Chapter 5
Equipping Y.O.D.A. with the Right Stuff

You've been dating someone for nearly six months now and as the weeks pass, something about the relationship is putting doubts in your mind that are quite disturbing. You fell deeply in love almost from the very first moment and quickly started thinking this was the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. But now you are not so sure. Questions about his honesty, fidelity, and capacity to truly love another person keep surfacing.

He seems increasingly preoccupied with his own needs and less about yours. You are pretty certain he is about to propose marriage. You are uncertain about what you should say or do. And this is precisely where a properly trained Y.O.D.A. can be of immeasurable value.

Here are just a few more examples:

  • You witnessed a person run a red light and end up in a terrible collision. There were several major injuries. You don't want to get involved but you feel you should report what you saw.
  • You caught your best friend in a bald‐faced lie that was very hurtful to you. How should you handle it?
  • Your boss asks you to do something clearly unethical. If you don't comply, you might lose your job.
  • You've gotten yourself in the middle of a personal war on social media. You're not sure what to do or how to respond.
  • Your husband wants your family to stay at your in‐laws' home for the holidays. You cannot stand them. How should you deal with this?
  • Your father is beyond difficult. You do not know how to manage him. What's the answer?
  • You never get to do what you want to do. You always give in to what others want. You're not sure what to do about it.
  • Your wife engaged in an unethical act that your daughter would be horrified to know about. You are afraid to confront your wife for fear of the anger it would produce and your concern it would fall on deaf ears.
  • Your daughter constantly lies to you, so much so that it's hard to know what's real and what's not. You are her parent and love her unconditionally, but are concerned about this pattern manifesting later in life when the consequences will be vastly greater. How can you approach this in a way that doesn't feel threatening and attacking?
  • Your son was accused of bullying other kids on the playground, and this is the second time it has happened. You are furious but yet not clear on how to handle it.
  • A relative stole from you. You want to press charges but you're not sure it is the right thing to do.
  • Your 22‐year‐old daughter has no desire to leave your home, and you don't think it is in her long‐term best interests, to stay. You're uncertain about how to best approach the issue.
  • You are in an abusive relationship that can flare up at any time. You're concerned about protecting yourself and your children. Your main concern is that they might come to believe that the damaging behavior is normal, repeating it in their own lives as grown‐ups. What decisions should you consider now?

These and countless other examples call for wise, thoughtful, and measured responses. This is what Y.O.D.A. is all about, provided it is properly trained and equipped. Equipping, strengthening, and fortifying Y.O.D.A. is the central focus of this chapter.

Preloading Y.O.D.A. with the Right Information

Success in life is clearly about making the right decisions. A single bad decision can alter the trajectory of one's life in tragic ways for years. Human decision‐making is a complex process that is influenced by our history, our life experiences, our moment‐to‐moment feelings and emotions, our needs and wants, our core values and beliefs, our understanding of the facts involved, and the strengths of our moral and ethical character.

Wisdom in decision‐making represents an acquired capacity to grasp the deeper meanings of life, to prioritize what matters most in making life‐altering decisions and choices. Being wise requires more than intelligence, superior knowledge, rationality, emotional intelligence, superior gut instinct, or simple goodness or kindness. It is also more than the dynamic interplay between personal reflection and an openness to experience.

Wisdom is the acquired ability to rise above the immediate demands and stresses of the moment; to make decisions that are grounded in transcendent values, core beliefs, and high ethical standards; and to achieve real and enduring perspective on the issues in question.

For Y.O.D.A. to coach us with time‐tested wisdom, it must tap into our most noble side, referred to in Chapter 1 as our spiritual dimension. It is here that our core values, our sense of purpose and meaning in life, and our highest moral and ethical character reside.

Equipping Y.O.D.A. with Timeless Wisdom

Your odds for summoning the wisdom of Y.O.D.A. are vastly increased when, as you have already learned, you are coming from a place of balanced mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health.

The Vetting Process

The decision‐making process can be greatly improved when viewed through seven lenses. Each of the lenses represents a distinct but related reference point for making the best and right decision:

  1. Best Self
  2. Best Moral Self
  3. Life Purpose
  4. Tombstone Legacy
  5. Core Values and Beliefs
  6. Personal Credo
  7. Ultimate Mission in Life

The seven lenses are all interrelated, so it is to be expected that there will be some overlap in the vetting process. The ultimate objective is eventually to make this vetting process nearly second nature. One or more of the seven lenses will become your preferred Y.O.D.A. reference guide, and the scientific principle of neuroplasticity dictates that the more you practice, the more your Y.O.D.A. will begin to automatically materialize whenever you are facing important life decisions.

Before starting the seven lens process, the following questions should be considered:

  1. What are the indisputable facts surrounding the decision? Put them down in writing.
  2. What does your heart say is the right decision? How does your empathic self feel about what making this judgment call will mean?
  3. What does your gut say is the right decision? Your gut response is the instinctive and automatic physiological feeling that points you in a particular emotional direction relative to a decision or situation. When you listen to your body, what is it telling you about the decision?

The Seven Lens Process

Lens 1:Best Self
Write down the words that describe you at your absolute best, particularly when you are under stress or pressure. This is not a fantasy exercise. This is the actual you when you are most proud of yourself. Make a tentative decision for the dilemma you are facing through the lens of your “Best Self.”
Lens 2:Best Moral Self
From the following words, select the eight that best describe you at your moral and ethical best, when you are the proudest of your treatment of others.
IntegrityHumbleAuthentic
PatientGratefulCompassionate
KindGenerousLoving/Caring
HonestEmpathicEngaged
Make a tentative decision for the dilemma you are facing through the lens of your eight chosen words.
Lens 3:Life Purpose
One's core purpose for living is the centerpiece of everyone's life story. Put your main reason for living down in writing.

Make a tentative decision for the dilemma you are facing through the lens of your core “Life Purpose.”
Lens 4:Tombstone Legacy
You get to select six words that will be carved into your tombstone. The words should reflect how you most want to be remembered after you are gone.

After you've selected all six words, make a tentative decision for the dilemma you are facing through the lens of your “Tombstone Legacy.”
Lens 5:Core Values and Beliefs
Write down your two most important values in life and the two most important beliefs you hold about life.

After writing them down, make a tentative decision for the dilemma you are facing through the lens of your “Core Values and Beliefs.”
Lens 6:Personal Credo
Your personal credo represents the current, most accurate articulation of what matters most to you in life. It is your internalized roadmap for a truly successful life. Your personal credo represents the scorecard of highest value to you.

After writing your personal credo and reflecting on it, make a tentative decision for the dilemma you are facing through the lens of your “Personal Credo.”
Lens 7:Ultimate Mission
Your ultimate mission is the one you must complete to qualify as having lived what you consider a truly successful life. This is the life mission for which failure is not an option.

Put into writing what you consider to be your ultimate mission in life and make a tentative decision for the dilemma you are facing through this lens.

It is important to understand that not all seven lenses will necessarily connect directly to the decision you are making. Simply take the insights gained from the seven lens process and make your final decision. If time permits, wait 24 hours before acting on your decision to be sure it still seems right.

An Important Note

The first seven lens process you undertake will require considerable time and energy for concentrated, high‐quality reflection. For Y.O.D.A. to deliver wisdom in your decision‐making and to advise you in a way that reflects thoughtful and measured perspective, all seven documents must be readily available mentally and emotionally for reference. The more you write about them, think about them, and rehearse them, the more available they will be to your resident advisor, your Y.O.D.A.

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