6

CHECK YOUR ATTITUDE AT THE DOOR

The most disgruntled employees in today’s companies are usually the twenty-somethings. Why? I think it’s because the people running the business world are from a different generation. Parents in the late 20th century were instructed to tell their children they could be anything they wanted, consuming a steady diet of books that instructed “how to raise a happy, confident, socially skilled, psychologically stable, intellectually stimulated child.” As a result, today’s twenty-somethings feel as though they are the most special people in the universe. Educated on computers and the Internet, they learned rapidly or were left behind, and now that they’re in the professional world, they’re innovative, entrepreneurial, and devoted to changing business for the better.

Although most managers would like to believe otherwise, the business world doesn’t always operate according to these values. In fact, the generation in power tends to believe that twenty-something employees would do the world a favor if they settled down, did their jobs, and resigned themselves to living in the “real world” of organizational bureaucracy. This is frustrating, and it’s only too common for companies to become a battleground of “us vs. them.” However, they are in the driver’s seat for the time being. When you’re running the show, perhaps you’ll do things differently, but you’ll never get there unless you learn to work with the system and serve with a smile.

This can be more challenging than any skill we’ve discussed so far, so I’m devoting an entire chapter to strategies for combating negativity, maintaining a positive attitude, and staying motivated in the face of difficult circumstances. You will move on to the next chapter armed with the most powerful weapon a twenty-something can possess in the business world: the ability to harness the power of your own thinking and create a pleasant situation out of a maddening one.

Combating Negativity

When the professional world frustrates you, it is tempting to stomp your foot and scream, “It’s not fair! It doesn’t make any sense! It’s wrong!” Incident after incident convinces you that your managers are a bunch of crazy lunatics, and every time you turn around, someone or something keeps you from succeeding at work. You quickly develop a bad attitude without considering the consequences.

I fell into this trap at the beginning of my career. I had a clear mental picture of how the business world should operate, and I considered my company’s inefficiencies to be a personal tragedy. Every time my progress toward my goals was blocked, my resentment grew (and I’m the type of person who wears my emotions on my sleeve). Pretty soon my managers didn’t want to give me bad news because they were afraid of my reaction. I was probably one of the most capable people in my group at the time, but did I get promoted? No. I stayed exactly where I was and watched as coworkers with half my skills moved ahead of me. Eventually I quit, believing my company was the problem. Two jobs later, I realized that the business world is the same everywhere, and that the problem was not my job, but rather my attitude.

Negativity might be a natural reaction to frustration, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right one. Pessimistic twenty-somethings waste a lot of energy being unhappy. They’re unpopular with their colleagues because they suck the life out of everyone around them, and their professional personas suffer because they are perceived as immature. One of my first managers used to say that a bad attitude is like cholera: The person who catches it is vocal in his misery and gives the plague to everyone around him before finally kicking the bucket. Unless you want your career to end prematurely, you must kill negativity before it kills you.

Maintaining a positive attitude when faced with demotivating situations is not easy, but it is under your control. I’m not suggesting that you suppress your bad feelings and walk around smiling when you think something is wrong. In fact, if you pay close attention to the suggestions in this chapter, you won’t have to fake it at all. When you learn how to adjust your thoughts, let go of irrational expectations, and manage your emotions to banish anger, worry, stress, and frustration, you will genuinely become a happier and more peaceful person.

You Are What You Think

Three neighbors were standing in the road talking about their possessions. “I own a huge villa!” one said proudly.

“Oh yeah?” scoffed the second. “Well, I own a successful farm!”

“I don’t have a villa or a big farm,” the third said quietly. “But I do have optimism.”

The two neighbors laughed at him. Optimism was hardly something to boast about, for what good is a possession that can’t be seen or touched? Later that evening, the neighborhood experienced a violent storm. The rain destroyed the first neighbor’s house. “What am I to do?” he cried, wringing his hands. The wind ruined the second neighbor’s crops. “I am finished!” he lamented.

The storm also destroyed the third neighbor’s home and crops. “What should I do first?” he asked himself. After only a few minutes of consideration, he began rebuilding his home and replanting his crops. The next day, he whistled to himself as he went into his yard with some tomato seeds. His neighbors were still standing in the road feeling sorry for themselves. “We don’t understand why you walk with a spring in your step,” said the first neighbor. “All of your possessions have been destroyed.”

“Yes,” said the second. “What is your secret?”

“It is no secret,” the man said. “The only thing I own is what I think.”

If you take away one thing from this chapter, let it be that your thoughts control your feelings and make you who you are. As a human being, you are responsible for your own life, and you have the ability to choose your response to your environment. Have you ever stayed late at work and noticed that half of the janitors are smiling and whistling as they go about their cleaning? Objectively, these folks might not have the most stimulating job in the world, but some of them make the decision to begin each day with a positive outlook. Fulfillment is not about the job itself, it’s about one’s attitude toward the job. Nothing—and no one—controls your attitude but you.

You can change your attitude for the better when you recognize that you create your feelings with the thoughts you choose to concentrate on. Let’s look at a few examples of how a person might react differently in a given situation, depending on whether they choose to be positive and productive or negative.

Notice that all of the negative reactions have some truth to them. Every situation has pluses and minuses. However, it’s hazardous to your well-being to focus only on the minuses, even though they may be first to pop into your mind. Short-lived negative reactions such as concern, regret, disappointment, annoyance, and frustration are normal and often understandable. However, it’s the negative reactions we hold on to—rage, panic, depression, self-pity—that wreak havoc over time, and eventually result in a bad attitude. To maintain a positive attitude, you have to make a conscious effort to throw constructive thoughts into the mix.

The “Should” Patrol

Similar to negative thoughts, irrational expectations can be an attitude-buster—not just in business, but in life in general. When we hold on to a belief that something should or must happen, we set ourselves up for inevitable disappointment. We set ourselves up for a great deal of disappointment when we insist that the world fulfill all of our expectations. Recognize any of the following?

If you catch yourself thinking or saying the word “should,” go directly to jail and do not collect $200! “Should” often signals that you’re harboring an irrational expectation. Life does not always play out in a logical or fair way, and you do yourself a disservice when you hold on to a fantasy of what work or people should be like. A case of the “shoulds” can be downright dangerous if it leads you to freak out trying to correct an annoying situation that is beyond your control. You’ll appear negative and panicky to your colleagues, and the situation won’t turn out any better than it would have if you’d just stayed calm and dealt with the circumstances as best as you could.

Got a bad case of negativity? Remember that all hell breaking loose is in the eye of the beholder. Ask yourself if the world is going to end if things don’t go exactly as you planned. Instead of thinking that something should happen, reframe it as something you would like to happen. You’re still acknowledging your own opinions and preferences, but the element of expectation is gone, so you can’t be disappointed.

Make a commitment to be more tolerant and flexible, and recognize that everyone has a different point of view. Instead of creating a bunch of rules and judgments based on your own ideals, walk into your office each day with an open mind. Think about how lucky you are to be educated, to be employed, and to most likely have a standard of living that is better than 97 percent of the world’s population. You’ll notice an improvement in your attitude overnight, without any changes in your work situation whatsoever!

The Positive Now

Most of us spend a great deal of time obsessing about the past, the future, and how we’re going to use the people and things in our lives to get what we want. What if we recognized that every moment can be satisfying and inspiring in and of itself? After all, the most important moment in our lives is the one we’re experiencing right now, and all others are either just a memory or don’t yet exist. What if we could shut out negativity by becoming deeply involved in everything we do, every day?

Even if you start off the day in a positive frame of mind, your sense of well-being can fade as the hours wear on. Should you feel yourself slipping into unproductive modes of thinking, try the following:

When you routinely exist in the moment, you become more conscious of how you behave around others and how certain situations affect you. This comes in handy for coping with negative emotions that rear their ugly heads at work. In the next section, I’ll talk more about how you can develop your emotional intelligence to effectively fight attitude-busters such as anger, worry, stress, and frustration.

Reach Out and Touch Your Emotions

Most of us have taken an IQ test at some point or another, but you probably never gave your EQ a second thought. Author and psychologist Hendrie Weisinger explains that emotional intelligence, or EQ, means intentionally using your emotions to guide your behavior. For example, let’s say your boss just told you that his budget has been cut and your pet project must be canceled. In this situation, it’s likely that negative emotions would overwhelm you. Without even thinking, you might fly off the handle and lash out at your boss. When you’ve honed your EQ, however, you immediately stop and consider how this development has made you feel. Once you ascertain that you’re angry, you might prevent your emotions from spilling over by talking yourself through them or taking a time-out.

Achieving Self-Awareness

High self-awareness is the basic building block of EQ. Think of it as stepping outside of your body and objectively observing yourself in action. Let’s illustrate Weisinger’s strategies for increasing self-awareness by using the previous example of the canceled project.

Strategy #1: Examine how you make judgments about the world. Your judgments about yourself, other people, and situations are influenced by your personality, beliefs, and experiences. When you become aware of your judgments, you learn how your thoughts influence your feelings, actions, and reactions, and you can then alter them accordingly. If you recognize that you put a negative spin on your judgments, remember not to react out of anger and try and talk yourself out of them.

Positive Reaction: “I have the tendency to believe that developments such as this are my fault and that they directly relate to my work. But the reality is that my boss canceled my project because our funds to pay the vendor were cut off. The decision had nothing to do with my work.”

Strategy #2: Get in touch with your feelings. When you understand and acknowledge your emotions, you are better equipped to work through them. You can often identify your feelings from physical manifestations such as increases in heart rate, breathing, and perspiration.

Positive Reaction: “The second the words were out of my boss’s mouth, I noticed my heart was beating so fast it was almost in my throat. I didn’t need to start talking to know I was really angry.”

Strategy #3: Identify what your intentions are. Take the time to consider your hidden agenda, or what’s really driving you to act a certain way, so that you can better strategize your course of action.

Positive Reaction: “I really want to get promoted at my next review, but I’m worried that I won’t be able to build a case in time because my primary project was canceled. Maybe I should think about how I can prove myself some other way.”

Strategy #4: Pay attention to your actions. Nonverbal cues such as speech patterns and body language can help you identify your emotions and behavior. Becoming aware of these also helps you monitor how others might perceive you.

Positive Reaction: “I can tell I’m feeling really defeated by the way I’m slumping down in my chair. To my boss, it might look as though I’ve totally given up on my job because this project was canceled.”

By using these self-awareness strategies, you’ll be able to better understand your emotional hot buttons and, therefore, manage your negative emotions much more easily. Now, let’s introduce some specific tools for diffusing anger, worry, and stress.

Managing Anger

Irritating circumstances often lead to feelings of anger. However, for the sake of your professional persona, it’s in your best interests to refrain from showing anger at work. Even if you have a legitimate cause, this type of negative reaction will never reflect well on you. Whether you display your anger in the form of an irate tirade, a single rude comment, or subtle insubordination, failing to control this emotion can result in serious consequences. One friend of mine was fired on the spot when he screamed at his boss for handling a project ineptly. Another was suspended after sending a scathing email to a colleague. During the most stressful phase of my career, my anger masked itself as tears. I wasn’t fired or suspended, but I did compromise my credibility and reputation. All it took was one supervisor to perceive me as immature, and the next thing I knew, I didn’t get the promotion I deserved.

Regulating your thoughts, existing in the moment, and boosting your EQ are good strategies for preventing negative emotions from creeping into your workday. Despite your best efforts, though, anger may threaten to overflow at times. The key is to manage it so that you don’t end up in hot water. In the midst of a heated discussion or situation, use the self-awareness strategies from the last section to determine when you’re losing control. Tell the person or people you’re arguing with that you need to take a break, and then temporarily remove yourself from the situation. Whether you’re right or wrong is irrelevant. After all, winning the argument won’t mean anything if you lose your temper. A month from now, your point will have been forgotten, but everyone who was within earshot will remember your inappropriate behavior. Go back to your office or cube and decompress. Relax, calm yourself down, and adjust your thoughts to erode some of your negativity. Consider ways to reapproach the situation anger-free, and then catch up with your colleague or colleagues to continue the discussion in a civil manner.

Sometimes we need to express our anger physically. This is fine, provided you don’t destroy any company property in the process. Take a time-out and head outside where no one can see you. Cover your mouth with an item of clothing and scream as loud as you can. It works for me!

Managing Worry

Once upon a time, I spent huge amounts of time worrying about the past and the future. I worried that something bad was going to happen and I worried when something bad did happen. Then, one day, I visited my grandmother in the hospital. After we talked about my anxiety, my grandmother told me that I was wasting energy because most of the things we worry about never come to pass. I decided to do a little experiment. I went home and wrote down all of the things I was worried about. A month later, I looked at the list and laughed. The worrisome things that occurred were already just innocuous memories, and most of the other things never happened. My grandmother was right. I was wrecking my mental and physical health for no reason at all!

You can only control the moment you’re in right now. You can’t change the past and you don’t know what the future holds, so what’s the use of worrying? As Robert Louis Stevenson once wrote, “Let’s be content to live the only time we can possibly live: from now until bedtime. Anyone can carry his burden, however hard, until nightfall.” Negative energy diminishes significantly when you focus solely on the moment at hand. After all, doesn’t any problem seem surmountable when you look at it from the vantage point of taking one small step at a time? You should absolutely prepare for your future as best you can, but once you’ve done everything possible to increase the likelihood of a positive outcome, let go of your anxiety.

One summer, I worried obsessively about landing an agent to represent my novel. Checking my email a thousand times a day for agent responses, my blood pressure zoomed into the stratosphere. Several weeks later, I finally recognized that my worry was out of control, and I talked about it with my husband, who is a psychologist. Similar to Kim’s coworker in the earlier anecdote, he said that I should consider the worst-case scenario and resign myself to accepting that outcome if necessary. I imagined that I couldn’t find an agent and that my novel would never be published. I then brainstormed ways to improve the situation. This was a hard pill to swallow at first, but I felt better once my mind was purged of all the what-ifs. Free from worry, I was able to concentrate rationally on new strategies for obtaining an agent.

Just because you refuse to worry about a problem doesn’t mean you are denying its existence. I’m just suggesting that you skip the part in which you play out a million variations of the same drama in your head. As soon as you become aware of a problem, consider the best way to approach it rationally. Make a careful decision based on facts, take action, and then consider the matter over and done with.

There are always going to be bumps in the road, and if you think about it, there’s no end to the things you could worry about. Those who break the habit of worrying live happier, longer lives. From a practical perspective, they’re more productive because they spend time resolving issues rather than fretting over them. They’re also more pleasant to be around because they’re not constantly surrounded by a cloud of negativity. When you consider all of these benefits, why wouldn’t you want to stop worrying?

Managing Stress

The World Health Organization calls job stress a worldwide epidemic. It costs companies billions annually. During the first few years of my career in the business world, I was so stressed that I came home from work every evening and collapsed on the couch. By the time I woke up, it was almost time to go to bed again, and I had missed the whole evening. I was in the doctor’s office so much with aches, pains, coughs, and colds that the nurses thought I was a hypochondriac. I cursed my poor health until I signed up for a self-improvement class. It wasn’t until then that I was able to pinpoint the problem: there was nothing wrong with my health, but my stress management needed some serious work.

Did you know that people get physically tired because of emotional factors such as boredom, frustration, and anxiety? True intellectual stimulation, on the other hand, doesn’t exhaust us at all. If you are drained at the end of the day, it’s not because of the mental work you did, but the way in which you did it. The first time I heard this, a light-bulb went off. It occurred to me that I could write nonstop for eight hours and then run a 5K immediately afterward, yet after spending a few hours at my corporate job, I could barely drag myself to the train station. I now make reducing stress a priority, and I do not consider a day productive unless I have a substantial amount of energy left at the end of it. Here are some strategies for managing stress on a daily basis.

There’s no substitute for leading a balanced life. Even if you love your job, people who work all the time are boring, one-dimensional, and ultimately, unsatisfied. Careers in the professional world are demanding, but don’t let your intellectual, social, and spiritual needs slip through the cracks. Do family members or your old college friends live nearby? Visit them. Do you like to read for pleasure? Peruse that classic novel instead of another industry trade magazine. Spend a few hours volunteering on the weekends (because we feel better when we attempt to make our world better). And regardless of your religion, don’t forget to pray. Seriously. Did you know it’s been proven that people who practice religion lead more contented lives? They have faith in a power greater than themselves, and their attitudes reflect it.

My roommates once made fun of me for sleeping more hours than the average two-year-old. Now my husband has to coax me to bed at midnight. Was my job then any harder than it is now? Definitely not. In fact, I’ve climbed the ladder a bit, so my current position is objectively more taxing. The difference is that I remind myself every day how stress once destroyed my health and well-being, and I don’t let it win!

Increasing Your Frustration Tolerance

A key ingredient of frustration is the lack of control a person perceives for the outcome of their work. In psychology, this is called locus of control, a concept that was originally developed by Julian Rotter in the mid-20th century. One has an internal locus of control if he believes that he controls his own destiny, and he has an external locus of control if he believes that his destiny is controlled by other forces such as authority figures, fate, or God. In the last half century, psychological research has determined that males tend to be more internal than females, older people more internal than younger people, and people at higher levels in the organization more internal than junior-level staffers. J. B. Rotter’s work determined that males tend to be more internal than females, older people more internal than younger people, and people at higher levels in the organization more internal than junior-level staffers.

In general, having an internal locus of control is more desirable because these individuals tend to be more achievement oriented. They are more persistent and work longer and harder to get what they need or want. It’s also better from a mental health perspective because when you feel that you can affect the outcome of your work, you are more satisfied and have a greater sense of accomplishment.

If you are prone to an external locus of control, this could be a major cause of your attitude problem at work. Fortunately, there are things you can do to develop an internal locus of control. For example, you can try what psychologists call “exposure.” This strategy involves making a list of the everyday situations that annoy you (driving on the highway at rush hour, waiting on hold for a customer service representative, and so on) and exposing yourself to them gradually to increase your tolerance.

As you experience these situations, you might ask yourself why you’re frustrated in the first place. Do you feel helpless or put out? If so, you can put processes in place to eliminate that negative feeling. For example, I get frustrated by sitting in meetings because they make me feel inefficient. I find that if I schedule these to last just thirty minutes (enough time for quick status updates and to-dos), I’m not nearly as anxious about my time being wasted.

One last tip is to put the frustrating situation in context. For instance, you can say, “Of all the upsetting things that have happened to me in my life, getting chastised by my boss in front of my client was a 7 on a scale of 1 to 10, but not getting a seat on the subway this morning only gets a 2.”

Motivating Yourself

Maintaining a positive attitude is much easier when you’re inspired by your work and the people around you. But the professional world is always not the most motivating environment. There are managers who feel that their employees should consider themselves lucky to have jobs, and they see no reason to lead and encourage them. Some twenty-somethings find themselves working more hours while rewards and recognition for stellar performance are few and far between. Additionally, channels of career progression at many organizations are more confusing than ever. If you try to build a career in these circumstances, who could blame you for doing the bare minimum every day? The establishment doesn’t deserve anything more.

The problem is, having that attitude only hurts you. If you’re playing your cards right, you’re using your job as the means for achieving your big-picture career objectives. Therefore, when you stop giving your all because you didn’t get a raise or someone didn’t pat you on the back for a job well done, you’re sabotaging your own goals. Meeting your own criteria for success should be motivation enough, don’t you think?

Getting motivated is not as simple as it sounds when it’s a rainy Monday morning, an angry client is on the phone, and you have urgent deadlines to meet. You can use this chapter’s strategies to give your attitude a boost, but don’t underestimate the importance of firing yourself up to do your best every day. Need a crutch? I suggest reading a cheesy self-help book of your choice and posting some of your favorite inspirational quotes online or even in your cube. Share your motivational tips with others and you’ll be surprised how much easier it is to believe in them yourself. Sign up for personal development or leadership courses that your company offers, and stay busy so you don’t have time to sit around and think about how much better your job situation could be.

Always keep the big picture in the forefront of your mind, but don’t forget to acknowledge your little successes along the way. Every time you master a new skill or finish a tough project, celebrate the fact that you’re one step closer to your overall career goal. And just because your colleagues don’t give you kudos doesn’t mean your friends and family won’t. Tell them!

No matter how hard you try to rally against negativity, there are going to be times when you feel like marching straight to your boss’s office and handing in your resignation. Beating yourself up for feeling this way will only upset you more. Instead, be patient and wait for the mood to pass. You might also try this suggestion from Hendrie Weisinger, author of Emotional Intelligence at Work: pretend it’s your first day of a new job, and imagine approaching every task with confidence, eagerness, and enthusiasm. Or, you can pretend that this is the best day of your working life. You are full of energy and ideas, you’re getting lots of things accomplished, and people are responding to you with praise. Maybe it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy!

Damage Control

In an ideal world, you would never cop an attitude with one of your colleagues or managers. Given that you’re human, though, this is an unrealistic expectation. Sometimes you will take your aggravation out on another person, whether she deserves it or not. Provided you have a good rapport with your coworker and handle yourself correctly, one incident should not permanently affect the relationship (see Chapter 7).

When you lose your cool, you might feel embarrassed and want to pretend the incident never happened, but this is not a good strategy. If you go too long without addressing the issue, the person you offended might build up the interaction in her mind to be worse than it was, and she will remember that version of it the next time the two of you talk. Before you know it, you’ll have established a pattern of negative communication.

Effective damage control means taking responsibility for your actions. If you clash with a colleague, assess the situation and look at it from the other person’s viewpoint. Remember, being right doesn’t justify rudeness or inappropriate behavior. Let go of your pride. It takes guts to go back and hash things out, and your colleague will respect you for it. Approach the person and sincerely apologize for your role in the altercation. Explain that you’re still learning, and assure her it won’t happen again. Can’t stomach an in-person conversation? Write a heartfelt card or email instead. Your colleague will likely be receptive to the overture. Instead of thinking you’re a jerk, she will perceive you as being mature beyond your years. Just another example of how a little effort on your part can turn most negative situations into positive ones!

What I Wish I’d Known

Take-Home Points