10
FEMALE FUSION
Fuse with Incredible Women to Attain the Impossible
I feel there is something unexplored about a woman that only a woman can explore.
GEORGIA O'KEEFFE
A fusion of women on fire is a rush of pure energy.
VICKIE L. MILAZZO
The more successful you are, the less you're expected to need other women in your life and the less time you have to spend time together. Take time to spend a day with powerful, wickedly successful women and you'll come away spinning with energy and ideas. That's Female Fusion.
Fusion occurs when you merge diverse, distinct or separate elements into a unified whole. When women come together and share their passions, visions, experiences, fears and promises, an amazing bond occurs. From that bond emerge sparks of brilliance and insight that none of these women alone, or in any other combination, could have inspired. Female Fusion is the most powerful Feminine Force of all.
According to a landmark UCLA study on managing stress, the bonds we form with women also benefit our health and longevity. The hormone oxytocin, enhanced by estrogen and released as part of our stress response, encourages us to gather with other women. The bond that forms helps to fill emotional gaps and lowers the risk of early death. Men experiencing stress go into a fight-or-flight response. Women's broader response system may explain why we consistently outlive men.
Having worked almost exclusively with women throughout my career, I wasn't surprised by the results of that UCLA study. When Tom and I were in Morocco, I experienced a spontaneous example of Fusion.
Our biking group interacted as couples until one night at dinner when we split up, all the men in one room, all the women in another. My entire experience of these women I'd spent a week with changed during this one evening as we dug deep into heart-to-heart topics about fears, acts of courage, successes, failures and love. After dinner I asked Tom, “What did you talk about?” He said, “Sports, jokes, compared digital cameras, typical guy stuff. We had a great time.” The women had fun, too, but while the guys were bantering and bonding superficially, the women were discussing our most profound feelings.
Yet, despite such amazing experiences with women, even I wasn't quite prepared for the incomparable results of the first Female Fusion. The Fusion that resulted from conceptualizing this book was so powerful I have to pass it along to you. The more audacious your passionate vision, the more you'll want Fusion.
THE STORY OF THE FIRST FEMALE FUSION
We gathered in a hotel, women from age 33 to 74—a learning specialist, a marketing director, a graphic design entrepreneur, a massage therapist, a writer, an interior designer, a marketing creative, my second mom and me. Many of the women had never met; I was the only person there who knew all these incredible women. Some I worked with, others were longtime friends. None of us had a clue as to what was about to happen. We sat at a large, round table and began the Circle of Fusion exercise (see page 305).
We each chose one of the Feminine Forces, the one that tugged at us most, then we broke quickly into smaller groups. In each of our small groups, one woman talked for five minutes, relating a personal experience and the feelings and memories triggered by the Feminine Force she chose. The others listened actively while writing down on small stickers positive qualities—like honor, courage, commitment, humor and joy—that the speaker's comments sparked. When the woman stopped speaking she passed her Circle of Fusion to the listeners, who then affixed their one-word labels to the Circle while verbalizing how her story had affected them. The speaker then responded to each listener's feedback.
Here's One Example
Chris: I chose endurance. Endurance is seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. A lot of women suffer hard times, and when I thought about endurance, well, gosh, by the grace of God, I've never had to endure anything terrible. Surviving cancer takes endurance, and I've never had to do that. However, as women, we all endure. I've endured giving birth four times, and every time I said I'd never do it again. The fourth time I finally got it.
I've also endured a life-altering disease. While it isn't as life-threatening as some, adult-onset asthma changes you. You have to get through it and learn what's on the other side and how your life will react to the changes. But I think sometimes we endure by choice, and that's what I'd rather talk about.
I was a graphic designer for 20 years before I became a writer. Twelve of those years I owned my business, and I loved it. I designed everything from decorated glassware to ceramic tiles, brochures, ads and magazines. I had fun doing that, but I got burned out, figuratively and literally, when my office was gutted by fire. It became an endurance test to decide what to do next.
I had to continue doing what I was doing until I found a new career. You can't just toss in the towel unless you're independently wealthy. I tested a number of ideas, including writing a first-draft novel, and I knew I was going to be a novelist. After folding my business, I needed an income while I perfected my writing skills, and I took a job at less than a quarter of what I had earned as a designer. I knew writing would take concentration, because you don't just write a draft and get it published, unless you're a lot more brilliant than I am. During the next seven years I completed five more novels, two screenplays and several short stories.
There were many days when I wanted to quit the day job. The people were terrific, but for 12 years I'd been my own boss and now I was a secretary for 22 bank auditors, so I had 22 bosses. I endured, and finally published my first novel—not the first I'd written, but the fifth. I knew what I wanted and I chose to endure to get it.
Each Listener Gave Positive Feedback for 60 to 90 Seconds
Leigh: When you were telling your story, the word that came to me was “creative.” It was very creative to go into a job that was completely different from anything you were talented in and allow yourself to develop your writing craft.
We continued until all the listeners had given their feedback.
Then the Speaker Responded for 60 Seconds to the Listeners
Chris: Wow, you make me feel smart to do what I did. At the time I didn't know I was being smart or creative. I just felt this was what I needed to do. But I appreciate hearing it. It makes me feel lighter. Thank you.
As each woman took a turn, this opening exercise made it possible for relative strangers to communicate freely. One woman in the Fusion described the unexpected sense of community:
It's hard to convey how you feel when three or four women bombard you with all these positive strengths they observed in you. It was instantly empowering, a bright warmth that started inside, opening me to these women I hardly knew but who seemed to know me so well. The feeling of acceptance and community is indescribable.
When we all came back together, everyone was glowing and chattering with enthusiasm. One woman from each small group shared results, and amazingly you felt bonded to all the women there, women who an hour ago you'd never even met. It was unbelievably affirming, and it set the tone for the whole day. We shared our closest secrets with the absolute trust that we were being heard and understood, and it was okay, it was safe.
We spent the rest of the day together discussing the 10 Feminine Forces, their meanings, and how we use them. In Chapter 6, you read a portion of our free-flowing dialogue on integrity.
We made luxury an element of our Fusion. The hotel served a delicious lunch, plus champagne and strawberries with whipped cream. A gorgeous flower arrangement arrived from Maggie's husband Adrian, with the message: “Every woman is a force of nature, of spirit, of vitality. Thank you all for bringing each new day to light.”
The day whizzed by, finishing with each woman telling what she'd gained from the experience, and all of us surprised by the depth of our reactions. We all went home with a glow that lasted for days, some of us lighter from unloading our secrets, others brimming with ideas and excitement for future accomplishments. Most important, we all went home changed.
3 STORIES OF WOMEN FOREVER CHANGED
I knew that a powerful force was present that day. I felt a unique release of energy charging the air, and an emotional bond that was changing our relationships forever. The other women noticed it, too. Following are three examples of the amazing results you will have with Female Fusion. You'll also find each woman's Circle of Fusion that ignited that release of energy.
Leigh: This was a beautifully planned day that didn't go as planned. I don't believe any of us expected total strangers to open up as we did. Even those of us who knew each other were astonished to see different facets revealed. The amazing camaraderie came not from talking about work or recipes but from being women. I discovered that people I work with every day didn't know what I do outside my job. I devote a big part of my life to family and organizations that focus on women's advancement.
Usually, I'm reticent to talk about myself. I concentrate on the task at hand, do it and take on the next task. As I described my commitment to my marriage, I recognized how much strength I draw from that relationship. Then as I talked about my community involvement, and these women responded with awe, I realized how much I actually do and how important it is. I left that day with a better sense of myself than I've ever felt.
Maggie: I was hesitant, knowing I was one of the youngest women in the group. I wasn't sure I had any lessons to pass on or experiences worth sharing, or whether I was ready to open up around strangers. It was also the first time I had listened to myself speak out loud, and that alone had a substantial impact on me. I heard a voice that had been muted for so long.
My family has always carried a great deal of pain for my brother, who wasn't born with the same level of abilities that most of us have. People never realize what effect this has on a family. My mom is a strong, selfless and stoic woman who always put on her best face in spite of everything. We all did. And every day, that pain was like a lead weight I dragged around, even as I centered my life around my husband and beautiful daughter.
On that day of the Fusion, one of the things I came to realize was that I had lived a more intense life than most people my age. My beliefs are very strong and central to my character. There, among strangers, listening to women share their personal stories, my heart spoke. I was able to unload some of the emotional burden I had carried in silence for so long. These exceptional women immediately understood, and my heart opened. They helped me to liberate my soul and to better understand the spirit inside me. In the process, the emotional burden lifted and I felt a freedom to drive my life forward. From that point on, I decided not to live in sadness, but in grandness.
Evie: When I found myself in that room filled with such amazing women, women I respected, I knew I was there to listen and learn, but I had no idea I would leave so totally changed. During the Circle of Fusion exercise, when we all opened up to one another, these women responded to me by stating the qualities I secretly hoped they would see in me. Women I would like to model my life after saw me as one of them, and I felt instantly validated. In their eyes, I shared many of the strengths I admired in them. I remember leaving with a clearer sense of who I was and what I needed to do to get where I wanted to go.
I knew it was up to me to take the ball and run with it, so run with it I did. Although we have some amazing people at the company I work for, I started questioning why I was taking a backseat to these other professionals. I tended to go along, letting others make the decisions. Female Fusion gave me the backbone to be more vocal and openly express my opinions. That was a risky move, and I did rock a few boats.
Surprisingly, as I expressed my opinions more, people seemed to value them and me more. Since the Fusion I've received two significant pay increases, far beyond the average raise for my position, and I feel as if I can run with the top people in my company, my ideas equal to anyone's. That's a big shift for me. Personally, I feel like the luckiest person in the company.
I am truly living my dream, doing what I set out to do. During that day of Female Fusion I noticed that every woman present seemed to be living her dream, but at the same time striving for an even bigger dream. That's where I see myself now.
The process of collaborating, mentoring, masterminding ideas together and encouraging our individual passions and visions enabled each of us to better withstand elements that might otherwise erode our lives and careers. We received wisdom and protection at the same time that we provided wisdom and protection for one another. We are now stronger because of our alliance.
FEMALE FUSION IS A PROTECTIVE CAPROCK
Our Fusion reminded me of the hoodoos I saw while hiking through Utah's Bryce Canyon National Park. A hoodoo is a pinnacle or odd-shaped rock pillar left standing under a cementlike cover of protective caprock.
Hoodoos are often found clustered together, an echo of the ridge they once were, and their proximity as a group protects them all from the full intensity of the elements, guaranteeing a longer life span than those left standing alone. Like hoodoos, women engaged in Female Fusion enjoy the protective caprock of the entire group. They are stronger together than individually.
As a result, when you must stand alone, you are strengthened by your Fusion with other incredible women. You are at once challenged by and nurtured within the safety of Fusion. You are empowered to rely on your inner guidance and to creatively adapt the results of your Fusion to your own radically distinctive career and life. We are women, and singly, women can do anything; but we are more magnificent together.
Every woman in our Female Fusion gained a protective caprock, and left empowered to withstand the elements. We all wanted to hold the vision for as long as possible, knowing that we had been changed forever.
FUSION IS MORE THAN A WOMEN'S GROUP
I collaborate with women, brainstorm with women and work side-by-side with women daily, but Female Fusion is deeper. Fusion happens not only from brain to brain as we exchange ideas, or from flesh to flesh as we embrace, but from soul to soul.
In science, many situations exist where the sum of the parts attains different characteristics—and is stronger than—the parts themselves. For example, the metal alloy chrome-nickel steel, which results from combining chromium, nickel and iron, is far stronger than the sum of its individual elements, and is used in jet engines, where other metals would melt. Female Fusion is that type of synergy, but is deeper than what is commonly known as synergy in the business world.
Most of us have felt fusion with at least one other woman—our best friend, sister, mother, favorite aunt or grandmother. To feel fusion with several women at the same time is indescribable. To say you won't know what it's like until you've been there sounds like puffery, but trust me, it's true.
FUSION NEEDS HEAT
Just as you would not lay chromium, nickel and iron alongside one another and expect them to magically fuse, neither can you put several women in a room and expect Female Fusion to happen. Although it often occurs spontaneously, usually when friends share their deepest fears and wildest desires, a planned Fusion requires a coordinator and a dedicated measure of time.
Fusion needs both planned and spontaneous heat. Choose women you admire and trust, women who will pull together for everyone's purpose. Plan for a diversity of age, profession and talent. Choose women who are alike in some ways and different in others. The commonalities to look for are integrity and commitment. Female Fusion is not a “come and go as you please” event, especially if you are all progressing through the 5 Promises that accompany each chapter of Wicked Success Is Inside Every Woman. Every woman must commit to attending, participating fully and working through goals.
Expect to share stories of triumph and terror, brilliance and bafflement, honor and humiliation, as you bond and explore your passions. Just because we know one thing about a woman doesn't mean we know everything she is. You'll learn more about every woman in your group as the gathering heats up and you laugh and cry together. Expect to occasionally feel anger, and certainly to feel joy. At this deepest level, fusion happens.
You can keep your discussions purely intellectual and have an interesting conversation, but that's not Fusion. It's from a place of mutual soul-stripping heat that unbridled power and the potential of amazing reward can occur. In Fusion, you're going to strip bare and let it all hang out. It may not be pretty, but it's real. I've belonged to associations, networking groups and CEO organizations, but none of these come close to the off-the-chart phenomenal success that Female Fusion will accomplish for you.
Expect to have fun. Female Fusion isn't serious and solemn. At our all-day gathering we shared a fabulous meal, celebrated, received gifts of praise and encouragement, strategized and laughed a lot. We all walked out of that room feeling lighter and wiser and connected.
To heat up your first Female Fusion, use the sample invitation on the next page.