CHAPTER SIX
Making Feedback Effective
There are moments and then there are moments.
There are moments that pass us by with hardly a second thought, and moments that remain in our mind forever. One of the barely remembered moments for me happens on the airport shuttle bus traveling from the long-term parking lot to the terminal. I invariably ask myself, “Did I lock my car?” I can never remember.
I do remember, however, at the age of five being picked up by my mother from school and taken to the doctor’s office. Burned in my mind is the scene in the waiting room as we walked through the door. A deathly silence hung in the air. One woman sat in her chair crying. An old-fashioned, console TV with dark wood cabinetry was on one side of the room as every eye watched in horror the news of President John F. Kennedy’s assassination. It was November 22, 1963.
When my mom took me back to school, she told me to tell the principal that the president had been shot. These were the days when there wasn’t a TV in every classroom and instant Internet news was decades away. I remember staring up at that tall man and having him say to me, “That’s not a very funny joke. Now go back to class!” (which may give you a bit of insight into the kind of student I was). I also remember the same tall man apologizing to me at the end of the day.
There are moments and then there are moments.
There are conversations and there are conversations. There are conversations that pass us by with hardly a second thought, like what’s the weather going to be like today and who won the ball game last night? And there are conversations that echo in our mind forever. These are the conversations that we play back in our mind word for word and, even years later, they give us the same queasy feeling in our gut.
VitalSmarts, an organizational consulting firm, has identified this second kind of conversation as a “crucial conversation” and defines it in their book, Crucial Conversations, as “a discussion between two or more people where the stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong.” (Patterson, et al., 2002, page 3) In other words, a crucial conversation, as opposed to a casual conversation, is about something that really matters. Not only does it really matter, but everyone seems to have a different opinion on the subject and holds on to that opinion with passion.
A BUSINESS CASE FOR MAKING FEEDBACK EFFECTIVE
It is in this context that many of our leaders—and ourselves as coaches—are compelled to give feedback. And we feel caught. If we speak up and give the feedback needed, it may add to the intensity of emotion and escalate an already difficult discussion. If we don’t speak up, a critically important issue may be left unaddressed. Here the primal instincts of fight or flight sabotage effective feedback. We either attack and defend, driving others away with our feedback, or we avoid and withdraw, offering no input at all on important issues. Neither option works.
What we need to apply to the feedback process is the genius of AND. Choosing neither the fight nor flight alternatives, but approaching difficult discussions with a commitment to being both safe AND sound. Being safe is creating the context for effective feedback by controlling our emotions and attending to the needs of the relationship in being careful how we say things. Being sound is delivering the content of effective feedback by focusing on the issue at hand and making sure that what we say is honest and truthful.
Being both safe and sound is needed in full measure for feedback to be effective. If we are safe only, we lapse into accommodation. Accommodating leaders fail to address issues important to the performance of the organization and loses all credibility with their associates. If we are sound only, we will find ourselves in constant confrontation. This kind of leader may experience short-term results as associates comply with his demands, but compliance never produces world-class results. At the end of the day the leader fails to deliver as everyone tires of his tone.
© 2007 Leadership Link, Inc. Used by permission.
| BEING SAFE | BEING SOUND |
|---|---|
| Creating the CONTEXT of feedback | Delivering the CONTENT of feedback |
| HOW we deliver feedback | WHAT we say when we deliver feedback |
| Focus is on the relationship | Focus is on the issue at hand |
| Only being safe results in ACCOMMODATION (Avoid, withdraw, flight) | Only being sound results in CONFRONTATION (Attack, defend, fight) |
Managers who find themselves needing to give feedback to help an associate grow can use this safe and sound approach to increase their effectiveness as leaders. Coaches working with their clients can use being safe and sound to increase their impact when a client needs the honest, candid perspective of another. You can even—or especially—manage up with feedback, offering vital input to supervisors for the overall health of an organization. Being safe and sound is being honest, but without the scorched-earth approach so many people take with honesty. It is being honest with heart, caring as much for the people involved in the problem as with the issue at hand.
Crucial Conversations, the book referred to earlier, declares, “Our research has shown that strong relationships, careers, organizations, and communities all draw from the same source of power—the ability to talk openly about high-stakes, emotional, controversial topics. . . . So here’s the audacious claim. Master your crucial conversations and you’ll kick-start your career, strengthen your relationships, and improve your health. As you and others master high-stakes discussions, you’ll also vitalize your organization and your community.” (Patterson, et al., 2002, page 9)
BUSINESS COACHING TOOL: MAKING FEEDBACK EFFECTIVE
Sean Burns is an executive coach, professional speaker, and founder of Leadership Development Team, LLC. Together with coaching collaborator Ann Johnston of Partners in Leadership, LLC, Sean has designed an approach to effective feedback that brilliantly incorporates the principles of being safe and sound. This approach has three sequential tracks to travel on: Setup, Delivery, and Assess Impact.
EFFECTIVE FEEDBACK STAGE ONE: SETUP
Preparing for feedback, and not just “shooting from the hip,” is critical to its effectiveness. With all due respect to Malcolm Gladwell, this is not a time to blink; it is a time to think. And think clearly. First, think about the timing of the feedback. For feedback to be effective, it must be given at a time when it can best be received, and that’s not when emotions are running high or close to the completion of an event. Sean tells this story:
When I first became head coach at Santa Clara University, I wanted to share as much information with my players as I could and help them improve as fast as possible. Most of the time they appreciated my efforts, but sometimes my exuberance backfired on me. I had to learn when the right time and the wrong time was to share feedback.
John was an intense competitor, a guy I loved to coach. He improved tremendously as he became more aggressive, constantly adding dimensions to his game. During his junior year at Santa Clara, he had an opportunity to show how far he had come as a player. In a big match, John was pitted against a contemporary of his who had always been ranked far ahead of him when they were growing up (one year the other player had been number five in his section while John was number sixty). John was ready, though. He went in with a great game plan: Attack his opponent’s backhand, take the approach shot early, and get to the net. John executed the plan to perfection for a set and a half, getting ahead six-love, three-love, and was on the verge of a major upset. Then doubt crept into his mind. Gradually, the momentum turned and the match slipped away. John lost in a close third set.
Being an enthusiastic and caring coach, I wanted to help John feel better and give him a few ideas on how he could have closed out that match. While he sat on the bench, frustrated and dejected, I approached him. I told him how proud I was that he competed so hard. I also emphasized that for much of the match he had demonstrated how far his game had come and that his hard work was paying dividends. John just looked at me blankly. I kept talking. I told him that his original plan of taking the ball early and attacking his opponent’s backhand seemed to work well and that it would have been interesting to see what would have happened if he kept doing that. John then gave me a vicious stare and stormed off the court.
“What happened?” I asked myself. I was just trying to help him learn. I gave him feedback in a caring, supportive way and only a few things to work on. I thought John really wanted improve.
The next day John came to me and told me that after a match, especially after a loss, he does not want to hear any feedback, positive or negative. If it is something reinforcing, or positive, he is not going to be able to hear it in the emotion of the moment. If it is something developmental, or something that might be viewed as negative, he is going to be even more upset. That was a great lesson for me: When emotions are running high, hold off on feedback. There will be plenty of time for it later. I have tried to use this lesson in my work in the business arena as well.
When the timing is right, it is important to receive permission to deliver feedback. If you’re not sure, just ask, “Is this a good time?” Words must be welcomed to be received. Again, simply asking a question is a good way to approach this—“May I share something with you?” In a coaching relationship, as a business coach or a coaching leader, agreements can be reached up front about how a person likes to receive feedback, and when. Well-functioning teams establish a charter that grants permission for all team members around giving and receiving feedback. Fundamentally, feedback is not effective when it’s force-fed; getting permission ensures that you will be heard.
Preparing to give feedback and not shooting from the hip also requires understanding as many perspectives as possible around the issue. Make sure the point you seek to make is not your favorite ax to grind, but a real, substantive issue shared by many. As coaches, we do this through 360-degree assessments or 360-degree interviews. Team leaders do this by polling the opinion of team members. It is critical, however, that you are not the only person who shares the opinion of the feedback being considered but that it is something that is seen by as many perspectives as possible.
The next step in preparing for effective feedback is being aware of your emotional triggers and internal motivations. Here is again where we must think and not blink. Certain buzzwords have a way of setting us off, or a roll of the eyes—that may be just the adjustment of a contact lens—may rub us the wrong way. Being aware of these emotions and not letting them hijack us in a crucial conversation is critical, as is being aware that as human beings all that we can see are another’s external actions, not their internal intentions. We get into trouble when we try to interpret those actions and draw conclusions regarding their intentions. In other words, give people the benefit of the doubt, observe actions without recrimination, and don’t jump to conclusions regarding them. In doing so, you first are creating safety within yourself and laying the groundwork for effective communication.
Also be aware of your own motivation in giving feedback. Are you truly trying to be helpful or are you seeking attention? Are you trying to look better than the person you are addressing, or are you trying to undermine an initiative you never agreed with in the first place? Only you know what your true motivations are, and if they are not pure, your feedback will be taken as manipulative, and consequently not be effective. Again, this is where we should think and not blink. Feedback is only effective when it is given from a desire to serve the organization, not your own career. College coaching legend John Robinson followed this rule: “I never criticize players unless they are first convinced of my unconditional confidence in their ability.”
Effective Feedback Model
Finally, prepare for giving feedback by focusing on the benefit it will bring. Seek to state in one clear, simple sentence what contribution the input you are offering will bring. If you can’t do this, don’t give feedback. It will help no one and backfire on you. Ask yourself, “Am I part of the problem or am I part of the solution?” If you are neither, get out of the way.
EFFECTIVE FEEDBACK STAGE TWO: DELIVERY
After you’ve completed the steps in Setup for effective feedback, it is now time to speak. Here is what it takes to deliver feedback in an effective manner. First, speak from your own perspective. Feedback should be firsthand, that is, stated in the first person. What do you believe? What have you experienced? Don’t hide behind others or quote sources not present. Speak from your own perspective. Starting the conversation with words like, “This is my opinion . . .” or “From my perspective . . . ” can help you get started on the right track.
Next, share your observations. The focus here, again, is on actions and not intentions. In the New York Times best-selling business book, Difficult Conversations, the authors of the Harvard Negotiation Project refer to a ladder with four rungs. The first rung is available information . The second rung is our observation of available information. The third rung is our interpretation of the information based on our observation, and the fourth rung is the conclusions we reach based on our interpretation. “In difficult conversations,” the authors conclude, “too often we trade only conclusions back and forth, without stepping down to where most of the real action is: the information.” (Stone, Patton, Heen, 2000, page 30)
For example, pretend my wife and I go to a friend’s wedding. She raves afterward at how beautiful the bride’s dress was and I laugh at how the best man almost fainted. I may not have noticed the bride’s dress at all and she may not have noticed the best man swaying back and forth during the ceremony. If someone were to talk to us separately, they might conclude that we weren’t even at the same event. That is the power of interpretation and conclusion. So here is where Delivery, track two of effective feedback, begins: offering our personal observation of available information without conclusion or interpretation. Do this in a neutral way with an honest desire to create greater understanding between two human beings.
If feedback needed is around an issue that hurt you in some way, the next step in being effective in delivering feedback is to simply explain the impact of these actions on you. If you were holding a nail that I was trying to hit with a hammer, and I missed the nail and hit your thumb, it would hurt. Did I intend to hit your thumb? No. But I did anyway. Impact and intent are two separate issues. You can speak to me about what I did to hurt you without concluding that I did it on purpose. In fact, if you want to prevent me from hitting your thumb again and hurting you even more, you must speak with me about it. Effective feedback does not shrink from telling another person how his or her actions made an impact, neither does it assume, however, that those actions were intentional.
Effective Feedback Model
Having shared your feedback in this way, it is now time to let the other person reflect on what you said. Don’t rush on to a new topic. Just wait and let the other person break the silence. This may be a few seconds or a few days, but you must wait. Force-feeding feedback and insisting that people process it on your timetable does not work. Give people the space they need to think through what you have said. If another meeting needs to be set to follow up on the discussion, set it. Don’t let this be a delay or denial tactic, however; be true to the issue and make sure that a follow-up meeting actually happens.
Finally, turn the feedback table around and encourage clarifying questions. Let them ask you about what you said. Have a question or two handy to prime the pump and make this offering of input a true collaborative experience. Don’t, under any circumstances, state your case and walk out the door. As entertaining as that is in movies and sitcoms, it destroys relationships and will make your feedback null and void. Again, take the time to respond to clarifying questions that will build bridges to greater understanding.
One of Sean’s clients masterfully applied these first and second feedback stages to her supervisors, a very tricky thing to do. Sean tells her story:
Aby worked for a marketing firm where she was a consultant. In the contracting phase of our coaching, Aby and I discussed how each of us prefers to deliver and receive feedback. I presented the feedback tracks outlined in this chapter. Aby explained that she preferred for me to be direct with her because she trusted that I had her best interests at heart. She further explained that giving candid feedback had always been a challenge for her and asked that we spend some time working on that skill. So we did.
On one particular occasion Aby had a perfect opportunity to use her newfound skill with her supervisors. Without consulting their employees, the partners of Aby’s company did some restructuring. They “promoted” Aby and a few other consultants to vice president. While the partners expected the new VPs to be grateful, the consultants were not pleased. The title was nice, but roles and responsibilities did not really change and compensation would actually decrease. Understandably, Aby felt uncomfortable about approaching the managing partners because they had been so enthusiastic about awarding the promotions. On the other hand, she felt manipulated by them because they would be keeping more of the money that she earned. Aby felt stuck, like many leaders who need to provide feedback upward to supervisors who sign their pay-checks.
Aby felt strongly that a candid conversation with the partners would help her understand the partners’ motivations behind their decision and keep herself from making assumptions about their intentions. But how would she actually do it? This situation was a great opportunity to apply the steps of the first two feedback tracks we had been working on. Armed with these insights, she set up a meeting.
When Aby arrived for the meeting, she was greeted with cheery smiles. The first question asked was, “How are you adjusting to your new role?” Aby resisted the temptation to soften her message and retreat into safety and accommodation. She replied, “Actually, that is what I am here to talk to you about.”
Aby carefully explained that she was uncertain about how to react to the promotion. While the title was appealing, the loss of income was a concern. Moreover, she added, the fact that neither Aby nor her new fellow VPs were consulted prior to the move was frustrating. Aby noticed the crestfallen look on the faces of the two partners and felt badly, but continued calmly, “I want to be excited about being a vice president, but I need some clarity and understanding about your decision and the position you want me to fulfill.”
For Aby, this was a tense moment. She had a strong desire to please her bosses and wanted to make them feel better. But she restrained herself and let her words linger. After some silence, one of the partners said, “Thank you for voicing your concerns. We heard that there were some grumblings about a move that we believed would be very popular. You are the first person to articulate those frustrations. Apparently we were not as clear about our intentions and long-term plans for the VP position.” They then proceeded to explain what prompted the decision—unexpected growth of the firm—and the long-term roles, responsibilities, and benefits of the new position.
Both partners apologized for not being as clear as they needed to be. They had been extremely busy managing business affairs of the company. They promised to meet with all the new VPs that week to explain the move in greater detail. Before Aby left the office, she thanked them for taking the time to meet with her and for making her feel much more comfortable about approaching them in the future.
EFFECTIVE FEEDBACK STAGE THREE: ASSESS IMPACT
In following up with feedback we make sure that the message delivered is clearly understood and that appropriate steps of action are being taken. The point of asking clarifying questions, the last step in the Delivery stage, is to ensure the content of our communication is heard and understood. The point of this first step of the third stage, ensuring the message is clear, is not asking for agreement but for mutual understanding. We are, in a sense, sitting down at a table with another person and placing our message on it. If we come to the table with too strong a voice, it will shut some people down and others will walk away. If, however, we come with a desire for mutual understanding, all parties at the table become willing to participate in open dialogue. The desire for open dialogue exists in each of the three tracks, but when we stay committed to it even after we have said what we needed to say, others sense that it is not a false pretense to get our own way. They then become more open to what we have to say.
The second step in assessing impact is letting the recipient of feedback decide whether the feedback is valid. Effective feedback is like giving a gift with a gift receipt. A person can take that gift and make it her own, or return it unused. It is her choice. Ironically, this gives feedback its power, an ironclad commitment to not force-feed it to others, but to let them receive it and embrace it for themselves. In this, as with many things in life, the way up is down. The openhandedness of this step actually gives people a choice to own what you have to say, for “a man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”
The next step in this stage is to validate the feedback through the perspective of others. Self-validation sometimes leaves us wondering if a matter is really true, while talking with others nails down in our mind with greater clarity exactly what the issue is. This is done as simply as breezing in to an associate’s office and asking what he thinks about a matter or taking time in a team meeting to completely discuss a matter.
Action must be the end result of effective feedback and this next step in this stage is figuring out new ways of doing things. A coach may brainstorm with a client possible solutions to a problem, choose one, and hold a client accountable for taking it. A manager may help an associate discover a new way of completing a project and set dates and deadlines for its completion. Even in managing up, the questions can be asked honestly and humbly, “What can we do differently?” Answering questions like this allows a person to articulate new learnings or behaviors. The very act of vocalizing our new discoveries to another person strengthens our resolve to take them and empowers us to act.
Finally, we close the feedback loop by following up on the specific commitments made in the previous step. This is central to the work of business coaching and the accountability that accelerates performance. Any long-term relationship can have this dynamic, however, not just a coaching relationship. According to research from the American Society for Training and Development, making a commitment to another person to take a certain course of action makes that action 65 percent probable. Having a specific accountability appointment with a person regarding that same action increases its probability by nearly half to 95 percent. We also close the feedback loop by getting feedback on our feedback. This means taking the time to find out how the process worked for the other person, what we could improve on how we give feedback, and how a person would like for us to speak to her differently in the future about important issues.
Effective Feedback Model
Sean trains his clients in each stage of the feedback process. Together they practice this skill with made-up situations, then with situations from the past or the present where a client needed to give feedback and held back, or gave feedback that was harsh and demanding. This role-playing exercise, while at times awkward, lets a person practice the new skill in a safe environment. A client then goes and uses the three stages in real life and debriefs the experience with Sean afterward, celebrating what he did right and learning from what he did wrong. Finally, Sean asks his clients to teach the three stages to one other person, closing the learning loop. Along the way, Sean models how to deliver effective feedback in real time as he interacts with his clients so they learn from him firsthand what effective feedback looks like.
BUSINESS IMPACT STORY: HOW EFFECTIVE FEEDBACK TRANSFORMED A FRUSTRATING COACHING ENGAGEMENT
Sean relates this story about the impact of effective feedback in a coaching relationship:
Last year I worked with a client, Katherine, from a large tech company. She was very well-respected in her organization as a terrific producer. She had been recently promoted to a leadership position in the company. Our coaching engagement was focused on helping her transition from a producer to a leader. In our initial meeting, she shared her frustration that she had many solid, innovative proposals that she was having difficulties getting accepted. In her opinion, these proposals were much stronger than many others that the company had acted on. She wanted to improve her powers of persuasion.
At the outset of any coaching relationship, I try to get insights from several sources about how a client operates to see where we should focus our attention. I read job reviews and conduct interviews with many of the people the client works with: bosses, peers, subordinates, and clients. In Katherine’s case, one theme consistently appeared: She did not listen very well. She had her own agenda and could be very stubborn about it. When I shared this feedback, all of which Katherine had heard during her annual performance evaluations, she shrugged off the criticism.
Regarding one comment, she replied, “I can tell by the wording that is Elliot. He and I are up for the same promotion; obviously he doesn’t want me to get it, so he made up that complaint.” Another comment was also disregarded: “Jennifer said that. She works for me and I didn’t give her the assignment she really wanted. Other people were more qualified. She’s just trying to get back at me.” Clearly, from her perspective, none of the remarks had any merit.
We were very early in our coaching relationship, so rather than argue with Katherine, I made a mental note about this listening challenge. After two sessions, however, her inability (or unwillingness) to listen became very apparent in our work together. Though she was an engaging person and excited to share ideas in our meetings, Katherine’s exuberance often led her to interrupt me. After the third interruption in the first 10 minutes of our third conversation, I decided that it was a good opportunity to bring immediacy to the coaching conversation and comment on what was happening now, in this room. If I could share my experience of Katherine’s interrupting me, devoid of any perceived ulterior motives, perhaps she would hear the feedback better.
Having already heard several perspectives about this issue, I only needed to get her permission and set up the feedback appropriately. I asked Katherine if she minded my sharing something that I had noticed. She said that she was happy to hear what I had to say. I asked her if she knew that she had just interrupted me before I finished my last sentence.
She was surprised, “No, I didn’t interrupt you! I thought you had finished speaking. You made a good point and it made me think of something I wanted to share with you.” I explained that she actually had interrupted me. I said that it appeared that she was listening, but I didn’t have the chance to finish my thought and that interruption made me think that she was not interested in my final point. She quickly apologized.
This was a great opportunity for me to explain that this was not the first time she had interrupted me. In fact, I recounted that it had happened three times already today and several times in our previous meetings. I explained that we both bring all of ourselves to these meetings. I act in the coaching sessions very much as I would outside, just like she does.
“Is it possible,” I asked, “that you might interrupt some of your colleagues at work without knowing it, just like it happened a minute ago?” She took a minute to think about that likelihood and responded that it was possible. I ventured to ask if that could contribute to the feedback she had received about her listening skills. She said she was not sure, but it was worth considering.
This conversation seemed to be a true revelation for Katherine. She was genuinely excited about gaining this insight. How ironic, considering how many times she had heard similar feedback in the past. She was either not ready to hear it or did not like the way it was delivered. To clarify, she asked questions about the other times she had interrupted and how she might have missed the points I had been trying to make.
The next step was to brainstorm about what to do about this tendency to interrupt. Being a driven producer, Katherine wanted to commit to ending this habit immediately. I tried to rein her in and help her see that there was considerable value in her simply gaining an awareness of how frequently and under what circumstances these interruptions happen. After a discussion on how she would do that, our meeting was over.
The following Wednesday we met again. Katherine was giddy with excitement. She rushed to tell me, “Sean, you’re not going to believe it: I counted how many times I interrupted people after our meeting last week. By noon on Friday I had already interrupted people twenty-two times.” She was thrilled with her discovery and continued, “I stopped counting after that because I realized how often it was happening. I learned so much about myself. Now I want to learn how to stop doing it.”
Katherine worked hard at improving her level of curiosity. She learned how to wait for a lengthy pause in the conversation or to ask other people if they had more to add. Her listening skills improved and people who avoided important conversations with her before made efforts to connect with her again. Continued growth in this area will be crucial, but Katherine has gained awareness and is getting much better at listening.
Sean earned his MBA in 2003 from Trinity College in Dublin, Ireland, and is an ICF-credentialed executive coach, speaker, and trainer, certified through the Hudson Institute in Santa Barbara. He works with executives and entrepreneurs on leadership, communication, and team building. Numbered among his clients are: Ford Motor Company, ConAgra Foods, Franklin Templeton Investments, and Philips Electronics. For nearly a decade before this, Sean served as the men’s tennis coach at Santa Clara University. Having earned a world ranking as a player on the professional tennis circuit, Sean took over a struggling university program and produced eight winning seasons in nine years. As the four-time West Coast Conference Coach of the Year, Sean led his team to national rankings in each of his last three campaigns. Sean utilizes his experience in coaching athletics to motivate and inspire his clients to grow and excel.
TOP 10 WAYS TO USE THIS TOOL
1. Dissect a feedback session gone bad. Choose an experience where you gave feedback or someone gave feedback to you that did not go well. Review each of steps in the three feedback stages and determine exactly where it went wrong and how those mistakes could have been prevented.
2. Identify three common communication scenarios in your clients’ life and role-play using the three feedback tracks in them. Practice using the steps of effective feedback until you and your clients are completely comfortable implementing them.
3. Choose one real-life crucial conversation your client needs to conduct and practice having that conversation, even writing a script for the conversation based on the steps of the feedback tracks. Help your client pick a day and a time to deliver this feedback and debrief the experience in a coaching session. What went well? What could have gone better?
4. Before delivering a piece of feedback, help your client summarize the intended outcome in 25 words or less. This exercise brings incredible clarity to the feedback process. Then ask, “Does it matter?” If it does, move on. If it doesn’t, drop it. Not every issue in an organization needs to be addressed. Wisdom in corporate life often lies in knowing what to pursue and what to let go.
5. Help your clients teach the three feedback stages to another person or to their team. Not only will this experience reinforce learning, but it will also increase their public accountability for staying true to the process.
6. In a small group setting it is very effective to practice delivering feedback with real-life communication scenarios. I have used conversations between a salesperson and an administrative assistant, between a customer service rep and an irate customer, or between two dueling managers to practice feedback in a small group setting. Break the team into two groups and have one group show everyone how to deliver feedback wrong, violating every point in the process. This is a lot of fun and gets people laughing. Then have the other group do it right. Switch groups, have the group that did it wrong do it right and vice versa, and switch scenarios.
7. E-mail is a common way feedback is being given today, and it rarely works. That is because e-mail does not allow for the first two conditions for effective feedback: making it timely and seeking permission. Talk through your clients’ use of e-mail in crucial conversations and draw up a set of personalized guidelines around this issue. Help them have the same discussion with their team and establish team protocols for the use of e-mail in sensitive situations.
8. By nature, some of us tend to be more safe in a crucial conversation and settle for accommodation. Others of us tend to be more sound and pursue confrontation. Neither alternative works on its own. Help your clients identify which style they tend to bring to the feedback process and develop effective strategies to be both safe and sound in it.
9. For more help on assessing your clients’ approach to delivering feedback, have them take the Style Under Stress Test at www.vitalsmarts.com. This is a free, self-scoring assessment provided online by the people who wrote the book Crucial Conversations. Results will pinpoint the exact challenges your clients have in conducting crucial conversations and will direct you to the chapters of the book that are the greatest help in addressing them.
10. For a very modest investment consider using the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument. This fully validated profile is available from CPP, the company that administers the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. This instrument helps a person discover the specific style they bring to conflict and how to use other styles that might be more effective, given the demands of the situation. CPP has both individual and team profiles that you can use without certification. You can even buy a complete conflict mode workshop from them with PowerPoint slides and hand-outs to add to your menu of services.
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