Now that you know the “moves” to get permission, let's look at some pitfalls to avoid.

GETTING STUCK IN A COMPLAINT/EMPATHY LOOP

Receiving empathy feels good. Most people don't get to experience it all that often. So when you empathize with a complaint, or a negative emotion, you may trigger another complaint or statement of victimhood.

Don't:

Harlan's empathy (“I didn't know—I'm sorry.”) triggered more complaining. Harlan continued to empathize with each negative statement, eliciting more and more complaints without being helpful at all. Avoid the complaint/empathy loop by refusing to take the bait after the second complaint. Instead, pivot to problem solving.

Do:

FORCING A YES

Here's the thing about asking for permission: You must be 100 percent OK with not getting it—especially when you have power over them.

If the people you are trying to get permission from think your question is disingenuous—if they believe your question is rhetorical and demands their agreement—their agreement will also be disingenuous. They'll give you an external, fake “Yes,” while stubbornly holding on to their internal, resistant “No way.”

Don't:

The forced yes is the same as not getting permission at all. It may be worse, because the other person now believes this unpleasant conversation is partly their fault. Now they're annoyed at themselves, and definitely at you.

Which means that—and here's the hard part—you may need to take no for an answer. Remember, they will change when they choose to change.

What makes this hard is that no matter what, if you are the boss and you say, “Would you like to think this through?” they may feel no choice but to say “Yes”—which makes it all the more important to be genuine when you ask for permission. Then you will reinforce their ownership as you continue through Steps 2, 3, and 4 and they realize that the choice of how to move forward is entirely theirs.

The counterintuitive thing is that often, over time, when they recognize that you respect their right to say “No,” eventually they use that power to say “Yes.” Their “No” is often about power and control. Give it to them, and then they are free to choose “Yes”—when they're ready.

REFUSING TO TAKE “NO” FOR AN ANSWER

If you fail to get the permission you're after, you might be tempted to shift to a more “hardball” tactic. Don't. It will backfire.

So, before you engage in asking permission, ask yourself two questions:

If you can't honestly answer “Yes” to both questions, then pause before you engage. As you think about their issue, notice your thoughts. Notice your emotions around those thoughts. Notice any physical sensations that accompany the emotions and thoughts. If these thoughts, emotions, and sensations are intense and/or unpleasant, that may be a signal that you may want this change more than they do. Your words, no matter how skillfully you stick to the script, will convey this demand.

And they will resist it.

RUSHING

Don't be in a rush for someone to change. As psychotherapist Fritz Perls said, “Don't push the river; it flows by itself.” People move and change in their own time.

That said, you can influence their timeline in either direction: Pushing too hard will slow them down by generating resistance or stopping them outright. And creating the conditions in which they feel safe enough to challenge their own status quo will encourage their forward momentum.

If someone is about to do immediate harm to themselves or someone else (your employee is about to tell a dirty joke to the CEO, or your child is about to run into a busy street, or your child is about to tell a dirty joke to the CEO), then acting with urgency is the exact right thing to do.

But in most cases, there's no immediate danger and when you act as though there is, it's a sign that their issue has triggered one of yours. What's appropriate here is to stand down.

How can you tell when you're acting from your own “triggered” place rather than as a balanced, measured, mature adult? Any bout of uncontrolled (or barely controlled) anger on your part is a tell-tale sign. You'll notice energy building inside you that feels almost impossible to contain.

Don't:

As in this example, questions that are not really questions also are a clue that you're triggered. When you feel that energy—when it's about you, and not them—they'll know it and you'll stop being effective. At that point, take a breath and give yourself a timeout.

There's always tomorrow.

Their change is about them. It has to be their choice. Your patience creates the space for them to choose. Remember, people don't resist change; they resist being changed.

BECOMING DEFENSIVE

Sometimes, despite our best efforts, people get defensive when we try to help them, which can trigger our defensiveness in response. At times they even express defensiveness at our attempts at empathy.

Don't:

It would be natural for Liz to react defensively here. She's doing her best to help, and Carl is refusing to take any responsibility for his team's performance. Instead, reach once again for empathy. Be present to what they're expressing.

Do:

Getting permission is the most important part of helping people change. Even though there is a lot to consider, the actual practice of requesting permission usually takes just a few seconds.

Once you have received genuine permission, whether explicit or implicit, you can move to Step 2: Identify an Energizing Outcome.