BEING TOUGH VERSUS BEING EMPATHETIC
A leader must be tough enough to make difficult, bottom-line decisions that serve the overall needs of the organization. Being tough involves being decisive and unafraid to take a stand in the face of public opinion or strong resistance. And you must also make such decisions with sensitivity to the impact and consequences for others in the organization. Failure to do so can erode loyalty and trust, as well as morale and motivation—at the very time when you need them most.
On the other hand, the ability to be empathetic encourages loyalty and trust—even understanding of and support for difficult decisions. Being empathetic involves taking others’ perspectives into account when making decisions and taking action. It means being able to accurately anticipate or at least recognize the emotional impact of decisions and actions. Empathetic leaders are able to put themselves in other people’s shoes, consider individual limitations, set aside preconceived notions, and value people as well as results. The ability to be empathetic is also grounded in self-awareness; it’s hard to be empathetic if you are not in touch with your own emotions and reactions.
This dimension is one that is incredibly difficult for many leaders to get right. Often they have been taught to shut down their emotional connections or empathy in order to make the difficult decisions. They worry that if they let their soft side show, it will be viewed as weakness or as a lack of commitment to the decisions. Our experience in working with leaders has shown the exact opposite to be true in times of significant change and crisis. People want to know that their leaders can be tough, committed, and decisive, but they want them to be human—and humane—too.
Overdoing toughness while underdoing empathy creates fairly obvious and, unfortunately, common results. The relentless drive for results buries concerns for people, and the leader appears inhuman and uncaring. An environment of alienation and fear is created. Learning is stifled because people are afraid to take risks or make mistakes, and the voices of contrary data and opinion are silenced. People lose commitment and focus, so results are often lost as well.
On the flip side, underdoing toughness while overdoing empathy hinders change and is a huge disservice to people and the organization. Both the leader and the company are perceived to be soft and wishy-washy. When the leader lacks firmness and pressure, results are viewed as less important, and the group can become directionless. This also creates a climate where manipulation, favoritism, and power struggles can dominate.
When leaders temper toughness with genuine empathy, the vision and direction are clear. Targets, goals, and expectations seem high, but attainable. People know how to get where they’re going. Individuals feel valued and heard, and leaders are viewed as genuine. This happens because such leaders are equally comfortable in addressing two apparently paradoxical needs:
1. They don’t shy away from difficulty. Leaders who strike a balance between toughness and empathy hold themselves as well as others accountable, even in challenging situations. Demonstrating perseverance, they accept difficulty but do not use it as an excuse or crutch. Challenge is faced directly, with a close eye on results.
2. They pay attention to emotions. While driving for results and change, these leaders listen carefully with an honest intent to understand. They recognize and respond to the emotional impact their demands and decisions are causing. They stay connected to their own emotional reactions to the organization and its situation so that they can authentically communicate with and relate to others.
We worked closely with one CEO whose company was knee-deep in downsizing. Ian had been with the organization for more than thirty years and was closely connected to the employees and the community. By the time the company got to the third round of downsizing, however, he had completely detached from people. We encouraged him to reconnect and show his human side, but he kept saying, “I’m driving the change, and if I let my guard down, it will all fall apart.” He called us one day and said, “I blew it. I was making the announcement of the next round of layoffs, and I lost control.” Here’s what happened.
At a company meeting, he was reading his carefully prepared statement (approved by the legal and HR departments) about how many people would be cut, what resources would be available, what the buyout package would be, and so forth. Right in the middle of it, he stopped. He took off his glasses, looked out at his people, teared up, and said, “Sometimes you must think that I’m horrible and that I don’t have any feelings. This is so hard for me to do. I grew up in this business. Some of the people that are leaving, I worked for them on the way up. Some of them shaped me as a leader; some are my friends. I understand why they don’t fit anymore, and I understand why they are leaving, but it just breaks my heart. These are good people. This is really hard. It’s really hard for them, and it’s really hard for me too.” Then he put his glasses back on, took a deep breath, and read the rest of the statement.
Ian thought it was terrible that he had lost control. In follow-up meetings and through interactions with others in the organization, we found that this forty-five-second interlude was, in fact, a positive and powerful event. To his astonishment, Ian learned that the ripples that went across the company were ones of support and recognition: “That’s the guy I know … the guy I used to work for … I knew that he cared about us … he was probably trying to be strong for the company.” The difficult decisions did not change, but people were relieved and reassured because the CEO had shown his own vulnerability. He demonstrated that he also struggled with the difficulty of the situation and in doing so allowed people to reconnect with him.
This is not to say, however, that everyone should lose control or tear up to show empathy. This CEO’s behavior was authentic; he took a mask off and was himself. To demonstrate empathy, leaders can pay close attention to their own emotions and show their emotions and empathy in a way that is real. But don’t fake compassion or stage your authenticity. It will backfire.
Leaders who demonstrate a good level of toughness
hold themselves and others accountable
set clear goals and expectations for performance
challenge people to adopt an attitude of continuous improvement
display perseverance through adversity
are firm and assertive, but fair and evenhanded
maintain focus and alignment with corporate goals
identify, prioritize, and measure key activities
don’t tolerate nonsense, but operate in a reasonable manner
can be demanding and tough without being a bully
Leaders who demonstrate a good sense of empathy
listen with an honest intent to understand
set aside preconceived notions
value people as well as results
give honest and direct feedback in a genuine manner
are kind but not soft
make allowances for difficult situations
value diversity and appreciate different perspectives
understand the emotional impact of demands
consider individual limitations and barriers
communicate openly
use analogies and stories to make points
Making It True
To strike a balance between being tough and being empathetic, consider the following guidelines:
Define toughness and empathy for yourself. Where is the toughness line for you? Make a list of escalating indicators of being tough. Start with behaviors that you would consider a little tough (such as requiring a meeting with someone), and then add descriptors of increasingly tough behaviors. Add items all the way to behaviors that are well beyond what would be an acceptable level of toughness for you (such as expressing your dissatisfaction physically). Once you have drafted your list, draw a line indicating the line you would not wish to cross in being tough with people. How broad is your range? What might your boss or direct reports say about where you drew your line? Is it appropriate? Accurate? Honest? Repeat the above exercise for empathy. Where would you draw your empathy line?
Pay attention to unintended consequences. Always ask, “What are the unintended consequences of this decision?” It is good practice to consider as many consequences as possible. These consequences have to be weighed against the positive long-term impact of the decision at hand. Invariably you are forced to consider trade- offs. Dilemmas reign supreme during transitions because no single answer can satisfy all of the complexities of organizational problems. Exploring the less obvious consequences will at least allow you to make informed choices that will be better understood by the affected stakeholders.
Reassess trade-offs. Review your decisions from time to time to see whether the trade-offs continue to make sense. Do your original assumptions still hold true? Have there been consequences or trade-offs that you didn’t anticipate? Are you responding and making decisions based on fixed patterns or habits? Take time to reflect on your actions or, better yet, to seek input from others so that you can prevent overdoing toughness or empathy.
Customize your approach. Think of a few people who look to you for leadership. How do you balance toughness (challenge) with empathy (support) for each of them? Are you taking individual differences into account? Do you use a one-size-fits-all approach regardless of individual needs? Beyond self-reflection, consider what others might say in private about your philosophy of applying toughness and empathy. Or take the extra step and solicit real feedback from others you trust.
Don’t shun challenging issues or avoid conflict. By avoiding the difficult people or difficult issues, you can do great harm to yourself, your coworkers, and your organization. As a leader, you are obligated to be tough enough to deal with challenge and conflict.
Get comfortable in the hot seat. As a leader you will bear the brunt of many people’s anger, frustration, and confusion. You will be scrutinized. Not everyone will interpret your behavior as you intend it. People will notice any inconsistency between your talk and walk. Both your behavior and your words might be reported out of context. Accept that this is part of a leader’s life.
Don’t overpersonalize business. While empathizing with others allows you to guide them through transition, it can also be overdone if you personalize your work relationships. You cannot be responsible for taking care of everyone, nor can you ensure that everyone will be successful.
Underdone |
||
Being Tough |
• Is aggressive, pressures • Bullies others • Is insensitive, alienates • Treats people coldly • Denies own vulnerability • Labels and punishes |
• Shuns challenging issues • Doesn’t deliver results • Is too soft in moving others • Avoids conflict • Is a sucker for excuses • Is wishy-washy, spineless • Lacks accountability |
Being Empathetic |
• Is too sensitive to emotions • Allows people to flounder • Personalizes business at an unhealthy level • Plays favorites • May appear phony and unreliable |
• Is cold, abrupt, insensitive • Doesn’t understand • Is self-centered, uncaring • Keeps people at a distance • Is not approachable • Has to have his or her own way |