DEALING WITH SOMEONE WHO BREAKS ALL THE RULES

WHAT IF THE PERSON you’re dealing with violates all of the dialogue principles most of the time—especially during crucial conversations?”

The Danger Point

When you look at a continuum of dialogue skills, most of us (by definition) fall in the middle. Sometimes we’re on and sometimes we’re off. Some of us are good at avoiding Sucker’s Choices; others are good at making it safe. Of course, you have the extremes as well. You have people who are veritable conversational geniuses. And now you’re saying that you work with (maybe live with) someone who is the complete opposite. He or she rarely uses any skills. What’s a person to do?

The danger, of course, is that the other person isn’t as bad as you think—you bring out the worst in him or her—or that he or she really is that bad, and you try to address all the problems at once.

The Solution

Let’s assume this person is pretty bad all of the time and with most everyone. Where do you start? Let’s apply a metaphor here. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Choose your targets very carefully. Consider two dimensions: (1) What bothers you the most? “He or she is constantly assuming the worst and telling horrible stories.” (2) What might be the easiest to work on? “He or she rarely shows any appreciation.”

Look for those areas that are most grievous to you and might not be all that hard to talk about. Pick one element and work on it. Establish Mutual Purpose. Frame the conversation in a way that the other person will care about.

“I love it when we’re feeling friendly toward each other. I’d like to have that feeling more frequently between us. There are a couple of things I’d like to talk about that I’m pretty convinced would help us with that. Can we talk?”

STATE the issue, and then work on that one issue. Don’t nag; don’t take on everything at once. Deal with one element, one day at a time.