CHAPTER 2
From Chaos to Control
“You always had the power, my dear. You just needed to learn it for yourself.”
—Glinda the Good Witch, from The Wizard of Oz
I want to open your eyes to just how much power you truly have.
A surprising feature of the human mind is that when we focus intently on something, we become blind to many other things that are within our field of vision. A famous study conducted by Harvard researchers demonstrated this by testing two teams of students. One team in black shirts and one in white were asked to pass a basketball to the other players on their team. Other students were then asked to view the short videotape and to count how many times the basketball was passed among the white t‐shirt players. Keeping count was tricky because the players from the two teams were circulating all around one another. So the viewers had to really pay close attention to the white t‐shirt players.
What many didn't pay any attention to—didn't even see at all!—was that a student dressed up in a hairy black gorilla suit strolled right into the middle of the two teams, paused for a moment to beat her chest, and then leisurely strolled on. The researchers have shown this video to hundreds of thousands of viewers and about 50% of them did not notice the gorilla at all. What's more, most people who didn't spot it adamantly refused to believe it, even complaining that they must have been shown a different video. The researchers explain that “we experience far less of our visual world than we think we do … we are completely unaware of those aspects of our world that fall outside of our attention.”1,2
When out of your power, you get myopic. You are so focused on the things going wrong that you don't see the many possibilities for making things better.
I want to take you on a 360‐degree tour of the lush landscape of these opportunities you might not be seeing now. Think of a frustrating situation you feel stuck in and imagine that in any direction you look, there are doorways that when you open them give you a new vista. There you discover new ways of understanding the situation and new set of tools to make it better. These doorways are what I call a Power Portal.
A portal is “a way to get or do something.” Think of web portals; they provide us with access to a wealth of learning and community. Power Portals provide us with new ways of seeing, feeling, and acting so that we can be in our power. Accessing a portal transports you from a situation that makes you feel small and defensive into a whole new world in which you are strong and full of purpose.
In this chapter, I will briefly introduce you to each of the 12 Power Portals. You will have a repertoire for dealing with challenges that allows you to be “good in you” no matter how others are behaving.
In any situation when you notice you are starting to get out of your power, ask your go‐to question: “Where's my power?” The master key to accessing your power is shifting your focus from what is being done to you—on what others are doing—and instead focusing on what you can do. Turn your attention to what you can control and away from what you can't.
The 50% Rule
In my first book, Success under Stress, I introduced a concept that many clients and readers have reported helped them feel dramatically more in charge of their lives. In every challenging situation you find yourself in, distinguish the factors you can control, which is your 50%, from those you can't, which is the other 50%. Identify the 50% that you can control, allowing yourself to not be preoccupied by the other 50% where you leak your power.
You might be thinking, “Sounds good in theory, Doc, but 50% is way too optimistic; I can only control about 10% to 20% of what's going on at best!” Or you might be thinking, “But the 50% I can't control is the problem; how can I not focus on that?” And it might seem like you would be letting the bully on the playground get away with their bad behavior, giving them a free pass. You may be thinking, “They should change, they should admit they've been wrong; they should stop treating me that way.”
Yes, they probably should. And they may or may not be capable to. Getting them to change is not your responsibility or within your ability. Being in your power is. I want to show you that fixing them is not the only way to get the outcome you want; there's so much more you can control than you think you can.
Taking your focus off what you can't control and shifting it to what you can is not letting the bully get the better of you. On the school playground the teacher doesn't usually see the bully's behavior when it starts; they usually only turn their head to notice as you are making your response. In the playground of your life, your work evaluations, your impact, your sanity are determined by the response you make. When you are in your power, your response creates new conditions for you, the bully, and everyone on the playground.
You can always control what you bring to any situation, which is why the 50% Rule is:
Be Impeccable for your 50%.
That means, take 100% responsibility for what is within your 50%. Put your time and energy into being maximally effective at what you can control. (My fellow perfectionists: I'm not encouraging you to be a control freak; that would be controlling 100% of the pie.) When you face conditions that are unfair, discriminatory, or harmful, focusing on your 50% does not mean outside conditions are okay, they still must change and have accountability. Channeling your attention into what you can control individually and lead collectively starts you on the path to do that.
Think of a challenging situation that is putting you out of your power and what you can and can't control. Take a piece of paper now, draw a big circle with a horizontal line through the middle, and start writing down things you can control in your 50% above the line and those you can't control (the other 50%) below the line. This exercise orients your attention toward what you can control. I've heard from so many training participants how this idea has been immediately liberating. This is a warm‐up, to get the creative juices flowing with what you already see in your control. The full effect of the creative power you have can be found in the 12 power portals.
The first six portals are meant to help you “get your own affairs in order” inside so that you can be in your power. The second six portals will leverage all the clarity and confidence that you built in the first six. They will help you use your power with other people in order to change the dynamic and make the world more as you think it should be. Altogether, the portals help you be in your power, give you interpersonal power, and know how to channel the power you have once in power. In each portal, you'll read stories of professionals like you who were in a crunch and used the strategies within to create notable wins across their organization or industry and to experience freedom from patterns they struggled with for a long time.
Portal One: Precision
In order to move beyond an out‐of‐your power situation, you have to have a clear picture of the future you want and the role you play in it. Declaring what you want in the fog of your disempowerment starts a new momentum. In this portal, you will quantify the outcomes you want and then articulate what I call your Horizon Point—who you need to show up as in order to achieve the desired outcome (because that you can control). Specifying this idea of who you want to be as a leader/contributor/collaborator sets you up to be intentional, not reactive. Being able to show up in this way immediately puts you in your power because you choose this persona, and when embodying it you are already participating in the interaction on your own terms. You'll also define how to lead others toward win‐win outcomes they want, which helps you be in your power.
Portal Two: Perspective
Your brain operates in a way that's surprisingly similar to the algorithms on LinkedIn, Facebook, or TikTok: whatever thoughts you have, your world gives you more experiences like these. Unlike those algorithms, you have control over how you train your brain.
You'll learn about the psychological mechanisms that filter and determine your understanding of any situation. You'll start by learning the one question that flips your script from victim to victor on demand. You'll identify research‐backed beliefs and mindsets to put you in your power, along with built‐in cognitive biases that keep you in tunnel vision. You'll stop seeing the situation as a finite problem and start to see infinite solutions.
You'll view your challenges through multiple new lenses, each progressively zooming out from your current one, starting with a three‐dimensional understanding of what's going on between you and the other person and ending with macro views such as the relevance of human history and planetary trends. These perspectives are like pouring a chemical solution on invisible magic ink, the underlying problem and bigger‐picture solution reveal themselves.
Portal Three: Physiology
Out‐of‐your‐power situations cause emotional hijack. Whether you get riled up or sunken, without tools to work out your emotional reaction, you will carry that off‐kilter state into the next meeting (or next day or decade). You'll learn to move emotions through and recover quickly so that you don't stay as full of electricity or lethargy. You will learn a suite of practical exercises to immediately refind calm and your ability to think clearly instead of keeping on replaying the aggravating or hurtful situation in your mind.
You'll learn to use your agency to choose pleasure and joy over anger and disappointment. When you proactively fill your own needs in this way, you inspire others to want to give to you (and give to themselves as well)—raising everyone around you.
Portal Four: Purpose
Out of your power, you give your power away. Connection to your purpose is blocked. Your purpose is what makes you feel alive, it's a motivation and energy source that is always available for you to tap, and connecting to it can instantly eject you out of the mental swirl. You will learn to identify and act in the service of your purpose lifting yourself from your small game. No longer thinking, “Who am I to …” or looking to others’ expectations of you, you'll learn to play your big game—this is the life and work you're here for. It will give you a sense of satisfaction and impact that feeds your power, and freedom from the judgments of others.
Portal Five: Psyche
What puts you out of your power? We all have kindling inside of us that is derived from prior similarly themed experiences and might be phrased as a doubting question, “Am I good enough?” or as a conviction, “I'm not worthy.” The current situation is a match that ignites this kindling, setting you up to react defensively, take situations personally, and have a hard time letting them go. This is the personal hook that is the core of what makes you susceptible to getting kicked out of your power.
As long as you have this place of powerless that you go to within you, other people's actions and external circumstances can send you there without your permission or forewarning.
You will learn the real reasons you developed this narrative for your life—it's not what pop psychology says and it's not because of what's happened to you in your life. You will reclaim the narrative and be able to tell a whole new empowering story about your life.
If you are at the point where you are aware of your triggers but can't seem to move past them, you'll learn ways of transcending these past experiences and live a legendary post‐story life.
Portal Six: Proficiency
There are times you can change the result you're getting in an out‐of‐your‐power scenario through means that are entirely under your control because it has to do with your own skills and know‐how. You'll use your knowledge strategically to influence the perception of you by decision makers who overlook or sabotage your talents. Leveraging your own proficiency can give you a sense of security that no matter what thwarting challenges you're facing, you can control the achievement of your goals and life plan. As you showcase you are a valuable, if not indispensable, contributor to others’ success, you'll be sought‐after and untouchable. And if you have doubts about your competence, you'll defang them.
Portal Seven: Persuasion
One of the most common reasons we feel out of our power is that we haven't been able to get someone to buy into our ideas or take action on our requests. We blame the other person for being obstinate, but it may be the case you could be more effective in your approach to influencing. You will learn to have x‐ray vision into the minds of decision makers and interaction partners so you can unlock other people's energy to support your ideas and help you leverage your power. You'll learn five hidden ways of strategically messaging your requests and bring others along in your vision so you can turn any “no” into a “yes.”
Portal Eight: Partnership
We stay spinning out of our power when we have not found a way to engage others in helping solve the difficulty we're having. We are reluctant to or intimidated by raising the issue because we don't know what to say or how to say it. Or we've tried ways that weren't effective and now everyone is more entrenched yet sees fewer options to broach it.
I share my POWERS framework for raising issues in a way that helps the other person see that they have a stake in helping you solve the problem and motivates them to partner with you in finding win‐win solutions. You will feel powerful as you approach these stuck scenarios with the mindset of a steward who leads a process in which everyone benefits, and you'll know how to handle situations with grace.
Portal Nine: Protection
Even if the continued problem really does lie on the other person's side of the street and you've tried to use your power with little effect, you can always protect yourself. They might be dishing it out, but you don't have to take it.
You will learn an extensive repertoire of strategies to ensure that other people's unaware, thoughtless, or mean behavior does not affect you or cause overwhelm. Forms of protection include setting boundaries and barriers, bringing the interaction onto your own terms, and continuing to engage without absorbing the situation's negative effect.
There's a special section with an array of strategies for dealing with a narcissist, or anyone who criticizes and lies. (If you are already skipping ahead to those pages saying, “I need that now!” just make sure to come back right after you've gone through that portal because the strategies in the book build on one another.)
Portal 10: Powerful Truth
A powerful truth introduces a new level of your authenticity and humanity, which requires the people around you to pay attention to you with a new level of engagement and urgency. Speaking your truth introduces what you want and need, and it aligns what you think and feel with what you say and do. It uses your voice and brings into form what has been unspoken. When you don't share your powerful truth, you are filled with regret that you missed an opportunity.
You will learn when and how to share your powerful truth so you engage others in taking action to move beyond the status quo. You'll learn to channel your anger into the strategic display of emotion and how to respond to and neutralize microaggressions. You'll be inspired by numerous examples to use your voice to hold others accountable and represent yourself in the world.
Portal 11: People
Once you have reliable strategies to access your power on your own then other people can play an important supplemental role in bringing you back there and helping you stay there. Some moments we are so disconnected from our inner resources that we need scaffolding from outside of us to bring us back to ourselves, and trusted and caring others can help us calm our physical bodies and heal from shame. People mirror back to you aspects of your own magnificence that you have forgotten, the effect of which is even more amplified with the right posse of people. People play a practical role as an extension of your network, mentoring and sponsoring you to further your vision and expand your impact.
Portal 12: Position
We tend to think that the power we have in our position is defined by the responsibilities outlined in the job description but generally we have more power in any given position than we realize and are harnessing. You'll learn best practices to use the power you have and to leverage that which you are overlooking to create a better outcome for your team or organization. You learn to use who you are as an in‐your‐power person to amplify others, including as a sponsor and ally. Also part of the power of your position is to grow and use your platform to expand your voice and create movement toward the world as you think it should be.
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How to Begin Accessing the Portals
You are a creative force and you now see you have an abundance of options for regaining control and making disempowering situations better for you and everyone. Once you are familiar with all the portals, you can look around to the portal you need most and walk through it in real time. But that's overwhelming when you are first starting out, so my recommendation is that you go through the book learning and practicing them in the intended order. The portals to be ‘in your power’ set a strong foundation for you to have interpersonal power, and the portals, while modular, refer back to and build on one another to keep you on the virtuous cycle. That said, if there are a few portals that are screaming your name with the promise of an immediate solution to a current challenge, then have at it and go read them now (but do come back to the rest of them in order)!
I hope your head is now alight with a sense of possibility about how you will be able to step into your power. Let's walk through the first door.
Notes
- 1. Chabris, C., and Simons, D., The Invisible Gorilla, London, UK: Harper Collins, 2011.
- 2. Simons, Daniel, “Selective Attention Test,” YouTube, March 2010, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJG698U2Mvo.