This is not a personal finance book. That's not my area of expertise, so I'm not going to give you a bunch of spreadsheets and rules for managing your money, and expect you to follow them. I don't expect you to handle your finances the same way that I do because I'm not a guru.

Your numbers will be different from the next person's numbers, and the numbers that matter to you will be different from the numbers that matter to other people. Some people just need to know that they're covering their living expenses; some people are trying to hit particular income goals to create options and freedom. Some people measure their worth by their total asset value and other people are happy if they've got plenty of cash this month. So I'm not going to give you a one-size-fits-all model for managing your money.

What I am going to talk about is what it's like to be a breadwinner and how that impacts your relationship with your partner and family. And I'll give you some very, very broad principles that I personally use to make decisions around money: how I communicate my expectations, keep my commitments, and define the numbers that matter to me.

WHEN BREADWINNING DOESN'T FEEL LIKE WINNING

I hate the term breadwinner. It assumes you're going to be winning all the time, when you're not. Why don't we called it “breadmaker”? Sometimes it's brilliant and everybody wants bread. Other times, people are like, I'm gluten-free, I'm low-carb. Sometimes you're going to burn the loaf!

Men have been doing this breadwinning thing for centuries and it's really hard. Is it any wonder they work such long hours? When you're the primary earner you're under an incredible amount of pressure to provide.

I don't think you should look to your partner to understand the pressure you're under if they haven't experienced it themselves. Don't make them feel bad because they don't get it. (I can say this because I'm guilty of it.) They don't understand what it feels like to not be able to breathe over a work thing. They've got their own pressures.

Florian has told me that sometimes when I walk in the door at the end of a workday, I don't hear what the kids are saying. It can take me about 10 minutes to get into family mode because my brain's still at work. It's great that I live so close to my current office, but often my phone conversation from the car hasn't ended by the time I get home. So we made a deal that I'd end my calls before I walk in the door, even if it means waiting in the car. I can't drive into the garage because the kids hear it and know I'm home, so I sit in the car across the street. I wonder what the neighbors must think—my house is right there! It's because I made a promise to Florian that I would walk in the door, not on the phone, ready to be present. I'm caught up in what's happened at work, but that's not my family's problem.

It's not always that easy to switch off when you get home. When I feel like I can't breathe at work, like I don't have options, is when I can get disgruntled about my role in the family. It's not their problem, but if you're grumpy they're going to feel it anyway. If you've got a partner, keep communicating about how you feel and what you want to change. But don't expect them to fix it. When I expect Florian to understand and solve my work issues and he doesn't, I interpret it as him not caring. That doesn't help either of us.

I'm not convinced that I have great coping mechanisms for this, other than to be able to call my forum urgently and hear that everybody else has had the same experiences. You just need to find people who've been through it and survived it. Know that you're not alone, and get some ideas that might help you cope or get out of the situation.

So that's my top strategy for coping with the pressure of breadwinning: rather than looking to your partner to figure it all out for you, go to your network to help you solve the problem. Have moments with other breadwinners who can share when they're not winning.

The other coping strategy I have when I'm in a tight spot is to sit down and write out all the times in the past that I've pulled a rabbit out of my hat. If I list all those times when I came up with a magic solution, what are the patterns and trends across those moments? Where have I evolved and problem solved? After 20 years in business, I've got a breeding farm of rabbits. I can go to the rabbit store and get a solution.

The main thing is to have a plan, eat the elephant one bite at a time, and give it time. If you've got major dissatisfaction and stress around work and money, it's like a kind of grief. You want to get over it tomorrow, but you can't. It's a process.

Warren Rustand, one of our lecturers at the Entrepreneurs Masters Program in Boston, has a different approach. He doesn't buy into “stress.” He believes that it's inevitable that things will go wrong. All you can do to prepare for this is know that you did your best at the time and then cope with the lessons and learnings that follow. He refers to stress as a waste of energy.

I'm looking forward to working on that part of myself to come closer to this model, because I believe this skill will not only help my mental health but also show up positively in my family. Warren is a shining example of this.

TALKING TO YOUR PARTNER ABOUT MONEY

We've all heard that financial issues are one of the most common reasons couples get divorced. So we need to get better about communicating about money!

The rise of female breadwinning has shaken up the roles we take financially, but maybe not in the way you'd expect. The old thing used to be that the man would be the breadwinner, but in many households he'd hand over his wages and the woman would run the finances. She'd have the checkbook, order the groceries, make sure all the bills got paid on time. But now that we're the breadwinners, do we hand over our money to our partners? I dare you to run that fucking survey! The answer would be “no.”

So it's not a straightforward role reversal; we're all trying to figure this shit out as we go. Every couple is going to find their own way to share the money and the responsibility that goes with it. There are a few areas you might want to have a conversation about:

• Asking for permission. Some couples need to get permission from each other before they spend anything. That's not the way I do it. I don't check the credit card statements or question what Florian spends. Sometimes I'll make a general comment like, “Hey babe, we talked about cutting back this month!” But I'm not looking at every purchase and adding things up.

  As the breadwinner I don't ask Florian if I'm “allowed” to do something or buy something. But I do look to him for permission in the sense that I like to get his opinion on the things I want to do. I value it so much because he's got a helicopter view of my life and he's amazing; you couldn't ask for anyone less judgmental. He's always in my corner. He's my family. When you see each other like that, asking for permission sounds like, “Hey, I want to do this—do you think it's a good idea for us?” Not trying to find ways to get them to say yes to something and not punish you for it later. We don't play that game.

• Taking risks. If you're in a partnership, the risks that you take financially matter to the other person. Some people are afraid of scaring their partner because they have very different risk profiles. But incompatibility isn't the main problem; not communicating about it is what causes the problem. You need to talk about the kinds of risks you're each comfortable taking and how you're going to involve each other in that. Risk profiles change and develop over time: what Florian may consider high-risk (not having been in business before or having debt for a property before) is not an irresponsible step for me (with my 20 years of building on these foundations).
• Valuing each other's contribution. Some couples agree that one of them will stay home permanently and the other one will have a career. Some couples take turns working and staying home. Some people work in a business together. Some couples are both working in different careers, then there's a battle about whose career is more important. Whatever your situation, I'd say the person who makes the most money isn't automatically the most important. It's about how much value they contribute overall. Sometimes flexibility is more valuable to the family than finances. So have conversations around your contribution and the value you each bring to the partnership, then agree to respect each other's value.
• Making assumptions. This applies to all areas of your marriage, not just finances. So often we assume that things will be done a certain way, probably the way our parents did them growing up, or something that we've seen work for other people. Your partner has their own set of assumptions and they're probably different from yours. So you both need to acknowledge that you've made assumptions and be willing to question them. Where did that assumption come from? Who said we have to do it that way? Besides, if you love somebody, I just think it's nice to ask.

INVESTING IN YOURSELF

I read Rich Dad, Poor Dad before I was 20, and got interested in property. I bought a block of units before my parents had bought their house. People often ask my opinion on the best thing to invest in. Although I don't give advice or share opinions, my answer, based on my experience, is always the same: invest in yourself. I've had better returns on myself than I've ever had on property.

What do I mean by investing in myself? It's not just putting money into your own development and your own projects. I value my time more than money. I invest in myself by putting my time, energy, and focus into improving myself and making a success of the things I commit to. I think I'm the most valuable asset that I have.

So I have to get very disciplined about what I say yes to and what I say no to, and there needs to be a lot more no than yes. I know my nature and I know that when I say yes to something, I'm going to stick to it. No matter what, I'm going to be obsessive about it and make it work. So I set myself up for success by choosing things that I think are good bets: timing, values, passion, and purpose.

Choosing well and doing whatever it takes to succeed at that—in other words, betting on myself and then investing in whatever growth I need to do to make it work—I think that's the best way to move my family forward. I get to be happy doing what I love, which makes me a better wife and mother. And when I invest time and energy into making my businesses work, I know I can make enough money to provide the lifestyle I've promised my family.

I get to choose how to do that. I believe in business, so right now I'm spending my time creating great businesses. I choose what I want to focus on in that space, and I don't ask for permission. I've earned the right to do that, from years of being the provider. So I pick what I want to do and I do not apologize.

When it comes to financial assets, I do believe in diversifying and having a mixture. I like diversifying my income, too. I've committed to earning a certain amount to uphold our lifestyle, but it's up to me where I get it from.

I believe in giving yourself room to breathe, especially if you have a family. Not only do you have a responsibility to give them a bit of security, but it's not fair on your partner and kids if you're on edge about finances all the time and you bring that stress home. But I also believe in a small element of fear, because fear does drive me.

I have a problem with the way some people invest in businesses, throwing big checks at them without even making them show that they have a viable product. Maybe this is why I love sweat equity over investing capital for early-stage startups. A lot of money is very nice, thank you, but it won't necessarily create a business that's efficient and geared up for profit and growth. A business without fear is like a rich kid who never had to work for anything, as opposed to the kid who had to work two jobs, get a secondhand car, and understand what it's like to drive a shitbox until you get somewhere. Having that big check is like going into a BMW dealership and saying, “I'll have one off the floor, thanks.” I don't like scarcity mentality, but I love what a little bit of fear can do.

So give yourself breathing space, but don't be afraid to take calculated risks and back yourself. If you don't, who will? You don't need to ask for permission, as long as you're covering what you promised to your family. The rest is in your control.

MY PERSONAL RULES AROUND FINANCES

I don't like to make rules for other people, but I do have some personal rules that guide the way I do finances. The number-one rule is to cover my commitments to my family. After that, it's just a question of deciding which numbers matter to you and what you need to do to hit the targets you've set for yourself. Are you prepared to do that? Once you've covered everything in those first two categories—commitments to your family, and targets you set yourself—the rest is yours to play with.

FIRST, COVER YOUR PROMISES

Your number-one responsibility as a breadwinner is to provide for your family. You'll have a whole lot of commitments around that, whether it's keeping the house or paying for certain schools or anything else that you've promised your family they can expect. There's a minimum amount you need to cover expenses, and it's your job to come up with that.

The breadwinner has the ultimate responsibility for the family, but they should also get the ultimate freedom. As long as you're keeping all your promises, it's up to you how you do it.

I've promised my family that, for the foreseeable future, we'll continue to live in the home we've got and travel and do all the other things we're used to doing. But I never promised them that I'd stay in the job I'm doing right now. Sometimes I don't know what I'm doing next; I know better than to make any promises about that. I just say, “I'll keep you posted. I'm not sure myself.” I've made sure that if something happens to me, my family will be taken care of. So I've covered my responsibilities and I've given myself permission to explore.

Sometimes I take risks, but I know that I can always go back to the circle I was in before. Yeah, if I decided to just go back to working in my marketing agency, it might take me three months to build up my clients again as a marketer, but I could do it. To be honest I'd rather not have to do that, but if I found myself in a situation where I had no other choice and I had to do it to fulfill my promises, I would. Knowing what your fallback is can actually be a driving force to succeed. I've got a backup plan but it's not something I want to do, so I'm motivated to keep moving forward.

You've always got options. If I decided tomorrow to quit my job and not do anything else for 12 months, I could put my units on the market and sell them and live off that money, for example. As long as we kept the house and the kids were fed, that'd be my prerogative.

TRACK YOUR MAGIC NUMBERS

As I said before, everybody has a different opinion on what numbers matter. This applies in your business and with your personal finances. You don't need to track every little financial movement down to the cents and get obsessed with every possible metric. You just need to know what your “magic numbers” are and keep an eye on those.

You and your partner might decide some magic numbers together. For example, you'd know what your magic number is for covering your mortgage, another number for living expenses, and a few other numbers you pick together, like how much you want to be able to put aside for overseas holidays, or to support another family member, or to put toward a shared goal like buying a vacation home. Whatever it is, you know that if you've hit those magic numbers, the rest is just detail. You can track it if you like, but you don't need to overthink it.

You might periodically check in and report on your magic numbers with your partner. Mortgage paid—check, money for expenses—check, vacation booked—check, savings—check. Or whatever it is that you've agreed. If you've done all that, you can go and play.

GO AND PLAY

When I'm talking about finances, I think in terms of BAMs—bare-ass minimums. How much do I need at a minimum to cover my expenses? Then once the BAMs are covered, am I delivering on other promises? Am I servicing family goals?

If you can answer yes to all those questions, the rest of your resources—time or money—are yours to do what you want with. You can choose to work more, earn more, and decide how to use that money. Or you can choose to invest your valuable time in something else that you want to do.

Cover your BAMs, keep your commitments, then go and play.