Chapter 6

Fillers and Spillers

There is no such thing as a “self-made” man. We are made up of thousands of others. Everyone who has ever done a kind deed for us, or spoken one word of encouragement to us, has entered into the make-up of our character and of our thoughts, as well as our success.

George Matthew Adams

If the employees provide the competitive advantage for some companies to be leaders, they are also the source of competitive disadvantage for average or substandard companies … employees create just as many problems as they solve.

E. L. Kersten

“Are you kidding me? Do you realize how at-risk you just put us? Why in the hell would you tell that to our client? How much money we make is none of their business, and you just gave them all sorts of leverage that they will now use against us. You can’t trust clients with information like that—believe me, they will take advantage of you every time. You’ve been here too long to keep making such rookie moves.”

If I were a cartoonist, I would draw little puffs of smoke steaming out of Susan’s ears. I’d draw thin, tightly pursed lips stretched into a frown. I’d draw bifocals perched at the end of Susan’s nose, with her casting down her eyes at me like a prudish librarian. I’d then draw a bubble over her head with the words that she wasn’t saying but was clearly thinking: “You dumb-ass.”

I hated moments like this with Susan, and I had experienced too many of them in the three years I worked for her. The punishment, in the form of her verbal spankings, never seemed to fit the crime. Sure, as an inexperienced manager I lacked savvy when dealing with customers, but I wasn’t a neophyte, either. My crime, in this case, was that I had told a client that our company was having its best year ever. I said it as a way of strengthening the client’s confidence in our company—and because, frankly, I was proud of it.

After my meeting with the client, I had gone to Susan to relay to her how well the meeting went. When I told her the part about letting the client know how well our company was doing, she blew a gasket. The way she viewed it, the client would now start pressuring us to whittle down our fees. Even though she hadn’t attended the meeting and hadn’t witnessed the easy relationship I had built with our client, she was convinced that I had screwed things up. My innocent disclosure proved to her, once again, that my judgment couldn’t be trusted. No reasoning on my part would convince her otherwise.

It isn’t hard for workers to come up with derogatory and divisive labels for bosses like Susan. Early on, my coworkers and I whispered quite a few of them behind her back. Such terms are restrictive, and exclude the complexities of people and personalities. They also exclude the facets of, and capacity for, goodness that each person has. No one, as the derogatory labels insinuate, is entirely bad. As much as Susan could be uptight and condescending, she was also one of the most brilliant executives I ever worked for. Her thinking was crisp and critical. When I went to Susan with challenges and issues, her brilliant thinking would help illuminate a clearer path to resolving them. Her thinking nearly always made my thinking better.

Susan wasn’t a jerk; she was just someone whose TRUST bucket was filled with the wrong stuff. When a person’s bucket is filled with courage, she will respond to challenges with confidence, conviction, and chutzpah. When the bucket is filled with fear, she will respond with apprehension, tentativeness, and anxiety. Like Susan, most people are courageous in one area and lack courage in another. Susan, for example, boldly took on the complex and higher-risk projects that her colleagues avoided. Her TRY bucket was filled with courage. So was her TELL bucket, as evidenced by how bluntly she stated her opinions, even when expressing them to her bosses. But when it came to issues of trust, because her TRUST bucket was filled with fear, her demeanor would change. Her behavioral disposition would shift from confidence to fear. The more fearful she became, the more her fear would spill out over everyone else.

This or That

Too often, organizational theorists divide people into either/ or categories. They tell you that you’re either technically intelligent or emotionally intelligent. You’re either a task-oriented manager or a people-oriented manager. You’re either an introvert or an extravert. Such narrow either/or distinctions fail to acknowledge the complexity, fullness, and often-contradictory nature of a person. At different times, and under different circumstances, most of us can be accurately described by any of the labels. With clients I exhibit a different level of emotional, people-oriented intelligence than I do in my marriage, for example.

People are not either courageous or cowardly. They are both. In one situation a person will behave with bravado. The same person, facing a different set of circumstances, will have no spine at all. The person who has no problem speaking up to authority may be the same person who gets slightly nervous when stepping onto an escalator. Given the dynamic nature of human beings, let me be explicit about the managerial dispositions I am going to introduce next: They are not either/ or labels. Rather, they are sets of actions and behaviors that are reflective of whether people are operating out of courage or fear. I call these two management dispositions Fillers and Spillers.

What’s in Your Bucket?

Susan was what I call a TRUST Spiller. Her trust issues often caused her to be suspicious of the motives of others. In situations where another person’s motive was unclear, she nearly always assumed the worst. TRUST Spiller managers like Susan usually aren’t born that way. They learn to distrust after getting hurt by trusting. Most TRUST Spillers can point to a betrayal (or perceived betrayal) as the reason they withhold their trust. In Susan’s case, her father died unexpectedly when she was sixteen years old. Susan’s mother was nearly incapacitated by the event, and Susan, as a result, had to become “the responsible one,” taking care of both her mother and her younger sister. She shared this with me in a candid and disarmed moment over dinner one night. When I asked her what impact her father’s death had had on her, she said, “I learned never to rely on someone so much that when they go away you can’t take care of yourself. Never get so close to someone that you’ll be devastated when they’re gone.”

Susan’s father’s death had taught her that closeness, such as the closeness that trust brings to relationships, is dangerous. So anytime she faced a situation that held the potential of deepening the bonds of trust between her and another person, her demeanor became prickly. Distrust was a protection mechanism, like the bristling of a porcupine’s quills when it’s threatened. When Susan’s defensive spikes were up, she was more apt to lash out at people. Because her moods lacked predictability, people would become distrusting of her. By being distrustful toward others, she would, in a roundabout way, get distrust in return. It was as if her TRUST bucket had become so full of fear that it would spill over into others’ buckets, too.

We behave according to what our TRY, TRUST, and TELL buckets are filled with. When your bucket is filled with courage, you meet the world with confidence. When your bucket is filled with fear, you see the world (and the people in it) as a threat. Because it is uncommon to have all three buckets filled with courage, most managers are both Fillers and Spillers.

Putting the Buckets to Work

Good bucket management is a function of three things: 1. knowing which bucket you’re operating out of, 2. discerning which bucket your employees are operating out of, and 3. filling your bucket and their buckets with courage.

In a moment I’ll share with you the unique behaviors that Filler and Spiller managers exhibit in each of the respective TRY, TRUST, and TELL buckets. But first it is useful to understand the general Filler and Spiller behaviors that are common to all three buckets.

As depicted in Figure 3, when your behaviors are directed by a bucket full of courage, you will manage people differently than when your bucket is full of fear. You are a Filler manager when you build up people’s confidence by encouraging them to face challenges, as you have, in that bucket. You fill their bucket with the same courage that is sloshing over in your own bucket. Because your bucket is full of courage, and because you’ve experienced success within that bucket, you start with the assumption that workers can be successful in that bucket, too. Your own successes are proof that their successes are possible. As a Filler manager, you emphasize the gains that people will make by taking risks and building up their courage in that bucket. You are a Filler manager when your optimism about the future leaves people feeling more confident about themselves and more energized to deal with whatever challenges they are facing.

You can’t encourage people if you are coming from a place of fear. You are a Spiller manager when you undermine people’s confidence by placing undue emphasis on all the ways they will likely get harmed, as you have been, if they confront challenges in that bucket. As a Spiller, you drain whatever courage people have in their bucket and fill it up with the fear that is spilling over from your own. You have experienced failure and pain within that bucket, and you assume that workers will, too, if they move forward. To prevent them from getting hurt, or to hold them back from gaining successes that you haven’t experienced, you discourage them from taking any risks in the bucket. Your focus is on the losses they will incur. You are a Spiller manager when your pessimism leaves people feeling discouraged and less confident about themselves and the future.

Figure 3. Fillers and Spillers

The most pronounced differences between managers who are Fillers and those who are Spillers are these: A Filler manager assumes the best in people, encourages risk taking and mistake making, views the future with optimism, and makes people feel more confident and courageous. Spiller managers do the opposite.

Bucket-Specific Fillers and Spillers

Rarely is a manager uniformly a Filler or a Spiller. More likely he or she is a Filler in one or two buckets and a Spiller in another. While the Filler/Spiller behaviors just mentioned are common to all three buckets, there are also behaviors that are bucket specific. The TRUST Spiller behavior of doubting your intentions, for example, is very different from the TELL Spiller behavior of stifling your opinion. Thus, to make the best use of the Filler/Spiller concept, you have to take into account the specific behaviors that are unique to each bucket.

TRY Fillers and Spillers

TRY Fillers When a manager’s TRY bucket is full of courage, she will encourage workers to take chances with tangible things, like tasks and projects. TRY Fillers value initiative and action. They see facing challenges as the best way to grow and develop; thus they are likely to assign new tasks to workers as a way to help them step up to a higher skill level or standard. They value and encourage novel approaches and experimentation. TRY Fillers want workers to make some mistakes, because mistakes are the best evidence that workers are extending themselves.

TRY Spillers Managers with TRY buckets that are full of fear will resist workers’ attempts to use different methods and approaches. Yep, these are the folks who hang on to the safe but low-aim words, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” Sameness, consistency, and predictability are what matter most. Experimentation is viewed as folly or danger. Mistakes are just proof of people’s incompetence. “Why go through the effort of extending yourself?” they think. “You’ll save energy by doing it the way it’s always been done.”

TRUST Fillers and Spillers

TRUST Fillers Managers with TRUST buckets that are full of courage are apt to give people the benefit of the doubt. They start with the assumption that people’s actions are based on positive intentions. Rather than making workers prove they can be trusted, they presume that the workers are trustworthy. Thus, delegating work is easier for TRUST Filler managers, and they give workers a lot of latitude in how they will get their tasks done. TRUST Filler managers encourage people to open up, as they have, in ways that less-trusting people won’t.

TRUST Spillers Managers with TRUST buckets that are full of fear guard vigilantly against being taken advantage of. They won’t let people burn them like they’ve gotten burned in the past. Thus, TRUST Spiller managers endlessly make people prove they can be trusted. TRUST Spillers start with the assumption that people’s actions are based on selfish motives and/or bad intentions. TRUST Spillers have a hard time delegating tasks. They fear that workers will screw up and make them look bad. TRUST Spiller managers lord over workers until the job is completed exactly as the managers would have done it themselves. TRUST Spillers have been harmed by trusting people in the past, so to prevent getting harmed again, they put up defensive walls, which makes them closed and/or cold people.

TELL Fillers and Spillers

TELL Fillers Managers with TELL buckets that are full of courage have no problem “telling it like it is,” and they want workers to do so, too. They value honesty above all else and can be impatient with people who couch their words in vague terms. TELL Filler managers encourage people to speak up and get their thoughts and ideas out in the open, like Filler managers do, even if those ideas run counter to their own. TELL Filler managers stress the importance of showcasing one’s ideas persuasively, and view persuasion skills as an essential ingredient for business success.

TELL Spillers Managers with fear-saturated TELL buckets want workers to package the truth in words that are pleasing to the ear but not always honest. “When the boss says something,” they’ll say, “just agree.” TELL Spiller managers go to great lengths to avoid being “in trouble” with their own bosses, which makes them consummate conflict avoiders. This makes it difficult to know where TELL Spiller managers really stand on issues. TELL Spillers discourage people from stating opinions that run counter to the group’s, because doing so might cause disharmony.

This and That Works, Too

I want to reemphasize that it is rare to have all three buckets filled to the brim with courage. More commonly, a manager is both a Filler and a Spiller. I recall watching an interview once with Donald Trump Jr., where he was reflecting on the lessons he had learned from his father growing up. He mentioned that as a little boy, when he would be leaving for school, the elder Trump would say, “Remember, never trust anyone, not even me.” Then, a few moments later, Trump would ask the child, “Do you trust me?” His son would say something to the effect of, “Of course, I do. You’re my dad.” To which Trump would feign exasperation and say, “No! I just told you, never trust anyone!”

My hunch is that Trump senior is a TRUST Spiller. This is not a political statement. Certainly anyone who adopts a “Never trust anyone” philosophy fits the mold. His facility for trust is only one dimension, and one measure, of the man. As a self-proclaimed deal-maker, he had to have employed his TRY bucket along the way. So, too, as evidenced by his big mouth and willingness to confront just about anyone, is his TELL bucket. The point is, it is common for managers to have buckets with both courage and fear. Still, despite the rarity of occurrence, if your aim is to help your workers to be courageous in every facet of their careers while also actualizing your own potential as a courageous human being, filling all three of your buckets with courage is a worthwhile ideal.

Fill ’Er Up!

Courage goes to work most potently when all the buckets are full of courage. Your job, as a manager, is to figure out which buckets—your own and your workers’—are most in need of filling, and then to provide the work experiences that fill them with courage.

As a manager, you’re either filling your workers’ courage buckets or you’re draining them. Many of the ideas you’ve already read about in the book thus far, such as those associated with the Courage Foundation Model in part 1, are in essence about helping you to fill people’s buckets with courage. The chapters that follow build upon those foundational ideas by offering specific guidance about how to fill each of the TRY, TRUST, and TELL buckets with courage … however, below are some general courage-filling strategies you can apply across all three buckets.

Courage Fillers

Work with the Bucket THEY Want to Fill: Often, a manager will ignore a worker’s own aspirations to fill a specific bucket. An example of this is when a manager keeps a worker chained to a set of tasks that the worker has outgrown. The manager purposely holds the worker back from learning new skills, rationalizing that he “can’t afford to have you working on other tasks right now.” Except that “right now” goes on for years, and the manager stunts the worker’s growth. A better approach is to identify what new skills and tasks the worker is interested in learning, and provide him with stretch experiences that will enlarge his capabilities.

Use the Fears of Your Past to Build Futures of Courage for Your Workers: While your bucket may be full of courage today, there was probably a point in time when it was full of fear. Plus, while your bucket may now be full of courage, your worker’s may be full of fear. Think back to all the experiences you went through, and guidance you received, that helped you to empty your bucket of fear and fill it with courage. Share those experiences with your employee so that he can see his current bucket circumstances as temporary and part of a courage progression.

Teach Workers to Apply Bucket Borrowing: As noted, most people have at least one full courage bucket. Bucket Borrowing involves helping a person to borrow the courage she has in one bucket to use in another. A go-getter worker, for example, who has no fear about taking on new projects (TRY Courage) can fill her fearful TRUST bucket by using the same approaches that she uses with her TRY Courage. For example, when taking on a new project, she would likely start with a goal, break down the goal into smaller objectives, and then figure out the actions that would cause the goal and objectives to be attained. You can help the worker to fill her TRUST bucket with courage by having her set trust-building goals, objectives, and actions just as she does when setting goals on projects where she applies her TRY Courage.

Fill Workers’ Buckets to the Right Level: Many managers make the mistake of trying to pour a hundred gallons of courage into a ten-gallon bucket. Instead of underusing a worker’s bucket, the manager attempts to fill it beyond its capacity by overloading the worker with challenges that he isn’t prepared to meet. The end result is a worker who gets burned out or disheartened because he can’t keep up with the manager’s demands. This mistake may stem from the fact that many managers judge the size of their workers’ buckets by the size of their own. A more effective approach is to pour courage into workers’ buckets at an absorbable rate, such as using the lead-up approach described in chapter 5.

I’m betting that you’re the kind of person who wants to do an even better job of being a Filler manager. In each of the next three chapters, you’ll be provided with specific tips and techniques that you can use to build workers’ courage in each of the respective TRY, TRUST, and TELL buckets. Each chapter uses real-life client situations to illustrate what happens when courage goes to work.