SHOWS A PATTERN

IT ISN’T A SINGLE PROBLEM. It’s that I keep having to talk with people about the same problem. I feel like I have to choose between being a nag and putting up with the problem. Now what?”

The Danger Point

Some crucial conversations go poorly because you’re having the wrong conversations. You talk to someone who is late for a meeting for the second time. Then the third. Your blood begins to boil. Then you bite your lip and give another gentle reminder. Finally, after your resentment builds up (because you’re telling yourself an ugly story), you become violent. You make a sarcastic or cutting comment and then end up looking stupid because the reaction seems way out of line given the minor offense.

If you continue to return to the original problem (coming in late) without talking about the new problem (failing to live up to commitments), you’re stuck in “Groundhog Day.” We talk about this problem using the Groundhog Day movie metaphor. If you return to the same initial problem, you’re like Bill Murray in the movie—you’re forced to relive the same situation over and over rather than deal with the bigger problem. Nothing ever gets resolved.

The Solution

Learn to Look for patterns. Don’t focus exclusively on a single event. Watch for behavior over time. Then STATE Your Path by talking about the pattern. For example, if a person is late for meetings and agrees to do better, the next conversation should not be about tardiness. It should be about his or her failure to keep a commitment. This is a bigger issue. It’s now about trust and respect.

People often become far more emotional than the issue they’re discussing warrants because they’re talking about the wrong issue. If you’re really bothered because of a pattern, but you’re talking about this latest instance, your emotions will seem out of proportion. In contrast, an interesting thing happens when you hold the right conversation. Your emotions calm down. When you talk about what’s really eating you—the pattern—you’ll be able to be more composed and effective.

Don’t get pulled into any one instance or your concern will seem trivial. Talk about the overall pattern.