind of trust and support.’ The big challenge with trust is that it is built slowly by many little daily acts and it can be tarnished by one unintentional act of betrayal.

The good news here is that trust can be restored. In reality, when trust is violated and then, subsequentially, fully repaired, this new trust is stronger than it was initially. Horsager (2012), an adjunct professor of organisational leadership at Bethel University, defined trust as ‘the ability to believe in a person or a product as having inherent integrity, even under the most trying circumstances’. He gives examples of how greater trust translates to greater creativity, freedom, morale and productivity. He names the ‘Eight Pillars of Trust’: clarity, compassion, character, competency, commitment, connection, contribution and consistency.

Rebuilding broken trust

The method for rebuilding broken trust can be summed up in the four As model (AAAA):

• ■Acknowledge: what happened in detail and verify that the person you are addressing feels you ‘got it’.
• ■Apologise: take full responsibility and use the sentence: ‘I am sorry I did XYZ (whatever the situation was as objectively as possible), and I understand that it was annoying/disappointing/hurtful/harmful to you.’ Avoid (at all costs!) adding any ‘but’ because it then discounts everything stated before the ‘but’ . . . For example: ‘I apologise for doing X but, you did Y.’ ‘Butting’ is never a good idea and brings in blame to the person to whom you are apologising.
• ■Amend: be active in addressing and fixing the situation. Demonstrate by actions that you understood what went wrong and you are taking steps to rectify your mistake or prevent its reccurrence in the future. Often, actions speak louder than words.
• ■Agree: and make plans to move forward.

SAFETY

Physical safety is a basic human need. When it is violated or compromised, all other aspects of any relationship are in danger. We shall continue under the assumption that your organisation prioritises physical safety.

In order to have positive relationships, we also need to have psychological safety. Edmondson (2019), a Harvard Business School professor, explains in her book The Fearless Organization, the need for psychological safety, which means that people within the organisation are protected from being ridiculed or punished for speaking up. It is a common practice in many organisations to discourage people from expressing opinions that are contrary to the ideas defined by the management team. This dynamic is usually implicit and hidden. Actually, in many organisations where ‘speaking your mind’ is discouraged, the explicit message is: ‘we respect you and we want to hear what you have to say’, but, in reality, expressing ideas that are controversial or contradict what is already in place are discouraged and people violating this unwritten rule may find themselves shamed or covertly looked down upon by management or even their co-workers.

A good example for that is John’s story. He came to therapy after he wrote an email to his supervisor and her peers suggesting some ways to improve the workflow in his company. He also asked some valid questions about the current procedures in his email. He received a return email from a member of the senior management team, requesting him to be more mindful about clogging their inboxes with these ‘non-urgent’ questions. His email was never addressed nor were his valid points ever considered. Since then, his morale has plummeted – he has never made any additional suggestions, and gone on to poorly perform his duties as outlined in his job description. In any working relationship, knowing that you can express your thoughts, opinions, and even doubts, is a signature sign of psychological safety.

Increasing safety

Psychological safety is addressed by creating a space, where you express yourself without fear of adverse outcomes. Try the following exercise to assess how you may rank in providing a safe space at work.

Creating safety requires honesty and taking a candid internal inventory:

• ■Am I deeply open and interested in hearing my employees’, co-workers’, or supervisors’ opinions and ideas?
• ■Are there any subtle ways in which I limit people’s expressions and ideas (e.g. like being impatient, criticising them behind their backs, not taking them seriously, joking in a nonchalant way about what they are saying)?
• ■Am I committed to change and self-improvement?
• ■Do I make myself approachable and available to my colleagues and teams?

Make a plan to address the areas you can improve.

When you work in a workplace that lacks psychological safety, your options and success are limited.

You can consider the following:

• ■Be fully aware of your boundaries: what are you willing to do and what not? (For example, are you willing to work overtime and/or on weekends? What are the job assignments you can perform, what are the ones you can’t? How do you want to be addressed? What workplace behaviours are acceptable to you and which ones are not?) Make a list, stay true to yourself while staying as flexible as practically possible, be clear about your boundaries and express them, commit to acts aligned with your values, and choose your battles wisely.
• ■You can write an anonymous letter to the senior management team or board of directors, with practical solutions.
• ■Buy someone in a position of power a book that can help him or her understand what the problem is. Highlight the relevant pages.
• ■Explain how you see the problem, and outline your suggestions. Be respectful to your colleagues and don’t forget to mention what is going well and correctly.
• ■Ask relevant people if they are interested in receiving your feedback.
• ■If everything else fails, work on your exit plan from the organisation.

INTEGRITY

There is a common myth that, in order to succeed, you need to cheat, lie and manipulate. The reality is that lack of integrity is extremely damaging in relationships. It might present some gains in the short term, but it is a losing strategy in the long term. It might occasionally seem the easiest way out of difficult situations, but it truly isn’t. There is a power in truth that lends itself to safety and loyalty in self and others. When someone knows that they can trust your word, they will be much more inclined to want to truly collaborate with you. Furthermore, when you demonstrate integrity, it encourages others to increase their level of integrity too. This is not to be confused with self-righteousness and pretending to be holier than thou. The consequences of being disloyal and deceiving are not only in the tangible outcomes that are eventually poor but in internal well-being. When someone lies and deceives others, this person must assume that others do the same. It translates to paranoia and being constantly on guard. As psychologists, we get to witness people ‘back stage’, the side of them they usually hide from the world. From this perspective, we can safely testify to the hellish world of living without being able to trust.

Tami learned a vital lesson in honesty early on. As a young theatre director, she was interviewed for a prestigious scholarship, for which her odds of receiving were slim to none. She told the director who interviewed her about difficulties she was facing in a production she was directing. The director seemed surprised and Tami explained: ‘It is not that I am honest, I am just too tired to lie.’ She received the scholarship that made a fundamental change in her professional life. The director told her later, ‘It is your honesty that made us believe that you were the person we were looking for.’

Honesty is the best policy not just in the scholarship arena or in the theatrical world. Several studies showed that families and patients were less likely to sue in cases of adverse reaction to treatment when provided by medical doctors with a full explanation and apology (Hickson et al., 1992). It is not a formula or an agreement that means: ‘I am going to tell you the truth and you will give me what I want.’ It only means, ‘I am going to play fair, because this is how I choose to show up myself to the world.’

One of our clients stated, ‘I want my grandchildren to be proud of me. It means that sometimes I have to sacrifice things I want. I usually want to win but I choose to lose if it jeopardises my ability to sleep at night or my legacy.’

You can test your integrity by candidly answering the following questions:

1. 1.Do I often lie to the people I work with?
2. 2.Do I often gossip about others?
3. 3.Do I often ‘cut corners’?
4. 4.Do I often pretend to know more than I actually know?
5. 5.Do I often present myself differently before the people I supervise and my supervisors?
6. 6.Do the people around me know what I think about them?
7. 7.In percentage terms, how much of what I say I am going to do do I actually do? ___________________________________________________________

The answers to these questions do not reveal how high you succeeded to climb in your organisation or company, they mainly reveal your quality of life. We all lie, gossip, cut corners, cheat and pretend from time to time. It is part of being human. We, the authors, needed to look at our integrity while writing this chapter and it wasn’t easy. We suggested being aware of our shortcomings and correct the behaviours that are not aligned with our integrity, the way we want to be treated and the people we want to be.

RESPECT

Respect is a feeling of safety and trust with the addition of seeing others in their best light possible, to see them as successful, talented and capable. The Sanskrit word Namaste represents the concept, ‘I bow to the light inside you’. It is obviously easier said than done. There are some scientific references to the effectiveness of seeing (or bowing to) a person’s potential. One is the Pygmalion effect, which refers to the phenomenon that when we perceive people as capable, this will positively affect their performance. Robert Rosenthal and Lenore Jacobson (1992) showed that student performances were positively correlated to teachers’ expectations. This correlation is alive and well in the workplace. If you believe in an employee’s ability to perform well, chances are that he or she will. It is not a magical unexplained phenomenon. When you expect someone to do well, you tend to be more aware of things that are going well, you recognise those behaviours, and reward them, that in turn motivates the person to repeat this behaviour. Michelangelo (Parker, 2013), the famous artist, stated: ‘I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.’ The pre-requisite for this powerful dynamic to work is you cannot fake it, you need to see the light in others. You truly need to ‘see the angel’.

It is not recommended to be naive and neglect to see areas that need to be corrected. On the contrary, seeing people as competent and able allows them to provide honest feedback which is a huge gift in the workplace. Providing respectful feedback sends the message that you trust them and want to help them be the best they can be.

ABILITY TO TAKE RISKS

There are risks and costs to a program of action. But they are far less than the long-range risks of comfortable inaction.

John F. Kennedy

Connecting requires taking risks. In the workplace, there is a constant temptation to avoid risks and stay inside our comfort zone. This is completely understandable because the consequences of saying or doing the wrong things might end up in your having to look for another job. Yet, it is avoiding risks that makes us stagnate and waste precious years of our life! There is something paradoxical in escaping risks because it gives us the illusion that we are safe. This dynamic is happening in our mind. We avoid taking risks, the ‘horrible’ consequence we imagined does not happen so we feel safe and encouraged to continue shunning moving out of our comfort zone. Treasurer (2019), in his book Courage Goes to Work, explains how avoiding moving forward and taking risks can impede employees’ careers. He suggests four steps in his ‘Courage Foundation Model’: jump first, create safety, harness fear and modulate comfort. If avoiding risks is a major issue in your life, we strongly recommend reading his book. We are not denying that taking risks is scary, but we suggest finding the courage to take the next small step towards what you want to achieve.

One risky behaviour in the workplace is giving feedback. Sincere positive feedback is a true gift. Noticing and rewarding positive behaviour naturally makes people motivated to repeat those behaviours. Negative feedback can be devastating but, equally, it can be empowering. Kim Scott (2017) explains how guidance is a key to creating a joyful team. She states that the core of effective feedback is caring personally and challenging directly. Successful organisations implement this attitude, There is no bad feedback, but there are bad situations due to lack of feedback.

It is equally important to seek feedback and accept it. It might feel awkward to ask for feedback, especially when there is a power dynamic in place, but it is as important as having a good map when you are navigating in the wilderness. Soliciting feedback, evaluating it, and allowing this feedback to affect you will help you arrive at your desired destination.

MINDFULNESS

Mindfulness calls for paying attention, being aware and accepting what is without judgement. At work, many facets are competing for your attention. It is easy to get distracted, stressed and overwhelmed. Focusing on your own behaviour in the present, as well as noticing others, can be beneficial. This can help you change and avoid destructive patterns of behaviours. Being mindful can help you reduce stress and increase your ability to think clearly, be more engaged, and enjoy the present moment. It can also help you identify destructive patterns of thinking and behaving. Once you identify and see an obstacle, it is easier to go around it.

The way we grow and evolve by increasing awareness is well explained in Portia Nelson’s (1977) poem Autobiography in Five Short Chapters. She describes the progress of learning to avoid obstacles as first falling into a hole, not taking any responsibility, then recognising what we did, but still falling into the same pattern (hole) until we learn to see the hole and avoid it. Eventually, we find a new path and altogether avoid the street where the hole is.

In recent years, being attentive to the present moment became a trend. There are many books, apps and programmes that help you become more focused and mindful. In terms of relationships, being mindful truly allows you to track your thinking and be more intentional in the way you act.

The next exercise will give you a snapshot of any relationship that you are interested in exploring. You can complete a snapshot of this connection at different levels, including: self, others, groups, organisations and communities and concepts. It can increase your awareness of both weak and strong aspects of this relationship.

Another powerful exercise you might want to try is rating yourself on the following set of statements and then elicit feedback from three to five colleagues. Ask them to rate you on the same statements. Your connection rating would be the average rating that others gave you. You will discover how you are perceived by others and what they think about your ability to connect. The more people you ask to complete this short survey, the more information you will have to work with. Your connection rating constantly changes, it is context-related, it change as you work to improve it. Using these simple tools to quantify your ability to connect will help you identify which areas to focus on. You might have a high connection rating at home and a poorer one at work or vice versa.

Soliciting feedback can be risky; it puts you in a vulnerable position, but it can give you valuable information. It validates things you are doing well and also identifies areas you can improve upon. As we stated previously: feedback is a gift.

One way that we have found effective in asking for feedback is to say or write to people: ‘I am working on improving my ability to connect. I am devoting time and effort to this process. I appreciate your opinion [only if you sincerely do] and I will be grateful if you would be willing to complete this brief five-minute survey.’

If needed, find ways to make this survey confidential. If it is not anonymous, reassure people that there would be no adverse consequences of completing the survey. In return, you might have a better boss/colleague/friend or family member from the experience.

SUMMARY AND ACTIONS

Improving our relationships is an ongoing process. It requires intention and constant attention. We believe that it is one of the best investments you can make for yourself. Like many other personal changes, you cannot do this overnight. The most effective way to achieve results is by setting an intention and implementing small but consistent steps. There are things you can do on a daily, weekly, monthly, and even a yearly, basis.

Step one: define what relationship you want to improve.

Step two: assess the current situation:

1. 1.Complete the connection rating for this person. If possible and safe, ask them to rate you (don’t take unnecessary risks at this stage, however). Identify areas of strengths and areas in need of improvement.

   Rating: _________________________________________________

   Areas of strengths: _______________________________________

   Areas in need of improvement: ___________________________

2. 2.If you are working on your own CR, identify an area you would want to improve in your connections (e.g. work, with family, or with friends) and ask people to complete the survey.

   Rating: _________________________________________________

   Areas of strengths: _____________________________________

   Areas in need of improvement: ___________________________

Step three: intention:

1. 1.Set a clear intention. (What do you want to experience within this relationship?)
2. 2.If you are working on your CR, define what ultimate outcome you want to see for yourself.

Step four: importance:

Rate the level of importance (value) of this relationship:

Write down why it is important: _____________________________

Step five: define the action steps on a daily, weekly and monthly basis:

• ■On a daily basis: I will . . . (e.g. find something positive about this person or others, write a human gratitude list, at the end of the day write down what I am grateful for or do something nice for this person, be attentive to this person’s needs).
• ■Once a week: I will . . . (e.g. do something special for this person, invite them out, send a supportive email, tell someone else about what I find special in this person).
• ■Once a month: I will . . . (e.g. elicit feedback, go out of my way to do something really special, give this person a gift just because . . .).

Step six: feedback:

At the heart of change is feedback. Let a person you trust know what you are doing, and ask him or her to give you honest feedback. Re-do the rating exercise. Modify your action plan accordingly.

Good luck and cheers to improving a vital component in your relationships!