CHAPTER 8
The Power of Giving Back

We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.

—Winston Churchill

In 2005, Lee had the opportunity to serve a nonprofit organization for one year. For as many years as I had known him, he had made it a habit to give to this organization in any way he could. Generally his contribution was in the form of financial donations and several commitments each year to volunteer at events. This new project, however, was something special and would be demanding. Accepting the offer would mean a great deal of travel, as well as reduced time with his family and a considerable loss of income, since his own public relations company would have to take a backseat to this volunteer project with the nonprofit. Yet he believed in the organization and wanted to invest his time and energy to help it achieve specific goals. Lee and his wife discussed the idea carefully and decided that he should accept the proposal. Lee’s wife would work harder to make up for his absence at home as much as possible, and later they would both try to make up for the loss of income and get their finances back on track. They would be apart quite a bit, and it would certainly be a big sacrifice from a financial perspective, but they both felt good about making the pledge and the agreement.

Lee began the project excitedly, but during the first few months away from home, he grew weary. The project’s demands were many. On one long, late plane ride home, he found himself questioning the wisdom of his decision. After several hours of mulling, he decided that his belief in the principle of service was most important. Ultimately he saw his work on the project as an opportunity to give back, and he knew that he was in a unique position to provide what was needed. He recommitted to the project in his heart and resolved not to question his decision again.

In the fourth month, Lee was in Seattle waiting for a delayed flight when he received a call from a business client that he had worked with for the last 10 years. The client wanted him to come in to discuss a major project that it hoped to start right away. Lee hardly knew how he could turn down the handsome financial offer he was sure would be involved. But he had made a commitment to the nonprofit, and he intended to stand by it, even if it would hurt his own company’s earnings. He explained to the client that he was already committed to another project, but he agreed, as a courtesy, to go in for a visit while he was home. His intention was to turn down the offer, but he would at least keep the door open for future work.

When Lee arrived at the client’s office and sat down to talk with the company vice president, the man quietly slid a check across the table to Lee. Looking at the dollar amount of the check, Lee smiled somewhat sadly and reminded the executive of the nonprofit project he was working on. “I really wish I could accept this,” he admitted, “and it is a generous offer, but I am completely committed for at least a year, maybe a little more. If your project will wait, I would love to do it, but I understand if you need to move forward without me.”

“We don’t mind if you’re busy,” replied the executive. “Fit the project in whenever you can. We’d rather have you busy than not have you at all.” Lee shook his head and said plainly that he wished he were able to accept the job, but he simply couldn’t. He pushed the check back across the desk. The vice president surprised him by shaking his head and refusing to take back the check. “Just keep the money. Cash the check.” The executive smiled and nodded as if everything were settled.

Lee was stumped. He felt that he couldn’t possibly do the work that was being offered while he was busy traveling. He didn’t wish to compromise his current commitment. On the other hand, he didn’t want to disappoint his business client. How could he possibly accept the money?

The conversation with the executive went back and forth for several minutes, with Lee suggesting that the company find someone else to do the job and the executive insisting that Lee keep the check and do some work whenever he had a little extra time—no pressure, no need to compromise his existing commitments. “Take all the time you need,” the executive repeated. Finally, Lee asked sincerely, “But what if I can’t do what you’re asking? What if it’s too overwhelming with what I am already doing?”

The man replied, “We’d rather have you take the money, and we trust that if it’s right, you’ll find a way. If you fail, just keep the money! We don’t want you to compromise what you are doing, but we’d rather give you the project than give it to someone else. The project is yours, whether or not you can do it now.” He stood up to walk out of the office with Lee.

Lee was now curious. “Why are you so insistent that I do the work?” he asked. The executive explained, “Six years ago we had a conversation in which you made a recommendation that would help move our company forward. This was your idea, Lee. We’ve been very slow to pick up on it, but we’re ready now. And since it was your idea, you are the only person we are interested in having do the work.” Lee’s memory returned slowly to the original conversation. He had forgotten about his suggestion long ago. As they walked out together, Lee looked at the check again. He noticed that the amount was exactly what he had given up so far by doing the volunteer work. He also realized that if he got the client’s assignment done, he would have yet another check coming at the end of the project, totaling much more than he would have made during a normal year.

Lee discussed the situation with his wife and with the director of the nonprofit. They all agreed that there was no conflict. Everyone was happy. All Lee would have to do for his client was to make phone calls between presentations and meetings for the nonprofit. With his wife’s and the nonprofit director’s encouragement and support, Lee agreed to take on the new work. He left on his flight the next day with a light heart.

His work for the nonprofit was far more successful than anyone had anticipated. His travels extended for many extra months—taking him as far as Alaska, Europe, and Australia—and involved more time than had originally been agreed upon. But during that time, Lee managed to complete the business project, and, as promised, a large commission check awaited him when he returned home late one night. His wife had put the check on his desk with a note that said, “Good work!” Under the check was a stack of thank-you cards from people he had met during his recent travels—heartfelt messages of appreciation and gratitude. But Lee felt that he was the most grateful. To him, it seemed astounding that life could work out with such balance and grace. He had heard a saying once: “You can’t out-give God.” To him it meant that whatever you give with an open heart will naturally come back to you—not because you expect it, but because you don’t.

The Power of Giving

One of the joys of experiencing prosperity is having the ability to give back—to take care of ourselves so well that we can afford to share with others abundantly. This giving can take many forms, from helping a friend in a time of need to making a donation to a beloved alma mater, contributing to health-care research, volunteering with the Scouts, or supporting a church or some other nonprofit organization. Giving raises our self-esteem and our sense of responsibility to ourselves and others. It is a fascinating aspect of the psychology of wealth that in giving to others, we often open the door wider for our own prosperity. Generosity also offers the opportunity to experience wealth of the greatest kind—a life of richness and fulfillment. The returns in terms of our personal growth from selfless giving cannot be overestimated. The more we give, the more we grow. As we progress, our capacity to receive and give back should do likewise—one feeds the other and generates the momentum needed to create a life of prosperity.

When we hear the term giving associated with money, we often think of charitable giving or philanthropy. To be sure, this is an essential type of financial altruism. It can exemplify acts of selfless generosity, since the giver usually expects and receives no material benefit in return. Among its many gifts to individuals and society, philanthropy has underwritten the education of millions and saved many more from disease and natural disasters. Yet generosity can encompass any type of giving: that of one’s time, talents, or money. It is the open heart and generous spirit with which we give that matters. With this spirit, we add both to the lives of others and to our own.

The truly wealthy give to others on a regular basis. Successful societies, nations, companies, and individuals understand the inherent benefits of generosity. Social and business leaders realize the value and significance of giving back in some form; this explains why they contribute to charities and other nonprofit organizations regularly.

Russell and Hetty

In many aspects of the psychology of wealth, we can sometimes learn much from observing people who have not adopted this psychology. In the late nineteenth century, Russell Sage amassed a fortune as a financier and railroad executive. Known for being extraordinarily tight with his money, he was convicted and fined for running a scheme that charged exorbitant interest for loans. In 1891, he was the victim of a failed assassination attempt. Afterward, his clerk, William Laidlaw, accused Sage of having used him as a human shield. The clerk was disabled for life, but Sage fought attempts to compensate him. His clerk won two lawsuits at trial; however, despite the judgments against the wealthy Sage, the clerk never received a cent and was forced to depend on others for his support. Sage left all his money to his second wife and would probably have turned over in his grave if he had known how his vast fortune was eventually spent. She used a major portion of Sage’s $70 million bequest for philanthropy, including funding the Russell Sage Foundation.

Hetty Green also left a legacy of vast wealth along with a portrait of miserly unhappiness. The first American woman to play a substantial role on Wall Street, she was also famous for her outlandish stinginess. “Green was that rarity: a woman who largely through her own efforts amassed a ton of money during the Gilded Age, a time when virtually everyone else getting rich—Rockefeller, Morgan, Carnegie—was a man. By nearly all accounts she was also a thoroughly unpleasant individual, greedy, petty and often downright nasty.”¹

Green was raised as a strict Quaker by a father who took the religion’s tenets of humility and self-denial to extremes, while disregarding its doctrine of charity. Hetty’s father praised her when she dressed in dirty rags, and she seemed to take pride in her austerity. As a staggeringly wealthy adult, she built a fortune but spent as little as possible, living with relatives to avoid having to pay rent and taxes. She wore old clothes and tried to resell the morning paper after she had read it. Clearly, the austerity programming that she received from her father was never modified!

When she heard that her Aunt Sylvia had willed $2 million to charity, Green challenged the will’s validity in court by producing an earlier document claiming that her aunt had left her entire estate to Green. The case was ultimately decided against Green with a ruling that the document had been forged. Sadly, Green did not properly care for her 14-year-old son when he dislocated his kneecap in a sledding accident. She considered the doctor’s fee too high, so she pretended to be a pauper in order to have him treated as a charity patient. When she was recognized at the free clinic, she left in a huff and tried to treat him herself. Her delay later cost him his leg.

Green’s extreme attachment to her money ruined not only her reputation, but her life. She took no pleasure in her fortune. She left her genial husband because he had made bad investments. She trusted no one and lived in constant fear of assassination by relatives who would inherit when she died. Today, Hetty Green might be considered mentally ill and an obsessive-compulsive hoarder. (In her day, the rich were considered eccentric when others were called mad.) Nonetheless, she remains a classic example of the principle that when we do not give to others—or to ourselves—life becomes a wasted treasure.

It offends our sense of justice that Scrooges like Sage and Green can create financial abundance. It seems contrary to our instincts and to nature itself when people with tremendous financial resources are stingy or miserly. But, of course, it happens frequently. Generosity of spirit is not required in order to make a lot of money. But do these folks possess true wealth? Not likely. Are they respected and treasured, with a loving and supportive circle of friends, family, and associates? Without those resources, their stories become classic tales of having all the money in the world and no sense of joy—and no true prosperity. This is the shadow side of wealth. Living in fear and insecurity or with anger and resentment, these individuals become so absorbed with holding on to what they have that they miss out on the real riches of life.

No one can become rich without enriching others. Anyone who adds to prosperity must prosper in turn.

—G. Alexander Orndorff

The Virtuous Circle

Our instincts also tell us that generosity is necessary to create a good life—one with balance, happiness, and a satisfying level of financial prosperity. Giving is both personally fulfilling and wealth-enhancing. It encourages the fullest possible flow of life and prosperity. A full container can hold more only when some of its volume is released.

The adage, “As you give, so shall you receive,” defines a fundamental aspect of the psychology of wealth. The ways in which we give to others will come back to us many times over, and often in kind. If we give more love, more love will flow into our lives. If we give more freely of our finances, more financial opportunities may open for us. In short, when we give to others, we will feel the abundance in our own lives. This feeling enhances our sense of self-worth and, with it, our ability to reach our goals.

Taking on challenging tasks is a powerful way to build self-esteem. So is producing something that requires creativity or is nurturing to others. This nurturance is where giving comes in. When we help others solve a problem or improve their situation, we increase our own self-worth and expand the circle of prosperity. We create a virtuous circle in which everyone in our community, local and global, is uplifted.

Recently, when a friend of mine was in a doctor’s waiting room, she overheard a conversation between the officer manager and a family regarding a bill that the family’s insurance company had refused to pay. The mother of the family obviously needed care, but the manager told her that the $200 bill must be paid before she could receive additional services from the doctor. The discussion was calm, but the family was clearly strained by the news. With an air of resignation and a promise to return with their checkbook, the family started to leave the office. My friend’s heart opened, and she wondered whether she should help. She could afford it. As she reached for her purse, another woman in the waiting room stood up and walked outside with the family.

Several minutes later, the family and the woman returned together. The woman walked to the desk, pulled out two $100 bills, and paid the amount owed. The office manager smiled brilliantly in acknowledgment. The family was obviously touched and grateful, and the mother asked how they could express their thanks. The woman who had given so freely said that no thanks were needed and that no repayment would be accepted. She asked only that they help someone else when they themselves saw a need. “The room was filled with a visceral energy of joy—as if the heavens had opened and bestowed gifts on everyone in that room. It was tangible,” my friend told me of the experience. “Everyone smiled and seemed more relaxed. Love filled the room, and we all felt it.”

Herr Rosenau

When we make an effort to serve others in some manner, we often discover that success in some form is never far behind. Giving and service do not require wealth, but they do engender wealth of all kinds. In 1917, Alex Lurye, a Jewish American soldier from Duluth, Minnesota, found himself in a small German town called Seldes. It was a Friday night in 1917, near the end of World War I. Feeling lonely and out of place, he decided to see what the local Jewish population was like, and he entered the village synagogue. The Americans and the Germans had fought bitterly, and Lurye felt awkward standing among people who were nominally his enemies. He was soon greeted by a man named Herr Rosenau, who quickly made him feel at home. After the services, Herr Rosenau invited the serviceman to his house for the traditional Friday night meal. The beauty of a Sabbath dinner, together with the warmth and kindness of this German family, made a deep impression on the young man. Herr Rosenau and his family made Alex Lurye feel that he was not alone, and certainly not an enemy, although he was so far from home.

Lurye was not able to visit this good-hearted family again before the end of the war. When he finally returned to Duluth, he wrote a letter of thanks to Herr Rosenau, who had touched his life with such kindness. For reasons unknown, Herr Rosenau didn’t answer the letter. Instead, he placed it in a desk drawer, where it rested for the next 21 years.

The habit of giving only enhances the desire to give.

—Walt Whitman

In the meantime, the Rosenaus’ daughter had grown up and married a man named Eugen Wienberg. By 1938, the couple had three children. It was a bad time for German Jews. Now a grandfather, Herr Rosenau was disturbed by the dark future he saw for his family and his fellow Jews in Germany. One day, his 11-year-old grandson, Sigbert, was rummaging through Herr Rosenau’s desk looking for something of interest, and a foreign postage stamp caught his eye. He pulled out the envelope with the American stamp. “Grandfather, may I have this?” he asked. With his grandfather’s assent, the boy took the envelope home to his mother, who eyed it with curiosity. When she read the long-forgotten thank-you letter from the American serviceman, she had an idea. She and her husband had been looking for a way to leave an increasingly dangerous Germany. On a long shot, she decided to write Alex Lurye and ask if he would sponsor her family for possible immigration to America. One major obstacle was already evident: the envelope had no return address. She wrote her letter addressed simply to “Alex Lurye, Duluth, Minnesota.”

In the two decades while Herr Rosenau’s family had been growing up, Alex Lurye had become a wealthy businessman and was well known in the sizable city of Duluth. And so the postmaster easily found him and delivered the letter. Lurye replied immediately, pledging to help bring the Wienberg family to Minnesota. He kept his promise. The entire Wienberg family arrived in the United States in May of 1938. The Rosenaus followed soon after. In Duluth, the Wienbergs had to work hard to gain a foothold in their new country, sometimes taking two jobs each just to make it through the week. Despite the hard work, they were grateful to have escaped Germany and the destruction that soon befell German Jewry. Because of Herr Rosenau’s simple act of kindness, with no thought of personal gain, their lives had been saved. In America, his family thrived and grew, as children, grandchildren, and now great-grandchildren came along. One man’s generosity to a stranger had been repaid many times over with an infinitely precious gift.²

Getting the Flow Going

As a psychotherapist and an executive trainer, I’ve observed that for many people, the challenge is not finding ways to give but feeling comfortable with receiving. Most of us want to help others and believe in the value of providing a helping hand. Indeed, many people find it easier to give than to receive. However, if you are hesitant to receive from others, you impede the flow of abundance just as much as you do if you are hesitant to give. We can acquire only the level of prosperity that we are open and willing to receive. Both giving and receiving are an important part of a balanced and prosperous life.

Sometimes people hesitate to give because they are afraid that later they will not have enough. This feeling, however factually based it may seem, can be a self-fulfilling prophecy and is certainly self-defeating. We can regard money as a form of energy—energy that flows through our society, our economy, and our individual lives. We receive money in exchange for something that we give, usually our work, services, or ideas, and we give it in kind. In itself, money is neutral. As a form of energy, it is never truly lost.

The psychology of wealth requires trusting that, no matter what happens, we will have enough.

The psychology of wealth requires trusting that, no matter what happens, we will have enough. My friend Deidra recalls the time she learned this lesson in a powerful way. Deidra had a new teaching position in Cincinnati, Ohio. One day, after feeding coins into the machines at a Laundromat to wash her clothes, she was down to her last five dollars until her next paycheck. While she stood folding her laundry, a young man approached her selling raffle tickets for a charity called “The Neediest Kids of All.” Just the name brought tears to her eyes. But the tickets cost five dollars. Deidra stood for a moment, considering. She had enough food and gas to get by, so she figured she’d be okay. She bought the last ticket the fellow had.

When she received a call saying that she had won the raffle, she didn’t even know what the prize was. She hadn’t asked! She had recently confessed to her students that she would love to go on a hot-air balloon ride, but it was beyond her budget. She had imagined how exciting it would be to float above the Ohio River, watching the brilliant colors of the autumn leaves. She had even called around in hopes of finding an affordable deal, but the fees had all exceeded her means. Sure enough, the prize she won that day was a hot-air balloon ride over the river, complete with press coverage, champagne, and a souvenir photo. Soon thereafter she was sailing over the fall terrain on a bright sunny day—and it was even better than she had imagined. The cost of that experience? One open heart, a willingness to give to others, and her last five-dollar bill. Deidra trusted that she would be okay and would have enough. With a healthy sense of self-esteem, she also trusted in her ability to create prosperity for herself.

Investing in Ourselves and Others

I often think of the biblical story in which a servant buries money given to him by his master so that he will be sure not to lose any. In contrast, his two fellow servants invest their money and thereby increase it. When the master discovers how the three men have used their bounty, he fires the fearful servant and gives the buried money to the other two. The moral of the story is that we lose what we don’t use fruitfully. In today’s economy, burying money is perhaps the equivalent of keeping money in a shoe-box under the bed or even piling it up in a low-interest “savings” account—in essence, burying your money for fear of losing it or not having enough when you may need it.

Giving to others requires trusting that the flow will return to us. If we are too afraid to use what we have, but instead bury it without investing in others—or, for that matter, in ourselves—we may well find ourselves in the position of the first servant. If we feel we do not have enough to give to others, we may indeed find ourselves having to go without. This does not mean that we should not save, but saving wisely and preparing for the future can mean trusting life enough to share and invest wisely.

If the inflow of prosperity is not balanced with an outflow of giving, the result will be stagnation. Any effort to hoard money cut off the dynamic flow of life.

As We Give

A dear friend of mine has had the pleasure and privilege of working closely with Donald Trump. She describes him as exuding a genuine love for life and, most strikingly, for people. He is a warm and passionate man who acknowledges the good around him. She recently met up with him in a limousine as they headed from the airport on their way to a speaking engagement that she had arranged. As they rode together, they discussed the talk that he was preparing to give to tens of thousands of people. Just outside the airport, they spotted a small group of young people who were waving and yelling, trying to get his attention. Trump asked his driver to stop so that he could meet them.

My friend expected him to open the window and wave. Instead, he got out of the car and spent several minutes signing autographs and sharing words of advice and encouragement, urging the kids to persist and to keep going for their goals. It was a touching moment for my friend. She already knew that Trump was generous with financial giving, but in this small but heartfelt gesture, she saw a man who genuinely appreciates what he has and is generous with something that is precious to all of us—time. A life of prosperity shows in the ways we give back, sometimes on a moment-by-moment basis.

Small Changes

Whether or not we are aware of it, when we give to others, that giving helps us move forward in life. Giving is a way to eliminate stagnation and stalled progress in your life, no matter what the cause of that stagnation. If your life is not flowing well and your circumstances are not what you desire, that is a perfect time to discover how you can give more to others. Doing so can renew your energy, inspiration, and motivation. Giving to others is a surefire way to know that you are making a difference and having a positive effect. Even if, at first, your giving is primarily intended to get your own life going, eventually it will become self-perpetuating. You’ll find that you’re giving to others simply because it feels good. You’ll begin to give with no thought of reward. The funny thing is, the reward will never be far behind. What we give always comes back.

A common cause of stagnation, financial and otherwise, is a sense of entitlement. An attitude that life or others should provide for us can keep us stuck and is usually accompanied by a lack of gratitude for, and joy in, what we receive. The money may still come in, but the ability to truly enjoy and share the wealth will be diminished. Simple humility and respect for the value, intelligence, and potential of others is the antithesis of entitlement and opens the flow of abundance.

You can give to everyone you encounter, in ways both large and small, starting with a heartfelt compliment or a generous act of kindness. Begin with more smiles or more courtesy and care for others. To build your self-confidence and the ability to create abundance, move out of your comfort zone. Experiment with giving in a way that requires you to step up. Even a small change can make a big difference. And however you give, always know that it will increase your sense of prosperity and wealth because giving is inherently enriching. Because we are all connected, giving in any way is ultimately also a gift to oneself.

Increasing Self-Esteem by Fulfilling a Trust

Generosity should not mean being carefree with what we have, but rather being willing to support and empower others—and to give in ways that are constructive and that support the recipient’s self-esteem. Ideally, this means giving others a hand up, not just a handout. Although there is a time for each of these types of giving, perhaps the best gift we can give others is to help them become more capable and independent. If our gifts are given in the spirit of helping others take a step forward in life, it opens the door to greater abundance for all concerned.

Perhaps the best gift we can give others is to help them become more capable and independent.

Giving freely and receiving with gratitude enrich our lives. Life improves exponentially when we understand that the more we give, the more we will receive. I have observed that the universe gives back whatever we give many times over, especially when we give with an open heart and no strings attached. We become prosperous through our generosity. A gift that is given unconditionally, with gratitude, empowers both the giver and the receiver. It mutually enhances self-worth and conveys a sense of trust to the person who receives it. To give to another unconditionally says that the recipient is valued, respected, and worthy of the gift. It’s an acknowledgment of the other’s being and the significance of that person’s life or cause.

Genuine wealth has a sense of service at its core. As prosperity increases, a balanced life calls for one’s service to also increase. In other words, to stay in harmony and balance, the greater the inflow, the greater the outflow must be.

Genuine wealth has a sense of service at its core. As prosperity increases, a balanced life calls for one’s service to also increase.

As a youth, I certainly had little or no understanding of the principle that giving brings true prosperity. As far as I was concerned, the purpose of the money I earned was to serve my own needs. I was not a selfish person by nature, but an understanding of the benefits of giving had never been a focus in my life. It was years before I realized that achieving financial wealth is a hollow success unless it’s a shared success. For me, there was no specific turning point for this realization. It emerged slowly through years of personal seasoning and observation. I came to understand that to give freely and with gratitude is also giving to oneself—for gifts cannot help but return to the giver.