1

To Resolve a Conflict, First Decide: Is It Hot or Cold?

By Mark Gerzon

As a leader, you’re going to face conflict. It comes with the territory. But before you try to deal with a conflict, you first need to stop and ask yourself the following question:

Is it hot or cold?

To help you answer this vital question, consider these two definitions:

Hot conflict is when one or more parties are highly emotional and doing one or more of the following: speaking loudly or shouting; being physically aggressive, wild, or threatening; using language that is incendiary; appearing out of control and potentially explosive.

Cold conflict is when one or more parties seem to be suppressing emotions or are appearing “unemotional” and are doing one or more of the following: muttering under their breath or pursing their lips; being physically withdrawn or controlled; turning away or otherwise deflecting contact; remaining silent or speaking in a tone that is passively aggressive; appearing shut down or somehow frozen.

Neither of these types of conflict is constructive. Conflicts that are warm—that is, already open for discussion but not inflamed with intense hostility—are far more likely to be productive. So if you’re dealing with cold conflict, you need skills to “warm it up.” If you’re dealing with hot conflict, you need skills to “cool it down.”

Conflict resolution, like cooking, works best at the optimal temperature. If too hot, your conflict may explode, burning your deal or causing your relationship to flame out in anger or overt hostility. Too cold, and your deal may be frozen, not moving forward at all, or the relationship may become icy with unexpressed emotions and withheld concerns. As a leader, you want to bring conflict into a temperature zone where it can become useful and productive.

In the 20 years that I’ve been dealing with conflict professionally, I’ve operated in both hot and cold settings. In my work with companies, educational institutions, and faith-based organizations in the United States, I have generally found cold conflict. However, in my work with politicians both in the United States and in conflict zones around the world as a United Nations mediator, I have often dealt with hot conflict. And I’ve learned firsthand that understanding this hot/cold distinction is a crucial first step before you start trying to act like a mediator in any organization. Once you’ve made a definitive hot/cold diagnosis, you’ll need to understand what some of the dynamics behind each situation might be.

If the conflict is hot. You don’t want to bring participants in a hot conflict together in the same room without setting ground rules that are strong enough to contain the potentially explosive energy. For example, if you are dealing with a conflict between two board members who have already attacked each other verbally, you would set clear ground rules—and obtain agreement to them—at the outset of your board meeting before anyone has a chance to speak.

Try this approach: Have everyone sit in a circle, and then ask each person to speak in turn with strict limits (three minutes each, for example). Pick a question for everyone to answer that requires each person to speak about themselves and their own feelings. For example, when I worked with members of the US House of Representatives, the question that opened the retreats I designed was, “How does the way the House deals with its differences affect you and your family personally?” The result of this sort of question-and-answer session would be an opening round of conversation that avoided personal attacks, allowed everyone to speak, and ideally deepened trust before people entered more-difficult territory.

If the conflict is cold. In a cold conflict situation, you can usually go ahead and bring the participants or stakeholders in the conflict together and engage them in constructive communication. That dialogue, if properly facilitated, should “warm up” the conflict enough so that it can begin to thaw out and start the process of transformation. But you will still need to be vigilant and prepared. Conflict is often cold precisely because so much feeling is being repressed. So you’ll need to know how to warm things up without the temperature unexpectedly skyrocketing.

To do this, use debate and dialogue. If a group is avoiding tackling a tough issue, frame the differences as a debate. Then form two (or, if necessary, more) teams, and hold an actual debate. This will accentuate the differences and inspire the group to recognize the conflict that is under the surface.

For both hot and cold conflict. Whether the conflict is hot or cold, the goal is not compromise but rather bridging the divide and innovating new options or solutions. Bridging means creating stronger ties and deeper trust between the former antagonists. Innovating—which is distinct from compromising—means that some new resolution or possibility has emerged.

Conflict resolution isn’t something you learn overnight. It takes time, practice, and reflection. If you find yourself in the middle of a conflict and you haven’t yet developed the skills to address it, consider bringing in a third party or a professional mediator to help. With that said, if you’re reading this in the middle of an intense, immediate conflict that requires urgent action, keep the following advice in mind:

• Make time your ally. Don’t rush to act. Unless you’re in danger, take stock of your options. Otherwise you might say or do something you regret.
• Determine your goal, and focus on it. Don’t get distracted; stick to what matters.
• Avoid name-calling and finger-pointing. Focus on the problem, not the people.
• Beware of self-righteousness. Keep an open mind; you may find that you can learn something of value.
• Listen to everything, but respond selectively. You don’t have to address every point—just the ones that make a difference.
• Take stock before you take sides. Don’t speak—or take any other action—until you’ve really heard the other person out. Don’t leap to conclusions before you have a firm grasp of the situation at hand.
• Consider calling in a third party. Someone who is not involved in the conflict may be able to provide vital perspective for both parties.
• Allow your adversary to know you. Letting down your guard and letting the other person in may help them understand your point of view.
• Check the temperature gauge. If the conflict is still too hot, don’t try to resolve it right away. Agree to come back when things have cooled.
• Observe the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Be polite. Be compassionate. It may inspire your adversary to do the same.

Keep in mind that showing your ability to navigate conflict is one of the primary ways that you reveal your character as a leader. The best time to learn is when conflict is neither too hot nor too cold. By learning to control the temperature, you make it much more likely that you’ll be well positioned to deal creatively with the next conflict that’s inevitably coming your way.

MARK GERZON is the author of Leading Through Conflict: How Successful Leaders Transform Differences into Opportunities (Harvard Business School Press, 2006) and the president of the Mediators Foundation.

Reprinted from hbr.org, originally published
June 26, 2014 (product #H00VQZ).