Our focus determines our reality.
—Qui-Gon Jinn, in Star Wars
Want to increase your life span by about four years, without having to exercise, quit smoking, or make any other life adjustments? You can do so by having a positive attitude, according to a study by Becca Leavy in a 2002 article in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.1
How does this concept play into the craft of business communication? It’s very simple: we have to rethink how we send our messages. Think for a moment: how many times a day do you hear the word no? Or variations of that word, such as can’t, won’t, couldn’t and so on? Probably lots. You probably use those words without truly even thinking about them, without realizing they are a part of your subconscious and therefore a part of your language.
Do they matter?
Yes. You may start your day in a good mood, with energy and goodwill toward those you work with, even toward the difficult people. But given enough messages with the variations of no in your day, the best mood deteriorates. It’s as if you started your day with bright pretty watercolors on a clean canvas, but gradually the colors got murkier and murkier until they began to look like the dirty gray water that results if one dips the brush into the same water too often.
And you can be having a great day when someone else’s gray water can splash all over it in the form of a negatively worded email. The sad part is that the sender may not have even known he was being negative. With simple attention to detail, you can ensure that you are never the bearer of the dirty gray water. The first and easiest of these techniques is to become aware of how much you say what something isn’t—and then replace it with what it actually is. Consider the following vagaries.
“That’s not quite what I was looking for.”
Okay, what exactly were you looking for? Tell the reader. That way, even if she was wrong, she knows. If you were looking for more statistics or more in-depth historical analysis, tell her. That way she knows how to proceed and give you what you wanted. That specificity creates a positive path. It gives hope and it gives confidence. She may have missed the mark here, but we aren’t doomed forever. By telling her what you want—exactly—instead of what you don’t want, you both win.
“It’s not possible at this time.”
Why? Tell her. Under what circumstances could it be possible? Maybe you can create those circumstances—or at least consider and maybe discuss with you whether creating a plan to achieve those circumstances is possible.
That discussion, by the way, also will do a whole lot for a positive attitude and reaction even if the items we are discussing are unfavorable. By opening the conversation with at least telling her what is or could be, you honor her with the product of your mind. By being positive, you send the message that she is worth talking to instead of slamming the door in her face with the negatively worded statement. You keep the reader motivated.
Instead of telling her what you can’t do, tell her what you can. Instead of saying “I can’t have this data to you until Friday,” simply say, “I’ll have this to you on Friday.” Usually a clear definite positive statement such as this one will not be questioned; the other person sees you as willing to work with her and to get back to her in a reasonable time frame. The negatively worded comment, however, sends signals that You are an imposition; you should be ashamed by asking me to do something when I am already so overworked. Yech.In the rare case where the audience then questions why the due date is later than you preferred, you have the opportunity to tell your reasons and create understanding. If having the information on Thursday is vital, by sharing your constraints you also give opportunity for her to help you remove some of those constraints so that she can have her data on Thursday. Maybe you have an earlier project requested for Thursday; if her need is so great, she can go to the earlier requester and negotiate which set of results should come first. You’ve created teamwork, or at least team communication.
Other versions of no pervade. For instance, think about the mindless “no problem” or “no worries” so many people say without thinking. These phrases, with which many late-night comics have skewered Gen Yers as using instead of a gracious and positive “you’re welcome,” sends a message of self-absorbed negativity. These phrases indicate that the user is independent and aloof, better than the other party, and while most requests are an intrusion—a problem or a worry—in this one case it isn’t, but watch it. Columnist Kathleen Purvis of The Charlotte Observer states about servers who reply to “thank you” with “no problem” that she wants to reply, “as all customers over age 40 want to reply: ‘You’re right, it’s no problem—it’s your job.’ She adds that she tips extra to those who say, “You’re welcome.”2
“You’re welcome” has lasted hundreds of years, long before Gen Y, for a reason: it sends positivity. It sends a sense that you are not an ego maniac, caught up in self-absorption. It works.
Tone
Back when you were in middle school, most likely at some point one of your parents said to you, “Don’t use that tone with me.” If you were like most middle schoolers, you had no idea what your mom or dad was talking about. You just thought you were expressing your opinion.
Tone can be an inflection or it can be word choice.
If increasing the positive words in your message can change how well the message is received, think also about decreasing negative tone. How? You have to think about your own emotional state as you are trying to communicate. The middle schooler, for instance, may be unconsciously wanting to be treated less like a child, and as a result goes too far; in trying to avoid sounding like a small child, his tone overcompensates and becomes aggressive or belligerent.
Grownups who feel a lack of power can also overcompensate. If a little part of the brain is saying, “I’m the boss so they need to do what I say, even if I am afraid they won’t, so I need to show them I’m the boss,” that thought creeps in no matter how well constructed the message, it is going to have a haughty or belittling tone. Or that grownup can feel the same lack of power and retreat into fear, thinking “No one is going to listen to me anyway, and I am not treated well” or some other such thoughts. If that tape is running in the background of the conscious communication, the message is going to come out as a whine, a complaint, or some of that middle-school belligerence.
Note that none of these things that influence our tone is usually in our conscious minds. But being consciously aware of checking our emotions around the communication can help reduce negative tones.
My first mentor used to say to remember to HALT. She meant to avoid communicating something important when we were hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.
Very sage advice, since these are times when we are most likely to let those background emotions color our messages. Check in with your own feelings, and then take an objective look at how the feelings are controlling how you say the message. A collaborating tone always trumps a bossy one; kindness always goes farther professionally than sarcasm or a power trip.
Remember: it is not about you.
Role Reversal
Carl Rogers, the so-called father of industrial psychology, became famous for his approach to negotiations and conflict resolution.
One of the first steps of the Rogerian Technique, as it has come to be known, is to identify the issue without presenting your own side of the issue only. Then you do a quick role reversal, putting yourself in the recipient’s shoes.
You describe how the issue looks from the other person’s point of view, which should lead you to common ground and therefore a solution to the conflict. This same technique works in crafting messages. (We’re back to the I box again.) Before you hit Send, put yourself in the reader’s skin and roll around in there for a while. How does the message come across to him? What reactions show up? What emotions?
Are those answers the ones you want to show up in the receiver’s inbox? If not, read on.
Asking Questions
One of Steven Covey’s Seven Habits is to “seek to understand before you seek to be understood.” While we discussed this concept a bit when we delved into the tell, sell, join, consult concepts, this habit also can go a long way in creating a positive atmosphere around your communication.
Most of us operate in silos, focusing on the screens in front of us as well as on our own to-do lists. We fall into that I mindset, which interestingly makes us increasingly less happy and less satisfied with what we are doing. Humans are by nature social creatures; we like to share ideas. We want other people to like us and be interested in us.
So asking questions about the message someone sent you can create a positive response—as long as we ask intelligent and other-focused questions. (Such things as “Are you out of your mind? What could you have possibly been thinking?” don’t count as intelligent and other-focused questions; they are really all about our own judgment of the other person’s thoughts or actions.)
Even simple questions that ask for clarification, data, or directions show that the other person’s message has been heard. And yes, I am aware that we said a few chapters ago that the sender should have provided all these details. But we’re talking about the receiver here. She needs to signal that not only has he gotten the message but is ready to run with it.
Think of this technique of asking questions as a football receiver getting the ball from the quarterback. While the best model for good communication is that the sender is a Tom Brady, sending the ball 70 yards down the field to land squarely in Dave Gronkowski’s hands so that he can score, often what occurs is a flag football wannabe star who overestimates the power of his effort and has any number of possible receivers scrambling to see if they can catch anything at all.
So to create the communication teamwork and positive relationship, you reply. Although many responses that we may have to a situation as well as to a piece of communication seem as if they require a statement, in actuality we can phrase that statement as a question. For example:
You should take a look at the work that Cigna’s doing in that area.
becomes
Have you looked at the work that companies such as Cigna have been doing in that area?
What’s the difference? Well, in the first one, the perceived power levels are unequal; you may be offering a suggestion, but it comes across as if the person you are speaking to isn’t quite as smart as you, or at least not able to think of what you just thought of. You may mean absolutely nothing by the statement other than offering a collaboration effort. But the receiver could possibly take offense. Especially in writing, without a spoken tone to adjust the message, this first statement could come across as arrogant and negative.
The second, however, by being a question, offers collaboration in an equal power manner. The receiver can say, Yes, I have, and here’s what I learned from doing so,” which then carries on a conversation and allows that person to explain his thinking or ideas or findings. He can also say, No, I haven’t, and here’s why, which also allows him to express himself. Or he can say, No, I haven’t, but that’s a great idea or No, I haven’t; tell me why you think I should do so.
In any of the possible responses to the question, the speaker operates out of position of feeling respected—which creates a positive aura around the communication itself. The two of you learn to work together. And the more you do, the closer you get to the Brady-Gronkowski model. Asking questions also allows other people to add to or develop your ideas. Perhaps you’re in a meeting, and as you listen to what’s being discussed, you become very convinced that members of another division need to be brought into the decision.
You can state that, as in
Before we make that decision, we need to include IT
—and run the risk of having someone else directly contradict your idea. They can do so simply out of a desire to move forward immediately, or out of a knee-jerk reaction to say no, or even just because it was you who brought up the idea. No matter what, once the contradiction is brought up, the idea is dead.
But if you say,
Is anyone else getting a strong sense that IT needs to be in on this decision?
then you give others a chance to chime in. Or they can ask you why you feel this way. Worst-case scenario is that they say no, in which case you can jump right in and offer your reasons for why you feel the way you do. The trick here is to ask questions to help critical thinking and to create a better decision. And that nearly always creates a positive, vibrant atmosphere.
Look for Context
Asking questions can also give you details that you may not ordinarily receive. For instance, perhaps your subordinate tells you about an instance where a client was less than happy with the work your team provided. While the subordinate may give you all the 5 W’s and the WIFM as well as the headline up front just fine, by asking about the context in which the action occurred will give you a greater sense of understanding of the situation.
Instead of just saying,
We’ll have to find a way to improve.
turning that into a question about context can open many avenues. Simply saying
I really want to understand all the details about the context in which this occurred. Can you describe everything to me, including where people were when they said what? That will help us both see ways we can improve on our service.
can reduce the subordinate’s emotions around the event and allow a clearer picture of what can be done next.
What happens in each of these scenarios when we ask questions is that we pay attention to the other person. Yes, we learn information that can help us, which is an added bonus, and by seeking clarification we can often save ourselves hours of needless work. But the real benefit is that by allowing others to share their ideas and explain, we acknowledge that they themselves are of value. The questions, if worded in a positive manner, send the message that we see the others as equals, as people that we like to work with.
That message helps create positivity. And positivity creates results.
Seek the Yes
Even if you get a no, you can negate the negative atmosphere. While whining and sulking never works—and has residual long-term effects on later communication as well—seeking how the no could have become a yes can turn a negative atmosphere into a positive one. Asking what would need to occur before the answer could change can give you information that allows you to take control of the situation. Say, for example, you ask your boss for Friday off. She says no. By then asking, Is there anything I could have done that would have turned that no into a yes? you find out how to proceed next time—or whether proceeding on that path at all is worth your while.
Most of us tend to accept the negative so much that we never question why. In fact, we often anticipate the negative—to the point that we don’t even bother to ask at all. Professor Emeritus Roy J. Lewicki of Ohio State offers an exercise that helps students see where they are creating their own negative atmospheres. Called “Collecting Nos,” Lewicki tells his students to start asking for actions from others, then keeping a record. If the answer is no, the student is to then ask what he needed to do to turn that no into a yes.3
While the students do learn to ask for clarification and turn what could be a negative atmosphere into a positive one, what they learn as well is that communicators often don’t ask enough. We often assume the answer will be no, so we don’t ask. And we sit in the negativity, dissatisfied in a manner most of us can’t put our fingers on. Students also learn from Professor Lewicki’s exercise that as their confidence in their own abilities to create positive atmospheres increases, their relationships become stronger. That alone can turn into opportunities.
After all, none of us likes working with Donna Downer. Seek the positive.
One More Thing
I am always struck anew about how much tone and listening go hand in hand. If we don’t listen, we jump to conclusions that may not be right at all. And if we try to hurry people along, we often wind up at the wrong conclusion—which is why the tell approach so seldom works.
What happens when we try to hurry things along and don’t truly listen is that we get in our own way; we listen in a biased manner, which then keeps us from practicing that empathy Carl Rogers talks about. It also keeps us from seeing the balance in life: we may be so irritated at Jenny, for instance, for asking for clarification on what we are sure was a perfectly worded message that our emotions keep us from questioning and trying to understand the breakdown in communications.
Instead, we try to discipline—which is what many of us call “tell” but isn’t. Telling a person he needs to change isn’t going to work. One tells facts. One sells a change. So if we haven’t listened to see where the original process broke down, we can’t give effective feedback. We think that everybody should see things our way, and woe be unto him who doesn’t.
This phenomenon is known in negotiations theory as illusion of consensus. That means that we think we are right and that everyone agrees with us—or we think that everyone else thinks one way. Because we don’t listen, we don’t see that others are afraid to speak up; we go with the group in wanting to be right. Malcolm Gladwell, in his book Blink, and Thomas Gilgovich, in his book How We Know What Isn’t So, address this phenomenon in great and entertaining detail; basically our unconscious does our thinking for us unless we listen for all possibilities. And our unconscious is one self-centered little critter.
We hear about the big screw-ups with illusion of consensus; New Coke, the Challenger and Columbia (not one but two exploded spaceships due to this illusion!) and the faulty General Motors switches. But they happen in micro situations as well: the manager who thinks that he has communicated but has not, and has only told what but not how; the exec who thinks that everyone is on board with his decisions only because he has created a culture of fear where no one is willing to speak up for fear of being fired; or the people who are too concerned about their positions to go against the prevailing thought.
My friend from grad school, who had been a Marine in Viet Nam, called this the “ANL syndrome,” which stood for Arrogant New Lieutenant. In describing the ANL syndrome, he said, “If the guy came in telling us what to do without finding out why we had been doing something the way we had, or if he didn’t tell us how to do it differently in a way we could use immediately, what would happen is that his men would wait for an opportune time, and then shoot him in the back.” I hear examples of managers who are figuratively shot in the back weekly. Again, seek to understand. Listen.
Another example: My first mentor was a wonderful woman who knew truth that often I didn’t want to hear. One of her statements was “Every action has a reaction, and those reactions have consequences.” By that she meant that if we reacted—acted out of emotion rather than compassion—we usually created a mess. But if we stopped, listened, and looked at things from all angles dispassionately, we would make better choices and decisions.
Even if our decision wound up being the same as it would have been had before we listened, the manner in which we communicated that decision would always be better. She would then quote Garrison Keillor:
“Be kind to everyone, especially those who deserve it the least.”
Listening is one small but powerful form of kindness. It creates positivity, yet it costs us so little.
To Sum Up
A woman I respect once said that her goal as a manager was to be someone that people were excited to work for. That to me says volumes. It says that she wants to be positive, enthusiastic, mentoring, and sympathetic. She wants to be someone who listens to her employees and who provides them with opportunities for growth that they want, not just that she shoves upon them.
It is a great goal—for all of us.
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1Lamott, Anne (1994). Bird by Bird. New York, NY: Panthenon.
2Lamott, Anne (1994). Bird by Bird. New York, NY: Panthenon.
3Lamott, Anne (1994). Bird by Bird. New York, NY: Panthenon.