Back to Ben and Dara.

Ben said, “Yes,” he'd really appreciate Dara's help in thinking through the Ramona problem. And Dara is eager to roll up her sleeves. After all, she's got a lot of experience building and managing teams, along with some hard-won wisdom about how to work with aggressive know-it-alls like Ramona. How she longs to share it with Ben! But she knows that doing so now would be a mistake.

Once you receive permission to help, you'll be tempted to jump in—to share advice, brainstorm solutions, and help your partner solve their problem. I know it's tempting, but don't do it—not yet.

In fact, the problem is actually a distraction from what's really important, from what will really make a difference in their life.

This is the crucial insight I want to impart in Step 2:

Problems (what we don't want) are signposts pointing to energizing outcomes (what we do want).

If we solve their problem before identifying their energizing outcome, they will not be much better off than they were before.

Let's look at some ridiculous examples that make the point. In the children's book Thank You, Amelia Bedelia, the main character removes stains from her employer's dress by cutting the stains out with scissors. No more stains—problem solved!

In the HBO comedy series Silicon Valley, a harried coder tasks his Artificial Intelligence program with identifying and fixing the bugs in their mission-critical software. The AI “solves” the bug problem, as efficiently as possible, by deleting all the code, acting like a high-tech Amelia Bedelia. No more code, no more bugs. And just to drive home the point, in the same episode the AI orders four thousand pounds of meat after being tasked with finding cheap hamburgers for lunch.

OK, those stories are funny (to kids and coders, anyway), but what do they have to do with real life? Well, consider Pavel, head of sales. He's frustrated at his team's long and unproductive sales meetings. The obvious solution is to shorten the meetings. So he insists that the meetings run no longer than 23 minutes, and to encourage compliance, he removes the chairs from the conference room.

Problem solved, right? Sure, the meetings are now much shorter. But if nothing else changes, the meetings are still inefficient and unproductive, just shorter—which means that now they're getting even less done in the meetings than before.

And here's another one: Elaine is frustrated that her wife, Julia, is constantly on her phone during dinner, scrolling through videos and responding to Instagram comments. Elaine insists they put their phones in a drawer while eating. Julia complies, but is sullen and distant during the meal. She's not on her phone (problem solved), but neither spouse is happy or feels satisfied.

What's missing in these stories? Why is solving the problem so unsatisfactory?

Each case misses the significance of the problem (something you don't want) as a signpost pointing toward something positive (something you do want). Amelia Bedelia's mandate was a clean and wearable dress. In Silicon Valley, the desired outcome of the AI program was clean code that worked. Pavel doesn't want just shorter meetings, but productive and efficient ones. And Elaine doesn't just want a phone-free dinner; she wants to connect with Julia.

In other words, problems are data that something in your life is misaligned with an outcome that's important to you. The problem is useful because it points you to what matters. It's actually the whole point of trying to solve the problem. Compare “I want you to put your phone down” (solve the problem) to “I want to connect with you” (outcome). Julia could “solve” the problem by putting her phone down and finishing dinner in five minutes, eating so quickly that there's no room to talk—not an improvement.

An outcome that is positive, clear, and meaningful is inspiring and exciting. It points to an exact destination. You can create milestones based on that destination. And you can adapt strategies based on feedback related to that destination.

Here's a real-life example of the guiding power of outcome.

A friend of mine confessed that he had made a huge mistake on a spreadsheet, one that had cost his company a lot of money. He was wondering whether to tell his boss about it. “I could probably get away with it. She might never find out.”

Like the broken record I can be (and hopefully you will be too), I asked, “What's the outcome you're going for?”

He replied, “I want my boss to trust me with important and complex work.” That's positive, clear, and meaningful.

The second he spoke, he knew that he had to come clean. The issue wasn't getting away with it; this was a trusted relationship. And he knew that hiding something this important from his boss would create the opposite of trust. By admitting the error, he would in fact demonstrate his integrity.

Another example: A client runs a division of a company with staff all over the world and was about to launch a weekly web meeting for the division. She had been reading about all the creative ways businesses are using group video conferencing and had literally hundreds of ideas for activities and formats. She asked my advice about how she should use that hour-long weekly meeting. Can you guess what I said in reply?

“So, what's the outcome you're going for?”

Why? Because there's no “right” answer to a problem in the absence of outcome. Did she want her team members to become more comfortable with each other? To align their actions around a common focus and goal? To use the video platform more effectively?

Each of those outcomes would suggest a different strategy. Once she knows what she's going for, she can begin to weigh options in terms of which ones will get her to that outcome.

Trying to solve a problem without stating the desired outcome is like entering “Anywhere but here” in your GPS.

On the other hand, using that problem to identify an energizing outcome is like typing an actual address. In this step—Step 2—you're going to guide your partner to translate their problem into an energizing outcome.

Let's see how this plays out in a real conversation. So far in our story, Ben has given Dara permission to think through the Ramona issue with him. Watch, in the dialogue below, how Dara helps him identify his energizing outcome.

Let's pause the dialogue here and explore that seemingly simple question—“What's the outcome you want?”—in detail.

In the following chapters, we'll revisit some of this dialogue as we look more closely at how Dara guided Ben to identify his positive, clear, and meaningful outcome.