As valuable as friendship is, it may be one of the more overlooked areas of our lives. It is the one aspect of ourselves that we all need, but which we may take for granted. More often than not, it is a friend who helps you to get your life back into perspective when it's out of balance with the rest of the world.
One of the wonderful aspects of friendship is that unlike your family, you can pick your own friends. Face it—many of us have terrific families with close, satisfying relationships. But not everyone is that fortunate. Some people look around their family tree and say, “Tell me again how I ended up with these folks.” Unlike family ties, a strong friendship allows you to be yourself, warts and all, without any thought of how you may be judged or viewed. Whether it's music, sports, education, or anything else, you can choose the friends with whom you share common interests.
Note
According to RealAge.com, a long-term relationship can reduce a person's “Real-Age” by as much as six and a half years (www.entertainmates.com, July 27, 2003).
Why do we need friends, you may be asking? According to Jan Yager, friendship expert and author of Friendshifts (1999) and the best-selling When Friendship Hurts (1999), friends are essential for our emotional well-being. Friends reduce the stress in our lives just by being there to talk and to get through life's unexpected curve balls. Researchers say that friends extend our lives as well as improve the quality of our lives. Friends will:
Make you laugh at yourself.
Make you feel loved when you've got a broken heart.
Commiserate with you when you've had your 400th argument with your parents.
Be honest enough to tell you what you were really like at that party the night before.
Get out of bed at 3 a.m. to rescue you from a “situation.”
Give you the courage to go back to college, ask for a raise, move cross country, or break up with that jerk who you knew was no good for you in the first place.
Tell you what you really look like in those pants.
Friendship, like all the things we treasure in our lives, requires some cultivation to keep it going strong. Throughout the course of this book, we encourage all of our readers to get your ideas and thoughts out of your head and into the light of day. Put them down on paper where you can take a good hard look and mull them over carefully. You may have to take a leap of faith and simply trust us when we tell you that everything looks different in black and white. We have a hunch that you will discover there is more going on in your friendships that feels right than feels wrong. It only takes one “thorn” to make you uncomfortable. If there is a thorn sticking in your side, there are constructive ways to change that.
What is the best part of your friendships? What aspects of your friendships do you value and consider assets?
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From time to time, there are aspects of our friendships that feel uncomfortable or troubling. The balance feels off. Consider the question that follows:
What aspects of your friendships would you like to change? What are the concerns that have been wearing you down?
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In each and every chapter we talk about thinking styles—fuzzy versus clear. We believe that it bears repeating because the best way to lose your way is have no clue where you're going in the first place. If you're wondering how that applies to your friendships, consider this: Suppose you make the sweeping statement, “I feel like I'm in a rut with my friends.” How does that statement inform you as to what you should do about it? The truth is that the statement mirrors how you feel, but provides no direction in which to solve your concern. For any change to occur in your life, you need to know where to begin, take small steps, and be able to recognize the signs that indicate you are on your way.
Instead of Fuzzy Thinking | Think Clearly |
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I need more friends. → | I will ask someone I feel comfortable with to join me for coffee. |
I've got to get back in touch with my friends, but my life is so hectic. → | This week I will send out a brief note or email to two friends that I haven't spoken to in a while. |
Have you ever found yourself in a large group of people and you didn't know a soul? You feel self-conscious, as if you've just realized that you're wearing your underwear over your clothes. Everybody's mingling, laughing, and swapping great stories about their successful lives. And there you are, well, just standing there.
Breaking the ice to make conversation with people you don't know feels awkward because you have to climb out from your comfortable place and extend yourself. What if they don't like you or don't find you interesting? What if you have a big piece of spinach stuck in your teeth? After all, you don't know anyone, what can you possibly say or have in common?
Even though breaking the ice may initially feel uncomfortable, the potential rewards are worth the effort. The biggest reward is friendship. New friends are everywhere if you open yourself up to the possibilities.
Let's get back to you at the cocktail party. You want to approach the other guests to start a conversation, but aren't sure how to get started. Conversation expert, Chris Widener, makes the following suggestions: Get people to talk about themselves by asking questions. Listen for what you may have in common and go after those connections.
Except for the rare exception, most people like to talk about themselves. After all, it is the subject they know best. The more you get people to talk about themselves, the more likely it is that they will remember you not only as a great listener, but as an interesting person. When it's time to move on, simply say, “It's been nice talking with you. Enjoy the rest of the evening.” If it's a business function or if you've made a professional connection you might want to pass your business card along. If you feel as if this is someone you could meet for coffee, play golf with, or visit, then by all means, exchange phone numbers.
If you are interested in making friendships or improving the quality of your friendships, then it's time to make a plan.
Instead of Saying | Say |
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I want to meet interesting people. → | I am going to join a community the-ater group. |
I'm tired of just hanging out every weekend. → | I am going to talk with my friends about putting some short weekend trips on our calendar. |
This is the right time to consider what you need in your friendships. This isn't the right time to jot down all the things that irk you about your friends.
What are your goals for your friendships? (Remember to be specific and measurable.) What concerns would you like to resolve?
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Don't fly over this next section. Imagine for a moment that you have accomplished everything on your friendship list. Now answer this question:
What will your life be like when these concerns no longer affect your friendships? What will you be doing? What will you be enjoying that are not enjoying at this moment?
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Finally, take another moment and consider this next question about looking for small signs. The signs you notice along the way will encourage and motivate you to keep on your path to change.
What will be the smallest signs that you are moving in the right direction and away from those aspects of your friendships that have frustrated or disappointed you? Remember—think small.
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We cannot emphasize enough the importance of thinking small. Small is doable and more likely to succeed.
Think Big | Just Right |
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I'm going to be a better friend. → | I'm going to invite a few friends over for pizza and a movie this weekend. |
I'm going to be more outgoing at parties. | I will introduce myself to two people. |
Like anything else, friendships can fall into a rut. Every weekend it's the same old same old. Maybe you have old friends you've been meaning to contact, but never get around to it. Then again, maybe you would like to break out of your mold and make new friends. Here's a few quick suggestions:
Step outside your box and do something completely different—join a theater group, wine tasting group, karate studio, cycling club, or reading group. The list of possibilities are endless, but the point is to just “do it.”
Buy season tickets to the ballet, opera, or the theater. If cultural events don't excite you then look into something that does. Maybe it's basketball, ice-skating, or even wrestling. Take a different friend every time or bring a business associate.
Get a group of friends together and have a cooking party. Invite one of the local chefs to your home and have him or her give the group a lesson.
Invite a dance instructor to your home to give you and your friends a few dance lessons.
Sit down with your friends and put some fun weekends on the calendar.
For something completely different, look into something bigger like going on a sailing or fishing trip, or even space camp.
Start a readers group with your friends.
Pick an important cause in your community and organize a few of your friends to do something about it.
Join the local gym or YMCA with your friends and go together.
Start a basketball, tennis, soccer, volleyball, or softball league.
Take an art, photography, or sculpting class with a group of friends.
What relationship issues keep repeating over and over in your friendships?
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What is your typical way of handling these concerns?
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How would my friends say I usually handle these concerns?
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Take some time and think about your friendship goals. Once again, keep in mind that to get where you want to go, you first need to know where you are going.
Write down your top five goals toward having more satisfying friendships.
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Now ask yourself this question:
On a scale ranging from 1 to 10, with 1 being “the worst” and 10 being “great,” how well would you say you are taking care of your friendships right now?
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How have you managed to keep strong friendships so far? What is working for you?
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What could you do to bring your score up half a notch, say to 9½? If you gave yourself a 10, what can you continue to do to keep your score at a 10?
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If you notice that your scores are on the low end, then ask yourself this question:
What kinds of things have you been doing to keep your score at a two or five? Think about it—you didn't give yourself a zero so you must be doing a few things correctly. What have you managed to do right?
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If you're coming to the conclusion that with scores this low you'll end up without a friend in the world, you're wrong. If you didn't write down a zero, maybe it's because you have realized that there are a few redeeming signs about your friendships.
What's that, you say? You can't find anything to say about any of your friendships? Then think smaller.
What is one more small thing you can do in your friendships to bring your score up a point?
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What will you do to ensure that you keep doing that one small thing?
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How will your life be different when you manage to get your score up a few points?
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What will you be doing that you are not doing now?
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Who will be the most surprised about these positive changes?
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When you look around at the quality of your friendships, you must also ask yourself how true blue are you? Are you a desirable friend? Maintaining the balance in friendship is a two-way street. You have to give to receive. Is it possible that your friendships feel off because you've been taking them for granted or not doing your share? Ask yourself these questions:
When a friend calls, do you call them back in a reasonable amount of time?
When a friend's in trouble, do you go to his or her aid?
Do you talk about your friends to other people?
Do you begrudge friends their success?
Can you keep a promise? How about a secret?
When your friend is in trouble, does he or she come to you for advice?
When a friend is upset with you can you talk about it?
If you were in a bind, would you turn to a friend like you for assistance?
Are you critical when a friend takes a risk or tries something new?
How often do you get into arguments with your friends?
As our culture changes and grows, friendship will become more important in our lives. Fifty years ago, people tended to stay in the area where they were raised. Not so today. Today families are spread out not only across the country but all around the world. Although you cannot replace family members, friendships are filling those voids and becoming more and more important.
You can walk the tightrope of life alone, but it sure is a lot more fun with friends at your side. Like you, your friends face daily struggles and setbacks. Like you, they will experience both success and loss. Keeping your toes firmly upon the tightrope means being the best friend you can be.