“Aren’t some folks drawn to programming because they don’t want to deal with people, because the interpersonal stuff makes them uncomfortable?” I asked.

“That’s sometimes true,” the supervisor said. “And it’s all the more reason for them to take this class. There’s no such thing as a job that doesn’t require people skills. My staff might talk to a customer or colleague only once a day, but if that interaction goes badly, it will snowball, and I just can’t afford that.”

Let this be a lesson for all of us. Throughout this book I’ve talked about how being the best and the brightest won’t get you very far in the corporate world if you can’t communicate effectively with the people around you. An individual who has mastered the art of people management gets things accomplished by leveraging his efforts in concert with the efforts of others. This is not always easy to do. How many times have we said to ourselves, “If only I didn’t need to rely on Person A and could do Task X by myself, everything would be just peachy.” Well, in this chapter I’ll cover strategies for enlisting your colleagues’ cooperation so that you can increase the control you have over your own success. I’ll also spend some time on the underrated concept of gratitude in the workplace, as well as examine strategies for creating positive relationships and coping with difficult personalities.

During my tenure in the corporate world, I’ve seen people try all sorts of tactics, from bribery to temper tantrums, to get others to do what they want. Some use their power or position to force lower-ranking staff to comply. In today’s fast-paced business culture, many middle managers are too harried and apathetic to stop and consider the best way to encourage true cooperation. In his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey outlines a number of approaches that individuals use when trying to get something from another person. Covey catagorizes these approaches as Win/Win, Win/Lose, Lose/ Win, Lose/Lose, and Win. Let me further explain:

It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that every interaction in the cutthroat world of business has to be Win/Lose. But because you work with the same colleagues every day, this attitude (and the manipulation and coercion tactics that often go with it) can cost you big time. Before you know it, your work relationships will have soured, and your corporate persona will be seriously tarnished. In most cases, you’ll be more effective at eliciting your colleagues’ cooperation and, ultimately, getting what you want if you make Win/Win your personal philosophy.

Win/Win outcomes are easier to achieve when you proactively consider ways that the other person can benefit from cooperating with you. That said, one of the biggest mistakes you can make is to enter a negotiation by expressly stating what you want. You might have heard the story of the salesman who greets a prospect by announcing, “I want to tell you about a great new product that has a thousand new features, all for the low price of....” The prospect stops listening as soon as she hears the words I want and slams the door in the salesman’s face. If you’re going to remember anything from this section, remember this: Other people don’t care what you want. They want to know what’s in it for them. As the initiator of a negotiation, you have to assume that although you may be looking for the Win/Win, the other person is interested only in the Win. Need her cooperation? Make her want to do what you are asking.

How do you do this? First, examine the situation from her point of view and determine her priorities. Then, in your initial approach, talk about what she wants and how your proposal can help her get it. Here’s an example of this strategy in action: A former job of mine was to coordinate press interviews between executives and journalists. One afternoon, I had to persuade a high-level sales executive to postpone a visit with a client and spend an hour talking with a journalist on deadline. However, I understood that the sales executive wanted to spend his time closing deals, not chatting it up with someone who couldn’t pay him. So I approached my request this way:

“You mentioned that we sometimes lose deals because we can’t demonstrate to potential clients how our products are covered in the press. Here is our chance to change that. Ordinarily I wouldn’t ask you to move your meeting, but the client is available for lunch on Friday. The article with your interview will have appeared online by then—why don’t I get you a copy to show him?”

In this way, the sales executive saw how talking with the journalist could help him get what he wanted: more closed deals. He realized that spending an hour now would pay huge publicity dividends later on, and that it might even help persuade the client he planned on visiting that week. I got my interview done on time, and the sales executive met the client for lunch armed with an extra weapon. Win/Win!

It doesn’t matter if the other person actually wins by cooperating with you, as long as she feels like she’s winning. For instance, you can frequently achieve a positive outcome by appealing to a person’s moral code. In his book How to Win Friends and Influence People, motivational guru Dale Carnegie claims that people like to feel as though they are doing the proper, unselfish thing. If your proposal will make the other person feel good about herself, she’ll be more inclined to cooperate. To take the last example one step further, suppose the sales executive needed a bit more convincing to change his schedule and meet with the journalist. I could have played to his desire to do what’s best for the company with the following response:

“Our company has gotten some undeservedly negative press lately, and we’re lucky to be in a position to counter it with some positive messages of our own. When unflattering articles appear, our stock goes down. But when spokespeople like you get out there and talk with the media about the good things we’re doing, the reverse happens!”

Win/Win scenarios are usually within reach when you take the time to think about what you’re asking of someone and how you’re going to ask it. Imagine yourself in the other person’s position and treat her as you would want to be treated under the same circumstances. Keeping in mind that the end goal is cooperation, remove your ego from the situation and don’t insist that people do things your way. Your colleagues will be more likely to pursue a project if they have a say in how it’s done, so instead of bullying them into following your lead, outline what you need and ask for feedback on the best way to accomplish it. After all, if the work gets done and everyone is happy about it, it’s a Win/Win regardless of how you arrived there.

Imagine the look on a colleague’s face when you hand over a tasty piece of candy unsolicited. Appreciation is the same way. You only need a little bit to make a coworker’s day and encourage her to view you in a positive light from that point on. Did someone help you out? Thank her. Was it a big deal, did she go out of her way, or did it take a lot of time? Send her a card or take her to lunch. If she really went above and beyond the call of duty, make sure her boss knows about it. And by the way, I don’t subscribe to the theory that you shouldn’t have to thank someone for doing her job. When a colleague does her job well and it helps you, what harm does it do to thank her? The answer is none—it just makes her like you more.

Eighteenth-century author Samuel Johnson wrote, “Gratitude is a fruit of great cultivation; you do not find it among gross people.” Well, folks, times haven’t changed. Most people still take good deeds and favors for granted, and you’re bound to be disappointed if you do something nice and expect appreciation in return. Instead of demanding gratitude, give freely. Exhibit kindness, and go out of your way to show courtesy and consideration to each person you come in contact with. Answer your phone ready and willing to accommodate the person on the other end. Ask how you can help, listen to the answer, and then follow up quickly and cheerfully.

As we’ve talked about, it doesn’t make sense to reserve your best behavior for your customers and your boss, because when it comes to your reputation, everyone is equally influential. Remember that people have big mouths that get even bigger when they’re unhappy. All it takes is one person to complain that you were rude or uncooperative, and, next thing you know, everyone in the office will have the scoop.

People hunger for recognition. In fact, their happiness, self-esteem, and motivation depend on it. Be generous with your compliments, but make sure they’re sincere. Empty flattery is, in many ways, worse than criticism. Don’t praise every move someone makes, and when you do give a compliment, put substance behind the statement so it’s meaningful to the person. The most effective compliments focus on specific actions or facts rather than vague generalities or assumptions. Here are a couple examples:

When you receive a compliment, don’t downplay or dismiss it. This makes you look insecure, and it makes the other person feel uncomfortable and stupid. You don’t always have to return the compliment either. A smile and a simple “thank you” will do. If you’re concerned about modesty, share the credit with someone else.

While we’re on the subject of credit, always acknowledge people’s achievements—both large and small. You don’t appreciate when your own success is met with silence, and others don’t either. And in case this wasn’t obvious already, make a point of calling attention to the things people do right, not just what they do wrong. Your colleagues will be more receptive to your ideas when they don’t have to brace themselves for criticism every time you open your mouth.

Sharing appreciation and praise helps those of us who lean naturally toward the “glass half empty” mentality to focus on the finer aspects of other people and their behavior. Not only does this behavior strengthen our relationships and encourage cooperation, but it also positively impacts the way we think about ourselves and the world.

When it comes to relationship building, the corporate world diverges sharply from the educational experiences of childhood and adolescence. As I’ve already discussed, achievement is an individual endeavor in grade school through college. Even if you didn’t have a good teacher or friends to help you with your homework, you could still master the material on your own and get an A. Like it or not, the business world is a different animal. You need other people to get ahead, and each interpersonal relationship you create has the potential to do more for your career than reading 100 books about your trade.

Most of us develop relationships every day without even thinking about it. Sometimes we select the people we want to associate with based on common interests, lifestyles, and personality traits. Other times we fall into relationships because they are convenient at a particular point in time (for example, neighbor-to-neighbor). Work relationships are similar to family relationships. We don’t necessarily choose them and we might prefer not to have them, but, for our sanity’s sake, we have to make them work as best we can.

Because they don’t come as naturally, work relationships can be difficult to care for and maintain if you’re not paying attention. In his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey introduces the concept of the “emotional bank account” to help us consciously manage our most constant relationships. In every emotional bank account, we save trust and goodwill through deposits of kindness, honesty, and keeping our word. When the reserve of trust in an account is high, communication is instant, easy, and effective. On the other hand, if we continually show another person disrespect, the trust account diminishes, and the slightest provocation can turn into a relationship “incident.” In other words, having an ongoing positive rapport with someone means that he will give you a break when you make a mistake.

Here’s an example of the emotional bank account in action. I had a strong, mutually beneficial relationship with my colleague Michelle. One morning, I had to meet with a client even though I wasn’t feeling well. During the meeting, Michelle justifiably asked me a question, and I bit her head off. If Michelle and I hadn’t had such a good relationship, she might have been offended by my rudeness. However, when I apologized to her later, I found that she had already forgotten it. “I didn’t take it personally,” Michelle said. “I knew it wasn’t like you and that something must be going on.” Fortunately, Michelle and I had enough trust built up to cover the withdrawal to our emotional bank account. I also made an additional deposit when I apologized for my bad behavior.

Whether you make a withdrawal or not, your account reserves need constant replenishing. Old deposits evaporate with time, so a person isn’t necessarily going to remember a favor you did for him months ago if the two of you haven’t had another positive interaction since then. As I mentioned in the previous section, showing appreciation, praising superior work, and complimenting when appropriate are great techniques for keeping your relationships healthy and productive. Here are a few more ways you can make routine deposits to your emotional bank accounts:

You can also improve your relationships by effectively managing your expectations of other people. Remember those evil shoulds from Chapter 6? Author and psychologist Hendrie Weisinger warns against expecting too much from your relationships. Consciously or unconsciously, you may want your boss to be in a good mood all of the time or your admin to be as pathologically detail-oriented as you are. However, when your expectations exceed what other people can or will do, you become frustrated and disappointed. You can prevent your relationships from taking a beating by ensuring that your expectations are reasonable and realistic. If you’re not sure, seek advice from a mentor or trusted colleague who has been in your position before. Once you’ve clarified your expectations in your own mind, make certain you accurately communicate them to the other person. Solicit feedback in advance so that you can uncover potential roadblocks and avoid being caught off guard later on.

Want to know an important yet significantly underrated strategy for building strong workplace relationships? Simply make a habit of being present for every person you deal with—not just physically present, mind you, but mentally present. This means actually listening to what the other person is saying, focusing on him rather than everything else going on in the room, and ignoring potential interruptions, such as ringing phones or beeping PDAs.

When someone comes to your office or cube, decide right then and there if you have time to talk. If you don’t, say so. If you do have time, but only a little bit, ask him if it’s enough. You don’t necessarily have to drop everything for the person, but once you make the commitment to have a dialogue, please be respectful. Remember that his time is important too, and give him your full attention. Doing this will set you apart from the scores of corporate employees who believe that sitting across the desk from another person means you’re communicating.

Several years ago I had a boss who took every call and read every new e-mail that came in while I was meeting with her. She was a great manager otherwise, but I get a bad taste in my mouth when I think of how every meeting took a half hour instead of 5 minutes, because she prioritized every interruption ahead of me. I shall now retire my soapbox, but you get the point. Don’t become one of them! Try to be mentally present for every person you talk to, every day.

At some point in our careers, most of us are forced to work with someone whose people skills can only be described as atrocious. Sometimes our companies wisely get rid of these people, but they are like weeds: pluck one, and within seconds another will sprout up in its place. The dread that comes with having to regularly interact with someone who is routinely negative, argumentative, stressed, or mean can make your job a wholly unpleasant experience—if you let it.

Your first instinct might be to go out of your way to avoid working with “Mr. Difficult.” If you can pull it off, more power to you. Often, though, this is not an option, and whether Mr. Difficult is your boss, a colleague, or a senior executive, you must prepare for each meeting with him as if you are going into battle. Swallow your apprehension. Remind yourself that no one has the power to control how you feel, and suit up in your armor so that nothing he says or does wounds you deeply. Take a deep breath and walk calmly into Mr. Difficult’s office. Speak to him in a controlled, cheerful, and reasonable tone. Get the information you need, and then get out as soon as possible. As we know, negativity and stress can be highly contagious, so do not allow yourself to get sucked in.

Mr. Difficult’s arrows can be easier to deflect when he’s an equal opportunity shooter, and you realize that you are not the only target. You might even joke about him with your other colleagues who have had the pleasure to work with him directly. However, it’s easy to become demoralized when Mr. Difficult saves his best poison just for you. For example, one of my first bosses couldn’t stand me. To the best of my knowledge, I didn’t do anything to incur her wrath. She was sweet as apple pie to the rest of our colleagues, yet, inexplicably, whenever I came around, she turned into the Wicked Witch of the West.

Unfortunately, this is not unusual in business. Personality clashes often happen. Your best bet in this scenario is to sit down with your Mr. Difficult and have a heart-to-heart. Tell him how you are feeling, assume that he doesn’t mean to act like the devil incarnate, and give him the benefit of the doubt. Solicit his feedback regarding how the two of you can improve your relationship, and then give him a chance to do right by you. If this doesn’t work and he continues to regularly use you as target practice, remove yourself from the situation (see Chapter 10). No job is worth your self-esteem.

One caveat to all of this: human beings operate with such different styles that it’s impossible for us to get along with all of our colleagues all of the time. You could be the most agreeable person on earth, but I guarantee that someone at work will find a reason not to like you. Maybe she isn’t blatantly obvious or malicious like Mr. Difficult, but you can feel her negativity just the same. She might walk right past your desk without saying good morning, or she might not engage in friendly conversation with you the way she does with other people in the office. For those of us with a sensitive streak, this type of behavior can be hurtful. What did you do to her anyway? Why won’t she give you a fair shot? As natural as it is to fixate on the situation, if it’s not affecting your daily work life or your career path, refuse to take it personally, and go about your business as usual. Focus on your reasons for being at work, and save your energy for the people in the office who deserve it.

The sun rises in the morning, and human beings criticize each other. Stick around the corporate world for a while, and you will inevitably participate in this special ritual. What separates the strong employees from the weak, however, is how one copes with criticism. People who deny responsibility and respond with anger and defensiveness hold themselves back personally and professionally. On the other hand, the most successful individuals listen objectively, accept constructive criticism, and look for ways to grow from it. In his book Getting Promoted: Real Strategies for Advancing Your Career, Harry Chambers suggests the following five steps for receiving criticism productively:

Provided the criticism is meant to help you, be sensitive to what the other person is feeling. It was probably very hard for her to approach you, and you will score major points by trying to make her more comfortable. Also, there’s nothing wrong with telling her how you feel. If the criticism isn’t justified, say so frankly, without letting your emotions get the best of you.

One last point on criticism: Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Do what you feel in your heart to be right—for you’ll be criticized anyway.” Keep in mind that if you are accomplishing something, you will most likely be criticized by someone who secretly wishes that she were as important as you are. Take it as a compliment, for it means you are worthy of attention.

Customer service representatives have to contend with angry people frequently, and my friend Jan, who spends all day on the telephone, offered me some valuable advice for neutralizing someone who is out of control. According to Jan, the best thing you can do is acknowledge the person’s anger and listen attentively without interrupting. “If you let the customer vent, she’ll eventually quiet down,” Jan says. “Don’t respond with defensiveness or annoyance. Show empathy for her predicament and assure her that you’ll make it your business to fix the situation.” Jan also clued me in on some things not to say:

“The key point,” Jan says, “is to remain calm. If the customer is not able to engage you in an argument, she’ll eventually stop fighting. People can’t be pissed off by themselves for long. Your calmness will diffuse her anger, and then the two of you can work together to solve the problem.”