“There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self.”

—Aldous Huxley

“Although you are respected within the company and have done a great job over the years, your name hasn't come up.” Melanie was VP of business development at a $4 billion health care company, and that's what she heard from the CFO about the senior leadership role just vacated by her boss.

As you can imagine, this news was like a gut‐punch and she spun out of her power for some moments. She felt extreme disappointment and embarrassment: “How am I not the obvious candidate after 18 years here in this department?” and self‐doubt: “I don't have what it takes. He doesn't think I'm capable. I know they are looking for someone similar to the previous leader with a financial background, and I'm more a relationship‐based leader.” Given this swirl, she had to soul‐search to determine if she really wanted the job. But of course, to tell someone in her power that she can't do something is the surest way she'll prove you wrong. She reached out for my coaching saying “I'm going for it!”

Melanie had the opportunity to prove that she was the right person for the role, but it's clear that influencing the CFO was not the way forward. Rather, she was going to have to demonstrate her capability to be in the next‐level role through her own means. There are times when you can use competence you already have to transcend an out‐of‐your‐power situation simply from your ability to get a result. Your proficiency is your “special sauce,” a blend of your knowledge and experience.

Proficiency gives you power. It gives you leverage that makes you valuable and worth listening to. It compels others to buy into your ideas and accommodate your requests. In the portal of Proficiency you will learn to solve as much as you can on your own before you have to recruit others to be a part of the solution. You'll develop and deploy your unique talents to ensure that your contributions are respected and you—and not others—have the power over your career path.

Melanie conducted a listening tour of 11 stakeholders both within her department and in adjacent functions. She packed with punch a presentation with her go‐forward vision and strategic map for the department that reflected key stakeholder input as well as her own observations from her years of experience. She started exemplifying the company's values of “stronger together,” not maintaining siloes.

From doing all this, she deepened her sense of ownership in her own value. Three months later at the end of our coaching (after the interviews but before she heard the results), she told me, “Regardless of the outcome, I've become my Horizon Point, a Knowledgeable Confident Leader! I see myself that way.” And the entire executive team then did, too, voting unanimously and enthusiastically to offer her the role. She put herself back into her power (and to this day the CFO enjoys joking how wrong he was in his skepticism!).

***

When it comes to your proficiency, you don't want to over‐rely on it and not take advantage of all of the other approaches outlined in this book. At the same time you don't want to underutilize it. Often we devalue and underplay skills precisely because they come easily to us. For you, public speaking might be a breeze, while for others it's a terrifying affair. You want to be proud of what you know how to do, and you want to let your capabilities lead you out of a crunch. Plus, cultivating your own abilities is something that you can do on your own time, in your own way, in your own home, from your own computer—no one else has to change in order for you to come from a position of strength with your proficiency.

There are so many ways you can use your know‐how to move people in the direction you want; for instance, ask questions based on your knowledge that challenge assumptions. Introduce information that is consequential to making a decision. Provide innovative or strategic perspectives that make everyone want your voice at their table. When you are someone who knows how to get it done, you find yourself more on that virtuous cycle where people want to follow you.

Manisha was interviewed for a CEO role at a private equity–owned tech company, and the process was fraught with thwarting circumstances. As an Indian American and Black woman in her mid‐forties, she didn't fit the prevailing discriminatory image of a tech company CEO. What's more, the firm was already in the process of writing up an offer for another candidate. In addition, one of the people who gave her a recommendation also threw her under the bus, so she had additional power eject buttons. But rather than reacting to these distractions, she leveraged her experience and insight about problems the company was facing, making a compelling case for her to steer the company through a turnaround.

The company's revenue had tanked in the previous year, and the hiring team thought a CEO with a long history of sales and marketing was the best fit. Manisha saw the needs of the company differently. She had worked in the field for years, launching products and talking to customers, and she believed the problem was that the company had targeted the wrong market. Trusting herself, she put herself out on a limb in the interview process, making a bold presentation that the firm should pivot to a new market.

She led the hiring committee on a journey of discovery, showing them she was a leader with the broad expertise they needed—able to drive the launch of new products as well as find strategic partnerships and improve the company culture. Because of her proficiency, she changed their hiring criteria. She was offered the CEO role, and since then she has created a culture of belonging and led the company into a better financial position.

If you are not seen or heard and it's putting you out of your power, you can use your proficiency to create a perception you are ready for a next role or even create a role for yourself. You might think if you're in your early/mid‐career you can't have that much control with only the abilities you have now, but if so, let me blow your mind.

Jessica, who worked at a biotech company, had prior experience in medical devices, but her current role had no use for that expertise. She was stagnating and frustrated. In our strategizing about what value‐add she could bring, she had the out‐of‐the‐box idea to start a medical devices unit within the company to bring forth her innovations. We strategized the business case in a proposal, and her idea for a new medical devices unit was accepted. I love this story because we typically conclude that the role you're in is all there is when infinite opportunities await you once you exercise the creative force of your proficiency. “If the company doesn't need my talents right now, I'm going to start a new business so that it does!” That's an “in your power” mindset!

In order to own your power of proficiency in this way, you must have clarity about both your strengths and the areas you may want to work on. This is a good time to see how your proficiency can help you get back in your power, stay in your power, and use it. Start by taking an inventory of your proficiencies. Ask yourself:

What can you do really well, or better than most other people?

What result can you reliably get for other people that people need?

What distinctive points of view do you have to offer? And how might it build on or differ from the common view?

How could you use your insights and experience to make a case for a valuable contribution?

What talents will be helpful to develop further?

As you consider talents to leverage, think about interpersonal skills as well as more procedural skills such as strategic planning and product development. I was able to come more into my power, both in my work and my personal life, by developing the ability to manage my emotional responses so I can hear what others have to say without reacting—even if they're being critical of me. This skill prompted an ex of mine to comment with this memorable line about how I was able to defuse tensions between us, “Thank God there were always three people in the room: me, Sharon, and Dr. Melnick. And Dr. Melnick always knew how to guide us to understand each other and have a good outcome!” Developing this skill has also enabled me to establish the psychological safety to bring up awkward topics. Now I don't shy away from difficult conversations in my personal or professional life, so issues are addressed swiftly instead of me staying in the swirl.

Finally, your proficiency protects you from the long list of ways in which people may kick you out of your power and undermine you, whether intentionally or not. One of my “soul sister” friends, Teri Cochrane, is a disruptor in the field of integrative health and has developed and validated new treatments for common and especially mysterious health conditions. She consults with clients to craft “bio‐individual” regimens scientifically matched to their needs. Her results are so impressive that she is consulted by elite athletes, doctors, government leaders, and other health influencers.

She faced a slew of potentially sabotaging challenges many business owners and rising stars commonly face: People enter into partnerships with promises they can't keep or try to take advantage of one's services and connections. Trolls abound on social media. Team members lack alignment with the mission, while past employees “borrow” intellectual property without giving due credit.

As an immigrant from Cuba, Teri has built resilience and perseverance to problem‐solve in the face of obstacles and stay the course. She did the same to stay connected to her proficiency and just kept “doing the do.” She showed up authentically every day focusing on treating her clients, sharing insights with other health care providers, and spreading the word of her findings on podcasts and through her writings. She has the “goods,” so she can always stay connected to her power. Not having given attention to the noise of those seeking to pull her out of her power, she is having widespread and growing impact in her field.

Be Confident—and Objective—about Your Proficiency

As you go through this evaluation process, keep in mind how difficult it can be to be make objective assessments of ourselves. Our natural tendency is to interpret situations through our subjective filters. Those include the messages we internalize from others as we're growing up. A teacher might have told us we're not a good writer and it casts a long shadow. We also tend to compare ourselves to others in order to evaluate our talents and too often decide we just don't measure up.

You might be excited to use your proficiency but then come up against a ceiling inside yourself. It's helpful to sort out where your proficiency is and isn't—and to be reality‐based about this. When you don't have a strong proficiency it can lead you to question your abilities, and that kicks you out of your power.

Its natural when entering a new role or launching a new program to be concerned about whether you know what is needed to succeed. However, often we pressure ourselves to be perfect, expecting we should already know everything before we are even in the role! We are so focused on predicting we might fail, we lose our objectivity.

Nina was a senior leader in a consulting firm. She wanted to be more strategic and be a change agent, but her lack of perceived proficiency caused her to constantly beat herself up. In this case, there was some objective truth to her concerns. She hadn't had prior roles or education that emphasized strategic leadership, and she now leaked her power with that regret.

Here's where having clarity can take you out of your mental spin. If you are vague about the proficiency you need, you will always fall short. What does “I'm not smart enough” actually mean to you? Define it. To Nina, it specifically meant: I don't know how to make a strategic plan, get buy‐in for a strategic vision to the board, or answer board member questions to her satisfaction.

Once you have a clear idea of what enough would mean for you, then you can move forward to problem‐solve using your abilities. The next step is to require yourself to make a decision on how to do that. Here are the choices you have: Either Accept the capabilities you have now or Accomplish new learning to improve them. Choosing to accept means that you can make peace with your current level of ability and not beat yourself up for it. This approach accepts that the strengths and proficiencies you have now will enable you to fulfill the functions of your role. It includes finding workarounds or bringing in additional expertise where needed. Choosing to accomplish acknowledges your estimation that you do need to learn certain proficiencies in order to have the impact you want. And it means making a plan to upskill through coaching, training, mentoring, certification, and so forth.

Nina chose a hybrid. She accepted that her strengths were in leading the culture, not in leading strategy, and sculpted her role to reflect this. When she did a town hall for the firm, she partnered with another executive who excels at strategy so she didn't need to know everything. At the same time, she accomplished growing her skills enough to be an important voice in their strategy initiative. She took a course on strategy, used templates from colleagues who had done this kind or work, and reached out for some consulting to plan the upcoming retreat. Once she did this, she was able to lead the team through a highly successful strategy retreat. Instead of beating herself up about it, she maximized what she could already do and then developed the proficiency she needed. Now she is able to make the contribution she wants and has more credibility and say over the direction of the company. And she's not putting herself out of her power all the time.

Now your turn. What is a perceived weakness that has been holding you back? Let's do the exercise. What are the components of that perceived weakness?

Now decide, for each component:

Finally, an example for solo entrepreneurs or business owners. Have a nuanced understanding of what proficiency you need to develop. For me, earlier in my career I was grateful that I had the proficiency to get clients the results they wanted from coaching. Yet too often I worked hard on a program offering, I'd offer it online, and then … crickets. It was devastating. It felt like my prospect had all the power as to whether they would answer my phone call or enroll in my programs.

For me to overcome the confusion, I learned that the proficiency I needed to develop was not in my coaching craft, it was the marketing ability to connect with those I could help.¹ What I needed was to better describe their pain points and the outcomes they could have after working with me. Since that shift, it's been easier for people I can help to see themselves in what I describe and know when it's right for them to reach out to me.

Years later I'm realizing the proficiency I really needed above all was the one to come into my power. It's a quantum difference to use your proficiency from within your power. Today I see that it's less about marketing tactics per se and more about the energy of how I show up in every situation—when I show up in my power it creates magic and doesn't if I don't. Consider this a heads‐up to not over‐rely on your proficiency alone—combine it with the other approaches in this book because your proficiency in the context of your power creates an energy that makes others say they want to be a part of what you're doing!

Where you have proficiency, value it and make it a go‐to part of your approach to staying in your power and bringing people along to a better result. If you don't have the proficiency you need, don't stay spinning out of your power around it, go develop it!

This concludes the section of the book where I share strategies to help you be in your power. Take a look at the chart I suggest on the next page in order to know which tools you want to reach for the moment you get kicked out of your power. These are your first responder go‐to strategies. Each of these is a high‐level reminder of what you learned in each portal and can signal whether it will help you to revisit the tools in that portal again.

I'll also wrap up the “be in your power” portals with two case studies to show you how one person can make use of strategies from the different portals. Then in the next section I'll go into great detail about how you can use your power to get the results you want for your life and for the good of all.