2 Coping with a difficult boss

Many people have a difficult or challenging relationship with their boss. It can be tempting to lay the blame for this type of situation at the boss’s feet due to his or her unreasonable, negative, awkward, or unhelpful behaviour. Whether blaming your boss is justified or not, the good news is that, as a significant party in the relationship, there is a great deal that you can do to end the bad boss nightmare.

Step one: Consider the impact on your own health and happiness

Rather than deal with the problem directly, many people are tempted to live with the difficulties of having a troublesome boss. Instead of addressing the problem, they brush it under the carpet by looking for ways of minimising the impact he or she has on their working lives. However, employing avoidance tactics or finding ways to offset the emotional damage can be time-consuming and stressful.

Focusing on your own wellbeing may encourage you to tackle the issue rationally and try to reach a sensible accommodation that will prevent you from jeopardising your health or feeling that you have to leave your job.

Step two: Understand your boss

When you come to look more closely at your relationship with your boss, the first thing to do is to realise how much of it is due to the structure of the organisation—for example, your boss necessarily has to give you tasks, some of which you may not enjoy—and how much is due to truly unreasonable behaviour.

Looking at the wider issues in the organisation may provide the key to the problem. ‘Difficult boss syndrome’ is rarely caused simply by a personality clash: more often than not, there are broader organisational factors that can go some way to explaining seemingly unreasonable behaviour.

However uncomfortable it may feel, try putting yourself in your boss’s shoes. Recognise the objectives that define his or her role and think through the pressures they are under.

Make a mental list of your boss’s strengths, preferred working style, idiosyncrasies, values, and beliefs. Observe his or her behaviour and reactions, and watch where he or she chooses to focus attention.

This will help you deepen your understanding. Very often, when we feel disliked or when we dislike someone, we avoid building this understanding and instead look for ways of avoiding the issues.

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If your boss is making work intolerable because of his or her moody and bad-tempered behaviour, try to work out how you could influence the situation for the better. Observe his or her behaviour to see if there is a pattern in it, and then try to broach this issue, letting your boss know how his or her mood swings affect you. Use assertive language and ask if there is anything you can do to alleviate the cause of the problem. If the behaviour persists, consult your human resources department to see if there are any formal procedures in place to deal with such a situation.

Step three: Compare the way you both perceive your role

As part of the process of understanding your boss, compare the perceptions you both have of your role and the criteria used to judge your success. You may feel that you’re performing well, but if you’re putting your energy into tasks that your boss does not feel are relevant, you will be seen as performing poorly.

Take the initiative to explore your boss’s expectations and agree on your objectives. This will clarify your role and give you a better idea of how to progress in the organisation.

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A lack of communication often contributes to workplace misunderstandings. If you feel like you’re missing out on opportunities or being denied information because you’re not one of your boss’s favourites, try approaching him or her with information about what you’re doing and talk about your methods and goals. If your boss persists in denying you the information you need, you may have a case of bullying against him or her.

Step four: Understand yourself

Having scrutinised your boss and developed a greater understanding of him or her, you should try doing the same exercise on yourself. Sometimes, a lack of self-knowledge leads to us being surprised by our reactions and the feedback we get. Ask for input from your colleagues while you’re doing this.

Ask your colleagues what they observe when you interact with your boss, how you come across to them, and how you could manage your communication differently. Although their perception may not represent the absolute truth about you, it nonetheless reflects the image you create.

Think through some of the past encounters you’ve had with your boss and reflect upon them objectively, perhaps with a friend or colleague who knows you well. Maybe this situation happens over and over again, which suggests that you harbour a value or belief that is being repeatedly compromised. If you can understand what this is, you can learn to manage these situations more effectively.

Consider changing some of your behaviour. This often prompts a reciprocal behavioural change in your boss. If you don’t change anything about the way you interact with your boss, the relationship will remain unaltered, so this is definitely worth a try.

For example, perhaps you value attention to detail, but your boss is a big-picture person. Every time you ask for more detailed information, you will be drawing attention to one of your boss’s vulnerabilities, and he or she is likely to become unco-operative or irritated by your request. Once you’ve observed your respective patterns, you can begin to work around them or accommodate them.

Step five: Remember that the relationship is mutual

In order to be effective, managers need a co-operative and productive team. But in order to be part of such a team, each member needs their manager to provide the resources and support they need to do their job properly. An unsupportive boss can be just as nightmarish as a vindictive one.

When managers neglect to give their employees the information and feedback they need, employees are forced to second-guess their boss’s requirements. This inevitably leads to misunderstandings on both sides. The knock-on effects of this are an atmosphere of distrust and ill-will, and mutual recriminations—not to mention the negative impact on the organisation’s productivity levels.

Ask for the information and resources you require, or find other ways to get these, as this will put you in control of the situation and protect you from the need to improvise.

Nightmare situations can arise when employees’ needs aren’t met. Some people become angry and resentful of the manager’s authority; some find ways of challenging decisions in order to assert their own power; and others develop agendas of their own that are neither helpful nor productive.

One-sided relationships are a recipe for revolution! It is rare in business to find relationships where there is absolutely no reciprocal power. Remember that if you’re no longer willing to spend time managing your difficult boss, you still have the ultimate power: you can just walk away.

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If your boss is making you feel miserable by constantly making negative and derisive comments about the way you do your work, you need to find a private moment when you can explain how this makes you feel and ask your boss to stop doing it. You could suggest that he or she gives you clear guidelines and constructive feedback that will help you to meet his or her expectations and develop your talents. Point out that constant nagging affects the way you work and that you would be much more effective if he or she took a positive interest in what you do. If the negativity continues, you may decide to lodge a complaint of discrimination against your boss. If you take this route, make sure you have a record of the incidents and a note of any witnesses present. Also seek further advice from your human resources department if your company has one.

Common mistakes

You take your boss’s behaviour personally

It is very tempting to take the behaviour of a difficult boss personally. However, it is very unlikely that you are the problem. It may be something you do, it may be the values you hold, or it may be that you remind your boss of someone he or she doesn’t get on with. The only person who loses out if you take it personally is you.

You don’t remain detached

Many difficult relationships deteriorate to the point where they are fraught with contempt and confrontation. This is never helpful in a work setting and only makes matters uncomfortable for everyone. If you find yourself being drawn into an angry exchange, try to remain emotionally detached and listen actively to what is being said to (or shouted at) you. It may provide you with clues about why the situation has developed and allow you to get straight to the point of concern. Ask for a private review afterwards to explore the incident when feelings aren’t running so high. You may find that this brings to the surface issues that are relatively easy to deal with and that will prevent further outbursts from occurring.

You never confront the issue

Because facing up to difficult people is not an easy thing to do, many people avoid biting the bullet. However, this will only prolong a miserable situation. Acquiescence enables bullying to thrive and allows the aggressors to hold power. Break the cycle by taking responsibility for your share of the problem and examining what it is you’re doing to provoke conflict between you and your boss. Doing nothing is not a viable option.

STEPS TO SUCCESS

Don’t neglect the problem—for the sake of your health, if nothing else.

Try to see both sides of the issue.

Ask for impartial help from colleagues if you feel too emotionally involved.

Identify and resolve areas of ambiguity in order to reduce the possibility of misunderstandings and dissatisfaction.

Don’t take it personally . . .

. . . but remember that you might need to change too.